I'm alive, well & back on Maui

[Stan B]

Hey guys this will be a just a quick note to let you know I haven't disappeared and all is well. I picked up Marina & Katya on Oct 2 at JFK (thanks for the directions, they were great.) Upon arrivial she had her passport & all her other papers confiscated and was told to report to a hearing on Nov 6 in Honolulu, and all she could get out of it was that there was a missing # I called INS the next day, as no one would talk to me at JFK and they said it shouldn't be a big problem. But it sure made travelling a hassle w/ just a photocopy of her passport and we got searched at EVERY checkpoint.
We spent 2 weeks w/ my family & everything was great, but upon arrivial here I have sensed a great deal of sadness and homesickness, as the realization of just how far away she is from home has really hit her. But Katya (4 1/2) seems to really like it here and can't believe she can walk out the door and go to the beach or pool.
So to sum it up, if you asked me this very moment if I think it will all work out, all I can say is MAYBE.

[Ramblin]

... in response to I'm alive, well & back on Maui, posted by Stan B on Oct 17, 2001

Best of luck to you Stan.  Please keep us posted.

[Mark H]

... in response to I'm alive, well & back on Maui, posted by Stan B on Oct 17, 2001

Stan,
Welcome back and congratulations. Shows you how long I"ve been away...I didn't know you were going to get your girl and her daughter. Good for you. Email me privately if you need anything.

Mark H.

[Stan B]

... in response to Re: I'm alive, well & back on Maui, posted by Mark H on Oct 18, 2001

Thanx for the offer, and things are getting better as this is only her 3rd day on the island. Today we're going to the other side of the island to hopefully meet this Russian girl who opened an art gallery here. We'll also try to track down the few other Russians & Ukrainians that live here.
Fortuneately Marina has loved everything I've made and we take turns cooking, but Katya won't even try a bite of anything unless her mom cooks it. But kids are kids and that seems to be her only problem w/ adapting. She's a really smart kid, very artistic and is always singing, dancing and drawing.
I'll keep you all posted, as this is a great outlet to vent my thoughts and get everyone's suggestions and encouragement.
So my thanx to everyone and come on out and visit, we need tourists big time...aloha

[tim360z]

... in response to I'm alive, well & back on Maui, posted by Stan B on Oct 17, 2001

Hi Stan,

    I am not exactly sure if this really applies,  but I think it may.  Over the past year I have met many younger people ( 20's-30's)here from the FSU,  most are on a 3  month exchange program.  And a few are skilled in the banking field and get special visa's from the big banks to work for them.  Now, some after a few months in America want to live here forever,  but some really begin to miss home and everything about it.  But,  it seems that each individual has their own reasons.  Some,  after living and working here for 2 months have a pretty good picture of what America is really like.  Remember that most of them had hithero only been told various and inaccurate stories about life here.  The stories about America they are told over there are...just incrediblely inaccurate.  Homesickness???  First,  they begin to miss speaking Russian to other Russian speakers.  They really miss the foods they are accustomed to.  In Boston there are some Russian food markets,  but the FSU interns tell me it is all junk.  They really miss walking alot!!!  Cannot beleive that people drive a car for a 1/4 or 1/2 mile errand.  The guys absolutely cannot beleive how fat AW's can get to be as they see some in the supermarkets.  Although they like money alot---it takes quite some time for them to begin to understand how to manage it effectively.  One kid did not get a calling plan and in 2 weeks blew $900 bucks on calling home @ $5.15 per minute.  Mom,  girlfriend,  friends.  On the other hand,  they cannot beleive how cheap quality clothes or designer perfume can be here. By a factor of like 10.  Or that hot water runs 24 hours a day.  All in all I think the change in enviroment is great and it takes quite some time to adjust and 3 months is not quite enough,  from my limited experience.  I think and I hope you do not mind my saying that her comfort and personally feeling good will be helped with,  Russian foods,  some Russian speaker to speak with,  alot of walking--not driving,  English lessons etc.  But,  I think your personal communication about everything is most important. It takes time.  I know one guy who has been here 6 years and he is doing great,  loves it here and has a nice life...made all the adjustments,  makes 100K a year, finally bought a new Mercedes.  But,  every 2 weeks,  every paycheck he send Mom some money.  I have met his Mom when he brought her over for a few weeks and Mom,  despite everyting...could not wait to get back home to Moscow...America was just too,  too overwhelming for her...she missed everything back home...even dirty streets.  Just my 2 cents,  hang in there,  Tim

[charles]

... in response to I'm alive, well & back on Maui, posted by Stan B on Oct 17, 2001

A few suggestions that seem to work with the adjustment and homesickness:
1)    Go easy on showing all of the America and even the local sites.  She will have plenty of time for that.
2)    Give her a special area of the house - her space and,if possible, let her take over the house.  If you were like me before I was married, my house was a proverbial bachelor pad.  Tania had the place looking beautiful almost immediately.
3)    Get her working or in school as soon as she is ready.
4)    Driving lessons are a real turn-on --- Tania was very excited about learning to drive.  
These are things that worked in my case.  Some of them were done with no concious plan but in retrospect I see how these things helped to eliminate the homesickness factor.

[KenC]

... in response to I'm alive, well & back on Maui, posted by Stan B on Oct 17, 2001

Stan,
Glad that everything went well so far.  You have to understand that your time in NY was a vacation and now reality is sinking in with Marina.  She is uncertain of her boundries in your home and everything is strange for her.  Make her feel as comfortable as posible.  Talk about what freedoms she has in your home and out.  The first days are the hardest.  In time she will get into a routine and her fears will subside.  Don't overwhelm her with every site to see on the island, but also keep her busy enough so she will not have hours to miss her home.  It is a difficult time in her transition.  The more friends (preferably female) you introduce her to, the easier time she will have.  The most important thing for you to do at this time is communicate!!!  No matter how tired you are after work, talk to her.  Best of luck to you.
KenC
ps (I had a much easier time of this because I worked from a home office)

[Stan B]

... in response to first days are the hardest, posted by KenC on Oct 17, 2001

Thats pretty much the plan, as all my female friends are dying to meet her and take her shopping, out to lunch and things of that nature. I also agree about not overwhelming her and we plan on taking it slow on the touristy things. And I'm sure that your right about establishing a routine and her finding her comfort level in this 'new' life.
I also have to say that w/o this board and all the different advice, suggestions and comments, this endevure would've been much harder. Even some of the things that I didn't agree w/ are still valuable, as being aware of everyone's viewpoint has been invaluable.

[tim360z]

... in response to I'm alive, well & back on Maui, posted by Stan B on Oct 17, 2001

...kids like Katya (4 1/2) are far more flexible and resilent.  They look at the change with an awe and a wonder and will embrace the new change of circumstances.  With most adults they find their new surroundings somewhat uncomfortable,  even if the new place is comparatively better.  I am sure your RW will begin to miss everything...even the neighbors she did not like.  It will be a process...so hang in there.  I am sure you will.  Tim

[thesearch]

... in response to I'm alive, well & back on Maui, posted by Stan B on Oct 17, 2001

This will be very difficult on your future wife. This is my biggest concern - the radical transition from one culture to another that these ladies must go through.
Also, different people cope in their own way some better than others. Some hide what they are going through which is bad others not.

You may need to get a second job just to pay for the  phone bill so that she can call home frequently. )) You also need to plan now for her visit back home and start saving. If she knows it is in the works right now, it is a mental thing that makes the here and now more bearable as she knows that her a trip is in the future. Right now it is like her home is gone. Everyone needs time to detach.

I say these things not having brought a woman over but from what I know about human psychology and what men have told me who have shared this difficult time with a woman from another land.

Good luck to you

[Ryan]

... in response to Re: I'm alive, well & back on Maui, posted by thesearch on Oct 17, 2001

I must agree with you here, as my biggest concern (even though I have not found the one) is - the radical transition from one culture to another that these ladies must go through.  It is scary as I envision myself in that position, but when it does I just have to hope and pray that the woman I find will help ease my uneasiness about it.  This mean that the woman I find must be so special we need to be like, “two peas in a pod,” before I will even jump at going through with marriage and bringing them over here to the U.S.   Will I ever find this woman?  I am sure going to have a lot of fun trying, or at least an adventure.  

None of this is for the weak or the meek...

Ryan

[Patrick]

... in response to The radical transition........, posted by Ryan on Oct 17, 2001

I think they all go through a roller coaster ride when they arrive.  I read a book (I think it was Culture Shock) that described the transition as being an up and down ride until they settle into things.  Initial uphoria follwed by depression, then a milder euphoria, milder depression, etc.

That's pretty much how it went for my wife.  Initial euphoria when she saw how life in our world is.  Clean streets, big freeways, modern appliances, 60 channels of tv. etc.

Then one day she asked why so many of the old people are put in nursing homes, why the young people seem to have so much dis-respect for their parents and others.  Why they all seem so anxious to move out of their parents houses, etc.

She eventually settled down and now enjoys her life here without the pangs she previously felt.  It may have been easier for her than for the typical FSU woman.  My wife's Colombian and she met several Latin people who became our friends soon after arriving in an ESL (English as a Second Language) class.  I don't know how many people from the FSU would be in those classes, but I doubt that there's anywhere near the same number of people there are from Latin countries.  I think it also helped that I was semi-fluent in Spanish and able to explain things to her in Spanish that she didn't understand and explain some new words to her.

I would recommend that everyone start work immediately on a re-entry visa after marrying.  You never know when a family member may get seriously ill and she may have to travel home without much notice.  My wife's father passed away and without the re-entry visa, it would have been a big problem for her to get back in the country after returning home.  It would also help if she can go back home to visit after a year or so here.

I would also recommend studying her language, and not just casually, but in a class room environment, with exams, mid-terms, etc.  I learned far more through 15 semester units of Spanish than I ever would have on my own.

We all need to go beyond looking at mini-skirts and imagining life married to a beautiful woman and think about the real issues that must be faced in a bi-cultural marriage.  It's not easy, and I think you need some natural desire to learn both her language and culture.

I had the benefit of having dated a Mexican woman and starting Spanish classes before I ever saw an ad from a company offering to introduce men to Latin ladies.  I already knew something (at least about Mexico) and was studying Spanish at a junior college at nights.  It definitely helped, both in terms of my ability to communicate well with women before making any decisions, and in easing my wife's transition to living in our culture.

[Ryan]

... in response to The transition, posted by Patrick on Oct 17, 2001

Thank you I agree with you.  I have taken Russian classes at the community college and tried to learn the language it takes time and lots of practice.  I read the book culture shock last year it but that was a book on going to the Ukraine don't think it was the same book your talking about.  

Ryan

[Cold Warrior]

... in response to The transition, posted by Patrick on Oct 17, 2001

Columbianas are great women.I've lived several years in Venezuela and met a lot of women from Colombia.Unfortunately I could not have a stable relationship since I had to travel a lot and was moving constantly.I've been to Bogota,Cali and Santander.I think it is easier for a latina to adapt to the US since these countries are more Americanized than Eastern Europe.If it doesn't work with my Ukrainian girl I will look again to Venezuela and Colombia.Funny thing is I never saw or know of any marriage agency in Venezuela,most of the girls there are very happy with the local guys.

[Stan B]

... in response to The radical transition........, posted by Ryan on Oct 17, 2001

in everything you said. And life on Maui is different even if you are an American, as I can remember it took me quite a while to really get used to it. And the east coast is only 1/2 way home for her, so I can understand a little bit of how she feels.
And while we spoke on the phone quite often, I'm sure the phone bills will at least double and w/ the economic situation here, getting a 2nd job right now would be impossible, as places have been laying people off until biz picks back up. And my income will defineately be down until the new year.
But we did have a good talk about her being able to talk to me and tell me whats bothering her and her mood has lightened considerably since. We never had this problem before, as she ussually tells me whats on her mind w/o my asking and questions everything around her. So to she her looking so sad and quiet was a new expierance for me, and 1 that I will do everything to avoid in the future, no matter how inevitable that is.
So for now all I can do is hang in there, give her as much support as she needs and hit the beach...aloha