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Author Topic: How to deflect the skeptics?  (Read 3095 times)

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Offline Wildstubby

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Re: How to deflect the skeptics?
« Reply #75 on: April 23, 2018, 11:52:18 AM »
It must be that thing with 'forbidden fruit'. Because you hear of these type of stories all the time. My ex asked me to go to the bars with her. It was never my scene and the fact my father was an alcoholic just made bars a turn off for me. I let her go 'cluck with the hens'. Apparently there was a lot of clucking going on that she did the dirty dance with somebody else. In the end, I can honestly say that the money I lost during the divorce was money well spent. I don't have a psychotic wife to put up with anymore and I am learning about other 'fishes in the sea!'

Offline Elexpatriado

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Re: How to deflect the skeptics?
« Reply #76 on: April 23, 2018, 06:05:15 PM »

I not only know a guy this happened to but I've heard this story a million times. My friend's wife cheated with her personal trainer once (she claims) and she was so ridden with guilt that she admitted it to him. I sincerely believe she was very much so in love with my friend and just had a moment of weakness. After a couple of years of marriage counseling he decided to forgive her and they've been married 11 years now. Obviously there were kids involved so there was a lot of motivation on both sides to make the marriage work. He's a better man than me. I can't forgive infidelity. Even if it's a one time thing and not a full blown affair. If I figure it out....it's over.


One thing he told me I'll never forget though: If your girlfriend/wife insist on staying in shape to the point she wants a personal trainer, that's a wonderful problem to have. But get her a female trainer. There are literally tons of them in every major city. The advantages are endless. They'll be able to relate to them better physiologically and empathize with the many struggles women have with body image and unrealistic expectations of beauty. But more importantly, she won't be placed in an intense, sexually charged situation with another man 2 or 3 times a week. The sweat. The hormones. The adrenaline. There's probably not a better recipe for a quicky at the nearest motel if you're talking about two people that are already attracted to one another. And if it's good sex, if there's chemistry...there's a chance it will become habitual. Women are human. They can become victims of their own carnal desires just like us. The best way for either gender to remain faithful is not placing themselves in situations where having sex with someone other than your significant other is so enticing.


When I was in Rio dating the mother of my son she had a friend I had to act like I absolutely hated. I told my ex I didn't want to be around her at all....NEVER! The truth is I wanted to #$@& her brains out so bad that just making eye contact with her would increase my heart rate and make my palms sweat. And although she never said anything I'm pretty sure the feeling was mutual. Long, drawn out eye contact. She'd find any little excuse to touch me and would always look into my eyes afterwards then too. Playing with her hair anytime she spoke to me. Bending over to pick things up in front of me. Laughing at all my jokes. She would always show up places when I was with my ex and almost never show up when my ex would meet friends without me. And this chick could have had any guy she wanted. I mean ANYONE!! I could not have drawn a woman who was more my type physically. Even the sound of her voice would set me off. It made no sense to me why she acted that way.  I even thought they were trying to set me up at one point. I didn't want to hurt my ex though. I really didn't want to mess that up. I had to do what I had to do to make sure it never happened. Because honestly, if placed in that situation, no way in hell I could have resisted.


All that said I tend to agree with Elex. If there's even an inkling of something like that rattling around in your head about your woman, it's time to have that talk. It's not worth the stress.


If the Private trainer is also your personal PI than its a good test...to vet her out..

For Colombian men money is more important than pu$$y

Offline robert angel

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Re: How to deflect the skeptics?
« Reply #77 on: April 24, 2018, 11:31:55 AM »
Guess someone thought the above post was so nice, he wanted to see it twice, LOL.
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Re: How to deflect the skeptics?
« Reply #77 on: April 24, 2018, 11:31:55 AM »

Offline Elexpatriado

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Re: How to deflect the skeptics?
« Reply #78 on: April 24, 2018, 01:22:30 PM »
Guess someone thought the above post was so nice, he wanted to see it twice, LOL.


You have patience to write 3000 word essays, but dont have the patience to read someone elses repeated post  with an addition at the end


read the end 2 or 3 sentences.

Offline Wildstubby

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Re: How to deflect the skeptics?
« Reply #79 on: April 24, 2018, 04:31:03 PM »
Elexpatriado said:
Quote
You have patience to write 3000 word essays, but dont have the patience to read someone elses repeated post  with an addition at the end

Elex, do your self a favor and separate your comments from the quoted treatise! You do the same thing on the other forums. Jeeesh!

Offline buencamino3

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Re: How to deflect the skeptics?
« Reply #80 on: April 24, 2018, 05:22:50 PM »

read the end 2 or 3 sentences.


Don't be wishy washy. Is it "2" or "3" sentences?
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Offline robert angel

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Re: How to deflect the skeptics?
« Reply #81 on: April 24, 2018, 05:41:06 PM »

You have patience to write 3000 word essays, but dont have the patience to read someone elses repeated post  with an addition at the end


read the end 2 or 3 sentences.
Elex  I apologize. I did read the entire, excellent post in its entirety the first time, but as you put your 26 word contribution inside the grayed out area designated for quotes, I somehow missed it on my second read. Human error--honestly, I've made that same mistake too.

Maybe it's because the 26 words were written so well, and not at your characteristically grade school, 'D' mark grammar level, that I missed it!!  ;D ::)
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Offline Elexpatriado

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Re: How to deflect the skeptics?
« Reply #82 on: April 25, 2018, 08:56:35 AM »

Don't be wishy washy. Is it "2" or "3" sentences?


Goback and read it and you tell me

Offline Elexpatriado

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Re: How to deflect the skeptics?
« Reply #83 on: April 25, 2018, 08:58:38 AM »
Elex  I apologize. I did read the entire, excellent post in its entirety the first time, but as you put your 26 word contribution inside the grayed out area designated for quotes, I somehow missed it on my second read. Human error--honestly, I've made that same mistake too.

Maybe it's because the 26 words were written so well, and not at your characteristically grade school, 'D' mark grammar level, that I missed it!!  ;D ::)


Please go back and count again..I want to be 100% sure it was exactly 26 and not 27 or 28.


Only obvious error I could see was "than" instead of "then" other than  regular fast written short cuts...


Thank you very kindly for your effort!!!
« Last Edit: April 25, 2018, 09:02:38 AM by Elexpatriado »

Offline Calipro

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Re: How to deflect the skeptics?
« Reply #84 on: April 25, 2018, 11:31:44 AM »
If the Private trainer is also your personal PI than its a good test...to vet her out..For Colombian men money is more important than pu$$y


Let's try and stay on topic....this was Elexpat's contribution to the board.


I don't know what he is getting at...... unless...he is suggesting that you could always pay the trainer to spy on your women. jajaja


Because for any man living in Colombia....money is always more important than pu$$y.


Pu$$y = unlimited supply (if you live in Colombia)
Money = scarce (can you really ever have enough)
« Last Edit: April 25, 2018, 11:55:42 AM by Calipro »

Offline Elexpatriado

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Re: How to deflect the skeptics?
« Reply #85 on: April 25, 2018, 06:51:21 PM »

Let's try and stay on topic....this was Elexpat's contribution to the board.


I don't know what he is getting at...... unless...he is suggesting that you could always pay the trainer to spy on your women. jajaja


Because for any man living in Colombia....money is always more important than pu$$y.


Pu$$y = unlimited supply (if you live in Colombia)
Money = scarce (can you really ever have enough)


Exactly

Offline robert angel

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Re: How to deflect the skeptics?
« Reply #86 on: April 26, 2018, 07:28:18 AM »

Please go back and count again..I want to be 100% sure it was exactly 26 and not 27 or 28.


Only obvious error I could see was "than" instead of "then" other than  regular fast written short cuts...


Thank you very kindly for your effort!!!

Maybe you can't write and I can't count! I'm pretty sure I have an SLD (Specific Learning Disability) for Math.

Maybe I'm lexdyslic...

But then again, in our area, we have illiterate people, who paid other people to do their online college papers, coursework etc--who proudly display their internet 'college' degree mill Education PhD diplomas and DEMAND you address them as 'Doctor'. They run our school system, a tightly knit group, mostly from the same sorority.

Interestingly, the more prestigious and recognized the University a person attended and got a Doctoral degree from, the LEAST likely they are to insist on being addressed as 'Dr.

One guy I work with, has a Doctorate from Yale. When I addressed him as "Dr. _____", he said "Only call me a Dr. if I'm very sick'" - - humble dude indeed.

Soooo meanwhile, we have people who can't write, (and making well over a 100K a year) lording over people who can't read!
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Offline Elexpatriado

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Re: How to deflect the skeptics?
« Reply #87 on: April 27, 2018, 01:52:43 PM »
Maybe you can't write and I can't count! I'm pretty sure I have an SLD (Specific Learning Disability) for Math.

Maybe I'm lexdyslic...

But then again, in our area, we have illiterate people, who paid other people to do their online college papers, coursework etc--who proudly display their internet 'college' degree mill Education PhD diplomas and DEMAND you address them as 'Doctor'. They run our school system, a tightly knit group, mostly from the same sorority.

Interestingly, the more prestigious and recognized the University a person attended and got a Doctoral degree from, the LEAST likely they are to insist on being addressed as 'Dr.

One guy I work with, has a Doctorate from Yale. When I addressed him as "Dr. _____", he said "Only call me a Dr. if I'm very sick'" - - humble dude indeed.

Soooo meanwhile, we have people who can't write, (and making well over a 100K a year) lording over people who can't read!

I am just pulling your leg you know dont you?

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Re: How to deflect the skeptics?
« Reply #87 on: April 27, 2018, 01:52:43 PM »

Offline robert angel

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Re: How to deflect the skeptics?
« Reply #88 on: April 27, 2018, 04:02:18 PM »
I am just pulling your leg you know dont you?

OH yeah, we shouldn't take anything here too seriously. Even when it sounds, looks down n nasty, like 'personal' - - it's just our Elex, err... 'alter' ego's spouting off. It's like how kids say the nastiest sh!t to their parents--because they know they can get away with dishing such crap and they won't get punched. Unlike fish, you can't throw your kids back because they come up a bit short.  Same here. I bet if two members from here met in a bar, not knowing the other was some specific guy here, that once it was established we were both foreigners interested in foreign women, 9 out 10 of us would be buying the udder guy a beer, LOL.
« Last Edit: April 27, 2018, 07:47:40 PM by robert angel »
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Offline Fosgate5

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Re: How to deflect the skeptics?
« Reply #89 on: May 13, 2018, 10:14:42 AM »
My take on the subject. I was in a toxic long term relationship (with an American) and when I got out of it I discovered how many people I considered friends and family betrayed me. I found out that she had while she grilled me not to discuss our issues with anyone else, that she was calling and talking to my friends and family that would listen and pinky swear them to secrecy. A few of them even contributed to the demise by fanning her on. I really had to re-evaluate who my friends were and who I let into my life, which is very F'ing few now days. A couple of immediate family members graduated recently to the list of people I will never have direct contact with and will never meet my Filipina fiance because of their tendency to medle and manipulate. Fake people are not limited to just "Friends" sometimes those people are your family members that you have known your whole life and you tolerate their behavior because they are family and you have to put up with it. (I call BS on that)
[/size]
[/size]Through my evaluation of my life, family and friends I realized I had become associated with a lot of people with the "Can't, Don't" attitude which has never been my motto. I've always been a "Can, Do and figure out how" sort of character that loved to prove people wrong when they tell you that you cant do something. These are the crab mentality people Robert referred to. I never really understood that meaning until an entrepreneur friend told me once when he setup a Kiosk in a local mall with his young daughter to run selling hermit crabs when they were popular. "People are no different than crabs, single crab in a bucket and they will always find a way out and get away, more than one and the others will pull each other back into the bucket." It's so true that those "Can't, Don't" people are the other crabs and they will wear on you and pull you back in.
[/size]
[/size]One of the toughest things I did was axing, some of those first few relationships with those type of people. What made it easy is not having the thought of turning into a hermit or parting ways in negative frustration. I just sat down and decided I am going to do the positive things in life and have that outlook. If someone wanted to drag me down they made their choice and it's not in my personal philosophy that I have time for those people anymore.
[/size]
[/size]The questions you get oh the questions. I'm repeatedly getting asked by people, "How did you two meet." despite me telling them twice in the last two months. As someone mentioned before you are now part of that "Mail Order Bride." Club all loaded up on the judgment train by people you meet. I'll tell everyone once, but you don't get to ask me again. I've noticed this pattern in some people and it is a pattern a detective uses in interrogation and in parents with their children when they believe they are lying. Depending on mood I will either deflect it or simply call them out on it. Usually I use a "Socratic Method" as in answering a question with a question. Usually they will followup with some totally stupid comment or reasoning. Humor may work temporarily, but they will still inquire if not now later in the future. So I have found the best though at just be direct and be brutally honest with them.
[/size]
[/size]This is what typically do, I ask them why do they feel it is necessary to repeatedly ask me the same question or ask why they would ask me that? Regardless of how they answer I dump on them my disinterest of American women at my age, their behaviors in my dating history and what I am seeing. I then reinforce myself by saying something like, "It's great that your in a marriage. Your lucky you are not single in today's dating world and if you ever get a divorce you will find very quickly what I am seeing vs your current opinion of the matter. You might label me as a mail order bride husband, guy who cant get a good woman here, I'm a loser, my fiance as greencard seeker, ...all that weak stereotypical judgmental petty bullshet prenotions of close minded mean ass people. If you do please let me know now so I can not be around people like you."
[/size]
[/size]Usually their eyes are wide as they realized they just stepped over the line and apologize up and down and we are then good for the rest of the conversation. If you have repeated good talks they are cool with you and your situation. If they don't call asking to get together or chat etc. F'k em! They are exactly the people you don't want around messing with your positive outlook or your relationship. It's better to find that out early on so your not wasting precious time on them rather than meeting new people and spending time with those who would rather celebrate their own relationship with their spouse as well as yours with you.
[/size]

[/size]

Offline Wildstubby

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Re: How to deflect the skeptics?
« Reply #90 on: May 13, 2018, 06:17:29 PM »
Welcome to the club Fosgate5!I think you will find you are in with like-minded people, (possibly with exemption to elex!). Yep, I got the same BS when I stepped outside of the lines also. I don't let it bother me to be honest with you. Just recently I made a post on Facebook about my theft at El Dorado. A woman from my HS class asks, "Still looking of love in all the wrong places?" I wanted to swing an axe at her. But instead, I was constructive told her that our hometown wasn't the cultural center of the universe and that I had made many friends, seen many things, and learned a lot of history along the way. This bitch is one bitter pill, "I don't have time for your [snip]ty brag sheet, blah blah blah". I told then don't go messin with a bees nest and expecting not to get stung! The only thing that matters in all this is if you, I and anyone else doing the samething is happy! I may have found that but only time will tell. Everyone else are nothing but pikers. You get out what you put in! If you found some happiness along the way, then 'bully for you!' But screw all the pukes on the sideline. They don't know what they are missing and they don't need to know!

Offline robert angel

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Re: How to deflect the skeptics?
« Reply #91 on: May 13, 2018, 07:18:08 PM »
Welcome to the club Fosgate5!I think you will find you are in with like-minded people, (possibly with exemption to elex!). Yep, I got the same BS when I stepped outside of the lines also. I don't let it bother me to be honest with you. Just recently I made a post on Facebook about my theft at El Dorado. A woman from my HS class asks, "Still looking of love in all the wrong places?" I wanted to swing an axe at her. But instead, I was constructive told her that our hometown wasn't the cultural center of the universe and that I had made many friends, seen many things, and learned a lot of history along the way. This bitch is one bitter pill, "I don't have time for your [snip]ty brag sheet, blah blah blah". I told then don't go messin with a bees nest and expecting not to get stung! The only thing that matters in all this is if you, I and anyone else doing the samething is happy! I may have found that but only time will tell. Everyone else are nothing but pikers. You get out what you put in! If you found some happiness along the way, then 'bully for you!' But screw all the pukes on the sideline. They don't know what they are missing and they don't need to know!

That's  just one reason I stay off Facebook, Instagram etc. My wife handles it well, in fact she sadly told me today that the Philippines ranks first in 'social media' usage, with in average, people on it FOUR hours a day.

No wonder so many people are out of work. I wonder what 'social media' does to work productivity in the USA. I bet it makes the old 'coffee break/work room gossip time look minuscule.

But when I occasionally look over and glance at her on her iPad FB, I see how it has extrapolated to people we don't, or hardly know---friends of friends ad nauseum.

So many people taking pictures of fancy restaurants, resorts, clothes they're trying on, pics alongside cars and homes they don't even own, etc. Some of the family stuff is nice, but most of the rest reeks of coveting and poser.

Even in 'real life' she'll occasionally--like yesterday, say to me: " It really IS just you and me". Damn right. We have wonderful relationships with our families, fortunately. We have a a lot of friendly acquaintances, lots of graduation party invites now, for example.

But the kids are gone, we both have a surviving parent we care for from afar, but when the lights go out and when the sun comes up, aside from her job's responsibilities, our days, nights our lives, revolve around the TWO of us.

Outside of our immediate family, everyone else are players in a big, all too dramatic play.

And sometimes, even with the family, some couples have to distance themselves, extending the "Feck em all, it's not about them, it's about us" attitude.

Most people outside our situations, outside mindsets like ours, don't understand. As such, being uncomfortable, they'll possibly say, do stuff that'll do little good. My advice is be nice, smile when possible --but keep your distance and don't say too much.

« Last Edit: May 13, 2018, 08:15:46 PM by robert angel »
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Offline fathertime

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Re: How to deflect the skeptics?
« Reply #92 on: May 14, 2018, 08:12:54 AM »


Through my evaluation of my life, family and friends I realized I had become associated with a lot of people with the "Can't, Don't" attitude which has never been my motto. I've always been a "Can, Do and figure out how" sort of character that loved to prove people wrong when they tell you that you cant do something. These are the crab mentality people Robert referred to. I never really understood that meaning until an entrepreneur friend told me once when he setup a Kiosk in a local mall with his young daughter to run selling hermit crabs when they were popular. "People are no different than crabs, single crab in a bucket and they will always find a way out and get away, more than one and the others will pull each other back into the bucket." It's so true that those "Can't, Don't" people are the other crabs and they will wear on you and pull you back in.

One of the toughest things I did was axing, some of those first few relationships with those type of people. What made it easy is not having the thought of turning into a hermit or parting ways in negative frustration. I just sat down and decided I am going to do the positive things in life and have that outlook. If someone wanted to drag me down they made their choice and it's not in my personal philosophy that I have time for those people anymore.

The questions you get oh the questions. I'm repeatedly getting asked by people, "How did you two meet." despite me telling them twice in the last two months. As someone mentioned before you are now part of that "Mail Order Bride." Club all loaded up on the judgment train by people you meet. I'll tell everyone once, but you don't get to ask me again. I've noticed this pattern in some people and it is a pattern a detective uses in interrogation and in parents with their children when they believe they are lying. Depending on mood I will either deflect it or simply call them out on it. Usually I use a "Socratic Method" as in answering a question with a question. Usually they will followup with some totally stupid comment or reasoning. Humor may work temporarily, but they will still inquire if not now later in the future. So I have found the best though at just be direct and be brutally honest with them.

This is what typically do, I ask them why do they feel it is necessary to repeatedly ask me the same question or ask why they would ask me that? Regardless of how they answer I dump on them my disinterest of American women at my age, their behaviors in my dating history and what I am seeing. I then reinforce myself by saying something like, "It's great that your in a marriage. Your lucky you are not single in today's dating world and if you ever get a divorce you will find very quickly what I am seeing vs your current opinion of the matter. You might label me as a mail order bride husband, guy who cant get a good woman here, I'm a loser, my fiance as greencard seeker, ...all that weak stereotypical judgmental petty bullshet prenotions of close minded mean ass people. If you do please let me know now so I can not be around people like you."

Usually their eyes are wide as they realized they just stepped over the line and apologize up and down and we are then good for the rest of the conversation. If you have repeated good talks they are cool with you and your situation. If they don't call asking to get together or chat etc. F'k em! They are exactly the people you don't want around messing with your positive outlook or your relationship. It's better to find that out early on so your not wasting precious time on them rather than meeting new people and spending time with those who would rather celebrate their own relationship with their spouse as well as yours with you.


Hehe, personally I wouldn't be TOO hard on outsiders...sure they may be a bit ignorant and ask stupid or prying questions, but I don't think it is that big a deal.  After several years, the questions stop, people accept.  Initially people may find the situation unusual so naturally they are curious.   There will probably always be some level of harmless gossip, but people need something to talk about I guess, and in some cases something to make themselves feel better for whatever reason.  Now that you have written about it here (Which is good), waste little thought/energy on the subject.  Continued good luck with your lady.


Fathertime!   
09/08 saw morena goddess on Jamie's website
09/08Began writing/webcamming future wife
10/08Visited BAQ to meet future wife
12/08 Visited a second time and got engaged
01/09 Visa Paperwork done(williamIII)
02/09quickvisit BAQ
08/09Wife arrives
09/09Got married
11/10 son born

Offline Hector_Lavoe

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Re: How to deflect the skeptics?
« Reply #93 on: May 14, 2018, 10:05:59 PM »
Just recently I made a post on Facebook about my theft at El Dorado. A woman from my HS class asks, "Still looking of love in all the wrong places?" I wanted to swing an axe at her. But instead, I was constructive told her that our hometown wasn't the cultural center of the universe and that I had made many friends, seen many things, and learned a lot of history along the way. This bitch is one bitter pill, "I don't have time for your [snip]ty brag sheet, blah blah blah".


Wow, what a frickn b-i-t-c-h!! Ridiculous.





Offline robert angel

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Re: How to deflect the skeptics?
« Reply #94 on: May 15, 2018, 03:30:43 AM »

Wow, what a frickn b-i-t-c-h!! Ridiculous.

Typically people like that are bitter and unhappy with their own lives. Miserable, wretched souls. At best, narrow minded. By putting down other people, it elevates them in their own minds. They think they 'know better.'

I should feel pity for them, but to be honest, it's hard to.

I've had my share of some pretty dark times. Divorced, about wiped out financially, in a dingey little apartment with primary custody of two young kids, one just out of diapers.

There were other things I had to work through. It made me quit drinking, cold turkey, among other life changes. That was hard, as I knew most of the owners, employees at the clubs, they rarely charged me a dime and there were plenty of babes. I even made time to go back to school while working full time to earn more income.

But family, and I wish they'd lived closer than 1200 miles away, but for better or worse, if we're lucky, we have sort of a 'license by blood' to let off our misery and unhappiness there and I did.

But aside from family, I don't think I dumped my woes on anyone. Or that other people should. Guess I didn't have to, as I was so depressed, I went from 220 well balanced pounds, to 155 emaciated pounds, so people knew I was going through something dark. Not that many cared.

Hated to admit it, but I pretty much 'made' - - and still do, the proverbial bed I sleep in, - - really my life, hellish or otherwise.

And besides my ex, I never felt a need to put anyone else down. And I went too far there. I asked HER to marry me after all. And despite her faults and part time parent status, she added a certain 'polish' to our kids that didn't come from me.

But when I start to throw myself a pity party, I start thinking about a whole lot of people who deal with a a lot worse.

I immediately start to feel better.

I retire next week and the miserable  pit vipers I've worked with for thirty years had stressed me out to the point where I felt like they were trying to run me out of town.

At my retirement dinner last night, I looked at all their oddly smiling faces, at all the people, many who'd in the past stabbed me in the back or otherwise 'Thrown me under the bus'  trying to  tell my self 'Rob, it's business, not personal'---but the happiest, most sincere and beautiful face was my wife's (my closest counsel, work letter editor, she obviously stays out of my PL posts, ha) and I thought:

"Hell, they're not running me out of town, they're the poor fools facing federal and state monitors, I'm CLEAN, free and besides - - I'm not running from a 'job' or 'career' persay----I'm  f___king leading the parade AND running AWAY from THEIR circus! " LOL...

And after they delete my Outlook 365 account access next week,  I have it all saved on my own private  hard drives, along with additional boxes, chock full of paperwork, reports and files. The dirt. Screen shots of files 'transient' or not printable too. Stuff with dates before and after it was backdated.  If they want to lay anything on me, it'll be their downfall.

But last night, after the acollades quieted, after I recieved my gold and crystal mantel clock and the crocodiles were all done smiling, I skipped over our "Risk Management Executive' and told HIS boss, "I was this (-) close to lawyering up, going against the house and while I've covered my bases well, the way I was raised, you don't burn the house on the way out--so....good luck--see you around"...

But misery loves company, that's for sure.
« Last Edit: May 15, 2018, 09:37:26 AM by robert angel »
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Offline robert angel

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Re: How to deflect the skeptics?
« Reply #95 on: May 15, 2018, 07:30:57 PM »
The answer to this thread's question: "How to deflect the skeptics?" is really in the title itself. Try to deflect the questions to start with. Don't entertain discussions. If you can't shut them down w/o being rude, try and change the topic. Chances are they already have preconceived notions anyhow and if you let them continue, they'll be on a rip. Slim chance of changing their minds.

And should you bring them closer into your situation and then bring a foreign woman in, it'll make things worse.

Again, it's not about 'them' - - it's about you and her, the person you'll be spending a lot more time with.
Whether you think you can or think you can't--you're right!

Offline mambocowboy

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Re: How to deflect the skeptics?
« Reply #96 on: May 15, 2018, 10:36:02 PM »
Typically people like that are bitter and unhappy with their own lives. Miserable, wretched souls. At best, narrow minded. By putting down other people, it elevates them in their own minds. They think they 'know better.'

I should feel pity for them, but to be honest, it's hard to.

I've had my share of some pretty dark times. Divorced, about wiped out financially, in a dingey little apartment with primary custody of two young kids, one just out of diapers.

There were other things I had to work through. It made me quit drinking, cold turkey, among other life changes. That was hard, as I knew most of the owners, employees at the clubs, they rarely charged me a dime and there were plenty of babes. I even made time to go back to school while working full time to earn more income.

But family, and I wish they'd lived closer than 1200 miles away, but for better or worse, if we're lucky, we have sort of a 'license by blood' to let off our misery and unhappiness there and I did.

But aside from family, I don't think I dumped my woes on anyone. Or that other people should. Guess I didn't have to, as I was so depressed, I went from 220 well balanced pounds, to 155 emaciated pounds, so people knew I was going through something dark. Not that many cared.

Hated to admit it, but I pretty much 'made' - - and still do, the proverbial bed I sleep in, - - really my life, hellish or otherwise.

And besides my ex, I never felt a need to put anyone else down. And I went too far there. I asked HER to marry me after all. And despite her faults and part time parent status, she added a certain 'polish' to our kids that didn't come from me.

But when I start to throw myself a pity party, I start thinking about a whole lot of people who deal with a a lot worse.

I immediately start to feel better.

I retire next week and the miserable  pit vipers I've worked with for thirty years had stressed me out to the point where I felt like they were trying to run me out of town.

At my retirement dinner last night, I looked at all their oddly smiling faces, at all the people, many who'd in the past stabbed me in the back or otherwise 'Thrown me under the bus'  trying to  tell my self 'Rob, it's business, not personal'---but the happiest, most sincere and beautiful face was my wife's (my closest counsel, work letter editor, she obviously stays out of my PL posts, ha) and I thought:

"Hell, they're not running me out of town, they're the poor fools facing federal and state monitors, I'm CLEAN, free and besides - - I'm not running from a 'job' or 'career' persay----I'm  f___king leading the parade AND running AWAY from THEIR circus! " LOL...

And after they delete my Outlook 365 account access next week,  I have it all saved on my own private  hard drives, along with additional boxes, chock full of paperwork, reports and files. The dirt. Screen shots of files 'transient' or not printable too. Stuff with dates before and after it was backdated.  If they want to lay anything on me, it'll be their downfall.

But last night, after the acollades quieted, after I recieved my gold and crystal mantel clock and the crocodiles were all done smiling, I skipped over our "Risk Management Executive' and told HIS boss, "I was this (-) close to lawyering up, going against the house and while I've covered my bases well, the way I was raised, you don't burn the house on the way out--so....good luck--see you around"...

But misery loves company, that's for sure.
Congrats on your retirement! I'm glad I'm not the only one who's experienced a hostile work environment. I too have sent plenty of work emails to my personal account in case I need to defend myself...I find it incredibly draining but it will make me appreciate retirement,  I'm pretty sure...

Offline Wildstubby

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Re: How to deflect the skeptics?
« Reply #97 on: May 17, 2018, 07:17:19 PM »
I echo those sentiments Robert! I have at least 5 more years left in the salt mine before I can throw away my 'blue collar'!

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Re: How to deflect the skeptics?
« Reply #97 on: May 17, 2018, 07:17:19 PM »

Offline robert angel

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Re: How to deflect the skeptics?
« Reply #98 on: May 17, 2018, 08:38:28 PM »
Thanks guys! At least I got in young, got 31 years in and can take my pretty decent health insurance.

My sister is a major officer for a company that owns 8 hospitals in the mid west,  totalling about 10,000 beds, and if she left tomorrow, after about 25 years,  she'd have NO health insurance from them. Way of the world.

The work world in the USA--really worldwide, has changed a lot in the last couple decades. Companies that used to offer good salaries, security, pensions and benefits, even the US post office, pay a lot of workers contract to contract, hourly w/o benefits.

There's still some good jobs out there--my son, a 20 y/o college junior, with dual computer science and math majors,  has an internship paying him $23 an hour and  they said if he works out (he's killin it there and says "It's fun!!") they'll start him around 80K, with great bennies next year, but that's unusual.

My wife, who's struggled with English, both spoken and in writing,  but kept self improving through classes and by working her way up in a few jobs,  is finally 'hitting her stride' and is a lot better in her work self confidence--although every company she's worked with loved her. She been cooridinating eCommerce for them and this week, after 5 years, they gave her the maximum pay raise they can, 7%, plus a bonus. 99% of staff got 2.5% She's still on a 401k matching retirement deal, but she has about 5 weeks a year vacation, which suits us well.

But I made sure as long as she's with me, she stands to inherit my pension. It costs me hundreds each month, (the pretty, much younger wife in the USA 'penalty', LOL) but if we split, my pension goes back up to it's max.

But the first 20, almost 25 work years for me were almost charmed, but it really went to hell. A lot of places have, between lawyers and efficiency 'System Analysts', sucking more work out of fewer people, making things paranoid and hellish. At one time, they had me color coding onto a special columned sheet with colored pencils, every activity I was doing every 15 minutes. (To think--- I almost pursued BOTH of those fields!)

Thankful again for my wife, who made it easier to not let it consume me, was understanding when it did anyway and when I was royally ticked off, got me to save some venomous emails in draft overnight, edit later or just plain outright delete them. Sort of a catharsis writing them, I guess. Plus she was able to sniff out some rat's at work that I didn't pick up on. A woman's intuition, I tell ya, boys.... ::)

I'll probably take at least 6 months or so off and then maybe do something part time. Something that I can take or leave. Gotta work out up my cardio, hang by the neighborhood pool, chill some for sure. The snakes I worked with (I already twice politely rejected their private lunch invitation this week) are making noises about maybe me coming back in some capacity in the future, .49% of the time.

But the blood's still wet from the holes in my back and just the thought it makes me think of Michael Corelone--"The Godfather,"---where he thinks he's out and legit--that he's DONE---and then he realizes otherwise, and Michael says:

"Just when I thought I was OUT--they pull me back in!!!"

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=S-IkWpm7TS0
Whether you think you can or think you can't--you're right!

Offline pachris

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Re: How to deflect the skeptics?
« Reply #99 on: May 17, 2018, 10:31:46 PM »
I've been in IT, specifically software development/engineering for about 20 years and for good college grads with Comp Sci or other related degrees, getting 70-80k is reasonable to expect if the grad has a decent head on their shoulders and knows how to work.  Sounds like your son is one of the good ones! 
My understanding is that the unemployment in IT as a whole is low which is likely helping drive up or keep up the reasonable salaries.  To be fair I've been slightly out of touch on the hiring side for a couple of years as I'm now a contractor for my previous employer in the States after moving to Panama. 


Anyway sounds like you're moving on to better things which I'm sure you'll enjoy more anyway.  If you work pt for your previous employer, definitely make it work your while with some consulting level rates.. there is an old legend, have no idea whether or not it's true and I don't even recall the names.. (sad I know), anyway, per Snopes one variation is Nikola Tesla visited Henry Ford who was having some type of difficulty at his factory,  and Henry asked Tesla to help identify the problem area.  Ford asks him to send a bill and it arrives for $10,000.  Ford asked for the breakout and receives and invoice for $1 for marking the spot and 9,999 for knowing where to put it. :) (Snopes)


Humorous even if not true I guess. nonetheless. 


Good luck with retirement. 

 

 

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