New Introduction

[videoguy50]

Hey Guys!

I wanted to introduce myself and why I am interested in this forum.

 I married a Vietnamese women back in 2001 and we have a 6yr old son together. She had never been married. I was divorced and have another son who is now 14yrs old from my first marriage to a Japanese women .   I have traveled back to South East Asia a few times since we have been married so I have a fresh look at what is happening back in her home.

I hope I can offer some of my experiences with guys who are looking to take the plunge and are not sure what to do.  I know that sometimes it is hard to get support from your friends and family when you go on a different path

Matt C.

[Jeff S]

Hi Videoguy and welcome. We're happy you're here. Any tales of woe or happiness you'd like to pass on?

- Jeff

[Dave H]

Hey Videoguy,

Welcome to P-L!

Dave

[videoguy50]

Jeff

I was thinking that many guys would be interested in the fact that I married two Asian women.

The first is Japanese and I met her in the US via a video dating service.  I did not find out about her sordid past until we were divorcing.  She is an opportunist and broke a few laws along the way to get what she wanted.  Her motto is "a girl has to do what a girl has to do "  Unfortunate for me, I was taken to the cleaners by the courts.  The only good thing was my first son.

Now most of you are thinking that I am a glutton for punishment seeking another Asian woman. The fact of the matter is, I wanted more children and having a mixed race child changed my perspective.  So when my second son was born, the two brothers looked like they belonged to the second wife and me.   This really pisses off  the ex-wife.
 
Ironically, I found some similarities between the two women that I chalk up to their Asian-ness.  That is they have poor self-esteem.  You need to constantly reassure them of their worth and that you do not think of them "as low",your servant or mail order bride.

Now the second marriage, we are very happy ,but it takes hard work. If you found yourself an unmarried virgin like I did, then she will not have anyone to compare you to even if you treat her really well.   The Asian women don't gossip like their western counterparts about personal relationships.

I hope this gives some idea where I am coming from.

Matt C.

[Jeff S]

Thanks Matt. Interesting story. I'd just comment that low self esteem isn't really an Asian thing, it may be coincidence that that's what you ended up with twice. A certain degree of humbleness certainly might be but it seems to me most women thrive on being continually reassured, no matter where they're from. As Chris Rock says, women thrive on compliments ... and an occasional pair of shoes.

I'd agree that any marriage entails a certain amount of work and effort. It's just that the rewards far outweigh the effort, if it is a good one.

[Ray]

Ironically, I found some similarities between the two women that I chalk up to their Asian-ness.  That is they have poor self-esteem.  You need to constantly reassure them of their worth and that you do not think of them "as low",your servant or mail order bride.

The Asian women don't gossip like their western counterparts about personal relationships.

Hi Matt,

I will have to disagree with you on these two points.

I agree with Jeff. If both of your Asian wives suffered from low self-esteem, then perhaps that was just a coincidence. I would not lump all Asians into that category because, from my experience, low self-esteem is not an Asian thing, but rather an individual trait.

Also, if you think Asian women don’t gossip about personal relationships, then you’re in for a big surprise. I can assure you that quite a few Asian ladies do indeed like to gossip about the relationships of others. It’s even a favorite pastime for many. If you don’t speak their language, then you don’t really know what they are talking about amongst themselves, right?

Welcome aboard,

Ray

[Bob_S]

Welcome to the party! 
Even crash-and-burns provide valuable experience for those who follow who have the smarts to listen and learn.  Post away. 

[z_k_g]

Hey Vid,

Welcome to P-L!

Tell me more about your experience with a virgin wife, not any sordid details, just some of your experiences, etc.

I have met quite a few women (my country of choice is Philippines) and they are virgins.  Honestly, this is virgin (no pun intended) territory for me and I want to be as understanding as possible.

What has been your experience(s)?

Thanks!

Zulu

[videoguy50]

Hey Guys

It seems I hit a nerve with some of the established experts here! 

The self esteem comment is more about how people in the US view them with a Caucasian man.  When I courted my wife in Vietnamese  we couldn't hold hands in public  and you don't have to know the language to know that the locals are calling her a "whore".  In the US there are still strong myths about Asian brides being paid prostitutes here only for a Green card and her husband's money

In the Vietnamese culture the bride needs to be "pure" in order not to shame the family.  If the groom discovers on the wedding night that he has been cheated the groom's family sends a pig's head to the brides' home.  This means the bride will be coming home to her family in disgrace.

A single Vietnamese woman risks being blacklisted if seen with a Caucasian man since the locals know we guys are looking to score.  The more you respect her culture the more she will love you. She views her virginity as the only thing that she has to keep for her husband.

Zulu, I hope this helps

Matt C.

[Jeff S]

No nerves - each of us has different experiences and sees things from a different perspective is all.

[Capstone]

Welcome aboard Matt,

I don't think that we currently have any active members who have a Vietnamese wife or fiancée, so it will be nice to have a resource who can share their Vietnamese experiences.

[videoguy50]

No problem...

I would be happy to answer any questions that members have about Vietnamese women and culture.  I welcome PM's if you want a private response.

Keep up the great discussions!


Matt C.

[Bob_S]

The self esteem comment is more about how people in the US view them with a Caucasian man. ...   In the US there are still strong myths about Asian brides being paid prostitutes here only for a Green card and her husband's money

Eh?  In what primitive backwoods BFE hicktown do people still assume that?
Where I come from, Western guy/Asian gal mixes are common.  If he is or was in the military, it's assumed she is a war bride.  If her English is fluent, it's assumed she is from an immigrant community and they met in college a la Michelle and Jesse Malkin.  I don't think I'd ever want to live in some place where folks assume all Asian brides are green card sharks.  I could see how that would wear down a girl's self esteem.  Get her out of there and move to some place civilized.

When I courted my wife in Vietnamese  we couldn't hold hands in public  and you don't have to know the language to know that the locals are calling her a "whore"....
A single Vietnamese woman risks being blacklisted if seen with a Caucasian man since the locals know we guys are looking to score.

That's not about self esteem, though.  That's about face and public propriety.  A good girl with a good reputation will want to maintain that reputation.  And being seen with a foreigner can damage that reputation.
I have a female Thai friend (immigrated to the U.S. when she was a pre-teen) who met and married a white guy in college.  And when she would go with him back to visit Thailand, the locals would look askance at her until they started having kids.  Then they were welcome with friendly greetings by everybody.  Being seen with their children basically legitimized their relationship so she was no longer seen as just another whore with a farang.

The more you respect her culture the more she will love you.

Good advice wherever she may be coming from.

[piglett]

Welcome VG


piglett

[robert angel]

Welcome, VG,

I too am married to my second Asian lady (both Filipinas) and it's nice to see the mention of maintaining a marriage as requiring 'hard work'. You want an exotic wife or car? Better keep it maintained!

Whereas many people repeat the same behaviors/patterns in picking mates--whether it's ethnicity, alcoholism or physical abuse patterns/traits, my first and second wives couldn't be more different than they are. Like night and day.

But as far as Filipinas go, I am afraid with most Filipinas, gossip goes with them like flour goes with cake. My wife has to hear it all and stays out of the nastiness as much as possible, just occasionally throwing out the already well known 'tid bit' here and there, so as not to be discerned by the lot of them as her trying to be the "Virgin Mary".

They do incessantly try to pump her for dirt on me if she seems a little sad and for details on our intimacy, but there, she refuses to relent. It goes back--way back--to how she was raised by her family, and I hope five more years in the USA doesn't change that. Life in the USA, going on six years, has changed her some and I think does change everyone, but her fundamental values are intact thus far.

She's not into attending parties much, but she does like having the option to go when WE want to, and a certain degree and nature of conversation is required. Nobody invites bores for long, although a few ass holes seem to always squeeze into Asian American get togethers.


I am glad she stays well above the fray--in fact she tells me in private to bite my own tongue quite a bit and I let her read/edit some of my work letter correspondence to reduce my 'nasty factor'. She sometimes asks me not to send work correspondence until I've let it sit overnight and I'm not as pissed. For a rather young lady, she's pretty sage sometimes.

[Ethan14]

Welcome Videoguy.

So if girls in Vietnam are viewed negatively when seen with a foreigner does this affect how appealing white guys are in Vietnam? Do many good girls go for Westerners, or is it not too common?

I know it is hard to find an honest girl in Thailand that is interested in a foreigner. Is it the same way in Vietnam?

[Gato4Astrid]

Welcome, Bruce Willis

[videoguy50]

Ethan.. good question

Women in Vietnam have a problem with that fact that the US had a ten year war with their country and the country was divided North and South similar to the US civil war.  Also,the military guys got tired of getting the "clap "from the "bar girls" and started raping the married local women who came to the camp to do their laundry. These women endured the shame of unwanted pregnancies and sent their babies to the rural countryside.  These grown up children are now being allowed to be sponsored by the US government and bring their family members to the US. So for a long time white and black western men were looked down on.

After the war, the only Caucasians were either Russian or Australian, since they ignored the US trade embargo.  So these men started to restore their interest in Western men.   My wife had made a decision to hold off getting married to a local guy in order to keep her options open.  She was 33yr old when we met. Although she was considered an old maid, she had plenty of male suitors.  Her cousin had resettled in the US, since her father worked for the US during the war.  She had a western boyfriend who traveled with her to Vietnam.  It was after interacting with him and another friends' Western husband that my wife started to actively look for a Western husband.

Remember that single women under 30 yrs old we just born after the war and did not experience any of the negative effects. There is still the stigma of Western men wanting to get"laid" and not interested in a serious relationship. The family is very protective of their women and dealing with a foreigner that they don't know is something that a guy has to overcome.


There are plenty of "good girls", but I would not bet that they would be the ones that are available on the "Asian bride tours" There is a loosening of the strict "virginity" code among some, but I would be very suspicious of any young women  offering herself sexually.  Actually the teenage pregnancy rate in Vietnam is exploding  out of ignorance and lack of sex education in the schools.  Believe me, the women are so secretive about their sexuality that they do not know mechanics of intercourse , their menstrual cycle or human reproduction.

My best advice is to get connected with a family member close to where you live.  Having the connection to my wife's cousin in Minnesota is what kept things on track and gave me more credibility

Videoguy 

[GeovanniCoolGuy]

Creepy? Not in the slightest, no.