Interested in an Asian bride

[silvertide]

Hello all! I have a feeling this post is going to be a lot longer than I first thought but I'm gonna write it all down anyways.

Unlike the majority of you members here, I am that guy who just never had any luck with women. I don't intend for this to be a sob story. I'm just going to explain my situation as it is. I'm a Los Angeles native, 26 years old, hold a bachelor's degree in the sciences, 6' tall, slim build and I've never been able to get even a girlfriend in my life. Yes, I'm also a virgin. Now, I'm no player, so I've only asked out a few dozen women in my lifetime, but every girl I've ever asked out has either rejected me or ignored me. I had finally given up on finding a loving wife and starting a family (at the tender age of 26!) until I started to seriously consider looking overseas for that special girl.

So, I intend on spending the next couple of days perusing through these forums. It looks like there's a wealth of information to be found here.

I would have to describe myself as a quiet, humble, polite, serious, frugal and hard-working man. I would like to find a girl who shares many or all of my characteristics. Basically, I was that guy at school who always got the highest grades in class, wore glasses, kept to himself and was shyer than the rest. I know that it may sound shallow to some, but as I am also a virgin I'd like my future wife to be a virgin, too. It just makes more sense to start from a clean slate.

I've been working and saving up my money ($50,000 in investments, no debt) to find a girl in the future and start a family. If and when I do start a family, I'd like to have the traditional roles of me as the breadwinner and provider with my wife taking care of domestic matters and supporting my professional goals. A lot of girls that I've met are turned off that I choose to live with my parents. I could easily move out, but it makes no sense because I've got a great relationship with my parents and housing prices are still astronomical for me. Living with my parents allows me to save even more money every month. Besides, I'd prefer to have a family unit of 3 generations living under the same roof like how many other Asian cultures are structured.

I haven't mentioned that I'm half-white/half-Chinese. I can't speak Chinese, but I'd be willing to learn any language. I can already speak Japanese at the conversation level having studied it in high school. I'm thinking that if I were to find a nice Chinese girl she'd feel more comfortable knowing that I'm also half Chinese. But I also love learning about other cultures so a girl from the Philippines, Vietnam or Thailand would be just as fine.

So do you guys think that a man such as myself has any hope? Keep in mind that I've never even been able to get a girlfriend or even get a girl to kiss me! I just can't measure up to the expectations of the girls that are around me here in the city. Then again, if I were to be successful and marry a girl from here in LA, my chances of getting divorced are just too high to even risk it.

And it's nice to meet you all.

[Dave H]

Hi silvertide,

Welcome to P-L! You should have no problems meeting a very nice girl in Asia. I personally only have knowledge of the Philippines. But others here can help you with other countries. I have many friends in the Philippines who are Chinese or part Chinese like yourself. So the Philippines could prove a possible choice for your search. As to virgins, very common for ladies at all ages here, as well as never been kissed. Most ladies also speak English (some excellent) and many are highly educated. Just take your time and you will find the lady of your dreams in Asia!

Good luck,

Dave

[Jeff S]

Welcome silvertide and thanks for the introduction. My wife is my first and I spent my 20s and early 30s working on my career and investments rather than starter wives and families, so can relate to your story though mine has some major differences.

Deciding which culture fits with your lifestyle and wishes is always the first step in looking for an overseas bride. Spending some time experiencing the different cultures is always an eye opening experience. The nice thing about living where you do is that you have huge Asian communities you can dip your toe into the culture with right in your back yard. I'm sure you know all about Monterrey Park and Alhambra having Chinese relative(s). There's also Little Saigon in Orange County, and a big - though less localized Japanese community. The new hotel right next to the big Mitsuwa market in Torrance has Japanese singles mixers.

Anyway, I'm sure you'll do fine - way better in Asia than in LA, that's for sure. We're looking forward to your updates and contributions here.

- Jeff

[jm21-2]

way better in Asia than in LA, that's for sure.

I would like to emphasize that about 100 times.

In China you will not find as many 20-something year old virgins but you can meet some very nice girls who care much more about you being sincere, being kind, being able to hold an intelligent conversation, and being financially prepared for marriage/family than how much "game" you have.

I am in a similar situation to you, 27yo, believed in abstinence most of my life, didn't date much here in the states....don't stress the virgin part. If they recently started chatting with you they will give you some line like "all Chinese girls want to save the precious flower for their husband" which doesn't really mean anything. Once you find the right girl you will not care about it anyways.

[Capstone]

Hello Silvertide,

Welcome aboard. I am married to a Chinese woman and am very satisfied with my decision to do so. I think that you could do very well by pursuing a relationship with a Chinese woman and I also believe the fact that you are half Chinese would be an added advantage for you.

The fact that you are still living with your parents would not been seen as a negative for the majority of Chinese girls because most Chinese guys also live with their parents right up until just before getting married so that they can save as much money as possible - this is considered the normal thing to do. Now the fact that you want to remain living with your parents after marriage would probably present a problem for a lot of girls though. Many Chinese parents these days will insist that a guy already own his own home before giving their daughter permission to marry. This isn't always the case but from my personal experiences it is pretty common at least among urbanites. Newly married couples still living in the same home as their parents is probably more common in the rural areas of China but not so much in the cities. But to be honest with you, I think that you would find after getting married that you will no longer want to share the same home with your parents - believe me, you and more importantly your wife will want your privacy.

With that said I think that you could be successful in seeking out a Chinese girl for marriage. If you do decide to give it a try just know upfront that it will not be an inexpensive journey but it was worth every penny that I spent to me.  

[piglett]

Welcome to the board Silver.
I myself have chosen a lady from the Philippines .
Many of them speak very good English, so communication is easier for the two of us.
Maybe you should research more than 1 Asian culture & then decide which 1 suits you best??
If your really serious about a virgin bride Vietnam or the Philippines seem to have many avalible.
However this is not to say that other countries don't have any though.   


happy hunting
piglett 

[Ray]

Welcome aboard silver!

What part of LA do live in? I grew up mostly in Monterey Park and I have family nearby in Temple City and Arcadia. I’m in San Diego now.

I’ll tell you now that you will likely have problems finding a wife, from any country, who is willing to live with you under your parents’ roof on a long-term basis. A bride needs to have her own territory and feel in charge of her household, if not right after marriage, then soon thereafter. I see nothing wrong with your staying with your parents now IF you are using it as an opportunity to save up for your own place after marriage.

Finding a virgin in the Philippines is not that difficult.

Ray

[silvertide]

Thanks all for the prompt advice! Perhaps my views on marriage are a bit too old fashioned. Anyways, I'll consider what you've all said. Perhaps I should even start learning a third language in preparation for this.
This being the internet, I don't want to be too revealing about myself, but I live in Orange County. My family is far from being wealthy though.

I forgot to mention that I'm not religious. I hear that in the Philippines most of them are Catholic, correct? I'll have to think about that as well.

In my childhood, both of my parents had to work, so while they were working my grandmother took care of me at home. I think it worked out quite well. But if I do decide to move out, I was considering moving to Las Vegas once I save enough money since they don't have state income tax and here in CA it's crippling. I just hope that taxes in Nevada continue to stay low despite fewer people spending money on entertainment and gambling.

[Ray]

Yes, the Philippines is a Catholic country. Probably 85% call themselves Catholic and about 90% Christian and a small minority of Muslims mostly in the South.

From my experience, Filipina Catholic girls will mostly accept a non-Catholic for a spouse. Their first choice would probably be for a Catholic husband, any Christian second, believers in God next, and atheists last. Overall, they tend to be very tolerent of other belief systems. Many Catholic Filipinos will also have statues of Budha in their homes.

We have several members here living in Orange County and I have three daughters living in Surf City, very close to Jeff S.

There is also a significant Filipino community in Las Vegas.

Ray

[Dave H]

From my experience, Filipina Catholic girls will mostly accept a non-Catholic for a spouse. Their first choice would probably be for a Catholic husband, any Christian second, believers in God next, and atheists last. Overall, they tend to be very tolerent of other belief systems. Many Catholic Filipinos will also have statues of Budha in their homes.

Ray

Hey Ray,

That is very true in my wife's family and others I know. Their late father would have preferred his daughters to marry Catholic men. Out of the 4 who are married, none married Catholics. The husbands fit somewhere into one of the other 2 categories. There has never been a problem that I know of. However, the atheist is  laid-back and not the militant type.

Dave

[jm21-2]

I studied Japanese in high school and college but was no where near the conversational level when I visited Japan this last year. Unless you've really kept up on it with penpals or friends yours is probably shot too. No offense intended, it's just that language skills need to be kept up and most Japanese classes here teach a very formal and feminine way of speaking.

Exchanging language lessons is probably a very good way to meet girls and would be helpful in the long run. I have read stories that if you look Chinese but can't speak mandarin that some Chinese people will look down on you. Also bear in mind that she'll probably speak a local dialect with her family.

If you don't want your kids to go to church, you probably want to take a pass on the PI.

If you're dead set on a virgin who's not too religious (in the western sense of the word), Vietnam is probably a good choice.

I agree that it's a good idea to have your own place  by the time she gets here (probably a few years down the road). If you guys had kids and she was working I could see her appreciating having a retired parent or grandparent help out around the house. Otherwise probably not a good idea.

IMHO, the slight tax advantage of Nevada in no way compensates for the ungodly weather, but that's something you'll have to decide for yourself.

It can definitely be an expensive adventure. When I got back from Thailand I will probably be close to the $5,000 mark (not including the expensive of taking time off) with nothing to show but some good memories.

[Dave H]

If you don't want your kids to go to church, you probably want to take a pass on the PI.

My 6 year old daughter went to Catholic mass with her Filipina mother for the first time the other day. She was not forced to go. She asked her mother several times if she could go.

I know atheists whose kids became very religious on their own...they are a real disappointment to their parents!   They probably would have preferred a serial killer!

Dave

[bcc_1_2]

Man what a self deprecating post. After reading it all you seem like a nice guy... my concerns would be as follows... self-esteem and confidence.

Without experience (relating to) women and confidence issues I really wonder if time with a therapist could be the most important thing you should do before traveling abroad?

Hopefully when you decide to go overseas you'll feel confident approaching women and conversing with them.

Any reason why you've never grabbed some friends and gone out to a bar or club?
If you where my friend I'd get a few margaritas in you and hassle you all night until you spoke with some ladies.

I mean after reading your post this can't be all on AW... you come off as extremely shy which is something you will need to work on.

I'm not trying to hate... just trying to get you to think about being proactive (which you have already started doing in thinking about Chinese ladies).

[michaelb]

We have several members here living in Orange County and I have three daughters living in Surf City, very close to Jeff S.

Wait, you mean there really is a Surf City? It's not just in that song I posted in the other thread a few minutes ago? I've never seen it on any maps, but since you have it in italic type, maybe it's just the local slang name for some city where surfing is extremely popular? So, anyway, are the girls really two to one there? 

[jm21-2]

Man what a self deprecating post. After reading it all you seem like a nice guy... my concerns would be as follows... self-esteem and confidence.

Without experience (relating to) women and confidence issues I really wonder if time with a therapist could be the most important thing you should do before traveling abroad?

Hopefully when you decide to go overseas you'll feel confident approaching women and conversing with them.

Any reason why you've never grabbed some friends and gone out to a bar or club?
If you where my friend I'd get a few margaritas in you and hassle you all night until you spoke with some ladies.

I mean after reading your post this can't be all on AW... you come off as extremely shy which is something you will need to work on.

I'm not trying to hate... just trying to get you to think about being proactive (which you have already started doing in thinking about Chinese ladies).

I've been going on a few local dates recently (actually met one really great girl), am not shy or introverted, but I just have no desire to be as an aggressive of a pursuer as most girls here want. Consequently, it's usually the friend zone for me. This would be doubly true in LA. In China being friends first is pretty normal and romantic relationships progress more slowly. I don't know the OP's situation but he says he's asked out a few dozen women...that's a lot more than most guys I know.

[silvertide]

Thanks all for the frank advice. Even if it’s harsh criticism I need to hear it so feel free to say it.
It's true that I'm shyer than the average American. But, I've always believed that with enough hard work a person can accomplish anything.
I purposefully avoid going to clubs and most parties due to the kind of women they attract. I don't have anything against people who go to parties and get wasted, but I'd hate to be married to a girl who always focused on short term pleasures. I don't need to mention all the CDC reports on the prevalence of STDs among the local population of women. As I said, I'm more of a quiet and realistic person and I don't think I could find a girl who matches my personality at a place like that.
I've been going to a local community center on the weekends to teach English to immigrants here. Lots of interesting people, but the women are all mostly older than me and either married or have a boyfriend.
One thing that's still hard for me, and I'd imagine for the majority of guys, is doing cold approaches. I need to be in some kind of social setting where I put myself into contact with women. Perhaps its about time I took a dancing class or cooking class somewhere.
But then again, even if I were to get a girl here in California, would I even want her? One of the things that I've learned recently with my commodity trading is that the world is a global market. Shouldn't I be going for the best girl that I can get on the global marketplace rather than limit myself to just LA? No offense intended to anyone,but in the LA marketplace, with my market value I might be able to get an overweight, slightly neurotic, hair-cropped and debt ridden girl with an STD or two. But on the global market place, oh my... I can't wait to meet those cuties abroad.
もちろん、僕の日本語はまだ改善が必要だけど十分会話ができるので、日本人と付き合ってもぜんぜん大丈夫でしょう。三年間日本語しか勉強していないのにいつも一生懸命に勉強したから日本人と話すときはほとんどすらすらに喋られます。カジュアルの話し方や丁寧な話し方は両方ちゃんとできますよ。日本語の質問があったら是非無料で教えます。

[Capstone]

I purposefully avoid going to clubs and most parties due to the kind of women they attract. I don't have anything against people who go to parties and get wasted, but I'd hate to be married to a girl who always focused on short term pleasures.

IMHO, you are thinking right and have your head on straight because a bar/club is the last place that you want to meet a girl.

You didn't mention in your other posts if you have ever traveled to Asia - have you ever been to any Asian countries? Was one of your parents born in China or are they ABC? The reason I am asking these questions is to find out if perhaps you are already familiar with any Asian cultures. I think that it is important to find a culture that you are comfortable with and then go from there. Obviously you are somewhat comfortable with the Japanese language which is good and perhaps your own background may have already exposed you to Chinese culture.

[Jeff S]

Wait, you mean there really is a Surf City? It's not just in that song I posted in the other thread a few minutes ago? I've never seen it on any maps, but since you have it in italic type, maybe it's just the local slang name for some city where surfing is extremely popular? So, anyway, are the girls really two to one there? 

Yes there sure is: http://www.surfcityusa.com/

Jan and Dean were from here. Only one is left - I think Jan, and he still lives here.

No not 2 to 1 but in my yoga class it's about 5 to 1.

[Bob_S]

Silvertide,
If you are interested in Japanese girls, I may have one that would match you very well if you are open to the long-distance courtship thing (she's in Saitama-ken now).  PM me and we'll meet up (I work in Long Beach, live in Redondo Beach, not too far from you as long as you're not way down in San Clemente).
Bob

[bcc_1_2]

but I just have no desire to be as an aggressive of a pursuer as most girls here want. Consequently, it's usually the friend zone for me. This would be doubly true in LA.

In Latin America women will approach you to say hello and "practice english". Even if they don't approach you their eyes and expressions give them away. They wear their heart on their sleave. The difference is her signal will ring loud and clear (assuming she's sincere) and you'll know where you stand. Here its a bunch of [snip]ing mind games.

[jm21-2]

In Latin America women will approach you to say hello and "practice english". Even if they don't approach you their eyes and expressions give them away. They wear their heart on their sleave. The difference is her signal will ring loud and clear (assuming she's sincere) and you'll know where you stand. Here its a bunch of [snip]ing mind games.

Sorry, when I said LA I meant Los Angeles (where the OP is from), not Latin America. Having lived in Orange County I feel for the guy.

Definitely mind games. And with girls in their early 20's most educated girls do not care at all about their boyfriend's financial stability, if he'd make a good father, will he be a loyal husband, etc., that are valued more highly in Asian countries. Most Asian girls I've talked with don't expect to have much satisfaction in the sex/romance department so they concentrate on other things.

[silvertide]

Thanks for the offer Bob! I still haven't decided for sure which country I'd like my future wife to come from yet. I need to do a bit more research into each culture and their way of thinking.

[silvertide]

And yeah, I wish I had spent a year or two abroad right after I got out of college. Now that I'm stuck with my work, it's hard to take any time off. With my line of work it would be a bit unprofessional for me to spend any amount of time away on a long vacation.

[Bob_S]

I still haven't decided for sure which country I'd like my future wife to come from yet. I need to do a bit more research into each culture and their way of thinking.

You studied Japanese for 3 years and are conversationally fluent but not sure you want to be married to it?  Sounds like you may have had a bad experience with a J-girl in college?
Some things to consider:
When you marry a girl from a 3rd world country, or even a 2nd world country like mainland China, there is often a lot of pressure for you to financially support your wife's family back in the old country.  Ask the guys here married to Filipinas.  Their wives are often guilted into taking jobs so they can send money to support parents and siblings.  That takes time away from supporting you, and depending on how you feel about that, it can add extra stress to your marriage.  Some guys are okay with that, some are not.  But it is commonly expected as part of the package that comes with some Asian brides.
Conversely, when you marry a girl from a 1st world economy such as Japan, S. Korea, Taiwan, Hong Kong, or Singapore, there is no such pressure.  The family in the old country can afford to take care of themselves.  In fact, they will be expected to help support you and your children.  My wife has a Japanese friend here in the South Bay whose parents just fronted her and her American husband the money to buy a house in a nice neighborhood.  That kind of support allows your wife to devote herself to being a full-time mother and homemaker if she so chooses without guilt.  And while I don't know about Korean or Chinese wives (other guys here can better answer to that), J-wives typically do choose it, especially when they start making babies.  Working moms there only work because they have to, not because they have some desire for more money or personal fulfillment.

And yeah, I wish I had spent a year or two abroad right after I got out of college. Now that I'm stuck with my work, it's hard to take any time off. With my line of work it would be a bit unprofessional for me to spend any amount of time away on a long vacation.

Well, we wouldn't send you off to visit anyone right away.  I was just penpals with my future wife for a year before we met in person.  We were both going through other stuff in our lives, so it was nice to have a pen friend.  We exchanged looong e-mails once a week during that time, and occasional small gifts.  I wouldn't recommend you wait that long.  But the earliest I'd suggest you go to visit would be this coming Golden Week even if you hit it off right away with any J-girl penpal.  They work too, and won't have vacation time to spend with you if you came for a longer visit.

BTW, Valentine's Day is coming up, and much of East Asia is aware of it.  So if you want to meet and impress a girl, strike while the iron is hot! 

[Capstone]

Conversely, when you marry a girl from a 1st world economy such as Japan, S. Korea, Taiwan, Hong Kong, or Singapore, there is no such pressure.  The family in the old country can afford to take care of themselves. 

Well yes and no as far as Hong Kong, and Taiwan goes. Though it is true that these are first world nations with fairly good economies, adult children in those countries still adhere to sending money to their parents not as an economic necessity but as a matter of showing respect. It is a Chinese thing - when you become an adult you are still expected to show respect to your parents by giving them money as a token of your appreciation for raising you. Granted it is not for support and in more cases than not, not needed by the parents but is an expected tradition to follow. In my case, my wife's parents are very well off by Chinese standards and don't need any financial support from us at all but my wife still feels obligated to give them money once a year to show her respect, which I have absolutely no problem with. My wife and I are friends with a couple from Hong Kong and they both send money back to their parents several times a year as well so as to not lose 'Face'.