What are Colombian women's fears about US men?

[jvoorhees]

Ok.  The biggest fear of US men looking for a Colombian bride seems to be the "scammer".  The women who is a gold digger or just looking for a green card and fools you into thinking that she loves you when she really doesnt.
 
So, I am wondering what is the other side of the coin?  What do Colombian women fear about meeting US men?  What are their common apprehenions when begining a journey into Internation dating?
 

[mudd]

this wouldn't be limited to just Colombian women, but women from any foreign country,  Russia, Ukraine, Peru, Philippines etc


mostly what i have heard is


is  he who he says he is, or is it a big white lie
will he change when i get there ( some guys put of a facade  when dating a girl, them when the girl gets there, they are different than what the girls knows)
criminal history they don't know about
family, friends, how will they treat me.
lifestyle and money and standard of living


just some things i have heard over the years from women.

[InnocentVixen]

Only a colombiana can answer those questions... too bad there is none in this forum, I am sure the married guys can ask their wives, the rest of us will take a guess.


So here is my guess, as a woman that dates men outside her country and has ended up in some funny, uncomfortable and borderline dangerous situations:


When dating:
1- He just wants to have fun / is married / has someone back home.
2- His idea of fun is showing me off.
3- What if he turns into a psycho when he is not on vacation mode?


When in a relationship:
1- That he is real.
2- I hope there will be no drama with his ex/family/friends because of me.
3- That once married he will change his mind and I will have to go back home in shame.

[beginthebeguin]

I_V gave as a reason

That once married he will change his mind and I will have to go back home in shame.

I had never thought of that from the woman's point of view. All the more reason for keeping your novia in her home country and the man moving there. She is more often than not taking a much bigger risk by marrying we poor slobs anyway. But we all can't be Andy Lee.
Sorry Andy, I just can't help myself. jajajajaja

[InnocentVixen]

Actually it doesn't matter the country, what I meant to say is it will be hard for the girl to look at her family straight in the eye and have to explain... most of us girls live at home until marriage, our parents home that is... so guess where we go back when recently divorced while we figure out what to do? even if we didn't I would guess most girls would get questioned about what happened and it is looked as failure on our part when a man cheats, so you can imagine how it is when it's actually a divorce.

[mudd]

3- That once married he will change his mind and I will have to go back home in shame.

ahh yep, that's a good one, forgot that one.  that's a big concern. guy get the girl up here, only after two months turn into a big controlling jerk with major issues and decided that hes done with the " test drive" and the poor girl either has to stay and be illegal or go home in shame and thats even before they get married.

[Gato4Astrid]

What do women fear?  Many reasons...


one reason:  Moving to be with you - in a country - unknown to her - no friends, no family, no-one to speak Spanish

[whitey]

1) That she is just being used for vacation sex

2) That he has a drug or alcohol addiction

3) That she will be locked up in the house when she gets to his country, and either used or sold as a sex slave (this is a very common rumour)

4) That he is physically abusive

[mudd]

1) That she is just being used for vacation sex

2) That he has a drug or alcohol addiction

3) That she will be locked up in the house when she gets to his country, and either used or sold as a sex slave (this is a very common rumour)

4) That he is physically abusive

hopefully the IMBRA law will take care of most of it

[Calipro]

Only a colombiana can answer those questions... too bad there is none in this forum, I am sure the married guys can ask their wives, the rest of us will take a guess.


So here is my guess, as a woman that dates men outside her country and has ended up in some funny, uncomfortable and borderline dangerous situations:


When dating:
1- He just wants to have fun / is married / has someone back home.
2- His idea of fun is showing me off.
3- What if he turns into a psycho when he is not on vacation mode?


When in a relationship:
1- That he is real.
2- I hope there will be no drama with his ex/family/friends because of me.
3- That once married he will change his mind and I will have to go back home in shame.

These are the fears of Colombianas that out of desperation agreed to marry a guy she hardly knows....two weeks of face time and then a lot of translated conversations on MSN. jajaja
The time spent dating in some of these long distance relationships is so short that the people involved simply have to end up asking as best they can just who the other person really is and hope  each other tell the truth. jajaja

[mudd]

These are the fears of Colombianas that out of desperation agreed to marry a guy she hardly knows....two weeks of face time and then a lot of translated conversations on MSN. jajaja
The time spent dating in some of these long distance relationships is so short that the people involved simply have to end up asking as best they can just who the other person really is and hope  each other tell the truth. jajaja

so so true, even some guys on this board are guilty of this, me included about 9 years ago, but i learned the hard way. a few trips and MSN and phone calls during  the courtship period isn't enough to really know somebody. hell, would you marry some girl in the US, say she lived in   new york  and you in LA, and only met on a few week trips together? i highly doubt it, but still, men going down south are willing to take a Hugh gamble and marry somebody they barely know.

[InnocentVixen]

These are the fears of Colombianas that out of desperation agreed to marry a guy she hardly knows....two weeks of face time and then a lot of translated conversations on MSN. jajaja
The time spent dating in some of these long distance relationships is so short that the people involved simply have to end up asking as best they can just who the other person really is and hope  each other tell the truth. jajaja

Then I guess I am a desperate colombiana with no english skills 

[Colgando]

Then I guess I am a desperate colombiana with no english skills 

IV, no dices esto, these are the perspectives of a couple of anonymous men on a public forum, everyone approaches relationships from a different perspective, everyone has different ideas on what are the keys to a successful marriage and only the 2 people involved in a relationship no what the real, raw deal is.


They do make a good point about knowing a person and not marrying a stranger however, you can know a person, marry him or her, and it still not work out. So what are the keys to a successful relationship?? I am sure the answers vary as people vary in character and spiritual formation, as people vary with life experiences and perspectives.

[InnocentVixen]

I know that colgando, I think that way as well.


I just found it funny how calipro picked the post of the mexicana where the rest of them where specifically talking about colombianas! haha, I guess it doesn't matter where you are from, the level of english you speak or how much you get to see the guy face to face, the basic fears are pretty much the same, lack of resources like money, language skills and time will only make this fears stronger for the girl, because she would be taking a bigger risk after all.

[Colgando]

I know that colgando, I think that way as well.


I just found it funny how calipro picked the post of the mexicana where the rest of them where specifically talking about colombianas! haha, I guess it doesn't matter where you are from, the level of english you speak or how much you get to see the guy face to face, the basic fears are pretty much the same, lack of resources like money, language skills and time will only make this fears stronger for the girl, because she would be taking a bigger risk after all.

Cool 

[robert angel]

A lot of people can 'rationalize' almost any decision, if they want to badly enough. There are plenty of guys who won't admit it, but  they are guys who probably think that 'taking a chance' and gambling on marrying that one woman from another country, with whom they've spent maybe only two or three weeks of 'face time' with, that she still offers them equal or better chances of success and happiness than using traditional methods with women 'back home' would offer.
 
If the odds of a marriage lasting five years are really only 50-50 in the USA (often said, but who really knows?) maybe they're not too far off the mark in their skewed thinking.

 
I have no concrete data, but my hunch is that more than 50% of marriages in the USA do last five or more years, but  that the 50-50 chance of making the 'ten year mark' is probably more accurate
And there are plenty of women who do their own 'rationalizing' and  will marry these guys, perhaps thinking their chances for happiness are  at least as good, if not better, than with the guys 'back home'.
 

I have seen a lot of women become very jaded and wary of guys who promised to come visit them and never did, or came, had sex and perhaps even promised to marry them, and never followed through. Some saw the guys off to the airport and with tearful goodbyes, were left with promises of fiance visa paperwork that never got done.

 
I took an awfully long time to get my USCIS paperwork done and even my wife eventually gave me an ultimatum, which given the time frame was only fair. Until the time started dragging, my wife really didn't have any worries or 'fears'--the one fear that was related to me was from her father, who speaking for the entire family, simply said, with tears in his eyes: "If she's not happy, please send her home'.
 
Most women abroad are aware of course that there are guys who will promise them the moon and stars, visit and  'tour them' to resorts and such and after having had sex, will dump them and move onto the next town and the next 'conquest', cherry picking their way around shangra la, as they leave broken hearts and loss of self esteem in their wake.

Only the most naive and isolated girls--ladies who perhaps haven't been in internet cafes or otherwise on-line for very long and  are not aware of such behavior, and as such, aren't 'wise' about all the game playing and deceit that goes on, so it really doesn't surprise me that a lot of women, EVEN after they're engaged, continue to keep communication open to some degree with the 'also rans'--guys they would've married, who you might classify as choices numbers 2, 3.4 etc. And guys are at least as likely to do the same thing as well.
 
The internet makes all this sooo easy and a lot of people in reality view each other as 'disposable'. They are 'players' who often end up geting played themselves, eventually.
Just like there's always a better mousetrap, there's always gonna be a faster pussycat....

[fathertime]

I think the ladies are concerned about how the man/fiance/husband REALLY is.   In many cases the ladies will not have that much face time and are somewhat willing to roll the dice if the man appears to be decent enough.   Some ladies don’t have as good a judgement as others, and wind up getting hurt/ ditto with the men.  I guess it is one of the tough things about international dating.  It really is a lot tougher for the faint of heart. 


Off subject here a bit, but there was a poster here many years ago.  After making nearly 1000 posts here, he went to Cali Colombia one time and I THINK he sorta realized that he wasn’t cut out for marrying an international lady.  He was one of the few that was not blinded by the beauty of the ladies and had the knowledge of self to let the dream go.         


Fathertime!

[bcc_1_2]

Well their biggest fear is... that I'm too good looking (somebody on here will get that )

But yea being used just for vacation sex was a good answer (especially if we are talking about a country that is popular with that). Also when things do get serious they worry about the guy's family... how they will get along and if they will be accepted or given a hard time.

[Researcher]

      The biggest fear I ran across was that the guy would change and  be abusive or overly possessive. I think while we hear horror stories of guys who have been used for a green card and money they hear horror stories of how the guy was nice in the beginning but quickly changed when the woman arrived in his country.This is on reason I spent as much facetime with my wife as I could.When it's near time to leave their country with a visa I think these fears and horror stories can be overwhelming when a woman realizes that she doesn't really know the guy.

     Researcher

[Colgando]

Well their biggest fear is... that I'm too good looking (somebody on here will get that )

I get it, my novia's biggest fear at this point is that I will have eyes for another woman one day!

[V_Man]

I tried to think of what a woman's biggest fears of a international man might be before she met him. Then I addressed these things in a first letter that I sent out to them. I got a few comments back pointing out that this is a little odd. So I dropped that approach and was just myself. They pick up what sort of guy I am pretty quickly. In fact the more I behaved like my normal everyday self the more successful I have been. YMMV. I invite them to ask me questions and hope that they will raise any fears in these opportunities. It seems to work so far.