Introduction

[pinay-pie]

Hi everyone. I am Violeta, a Filipina (from Cebu) married to an American, now living in the US. I've read every single post in this thread. There is no right or wrong view actually. Everyone is entitled to his or her opinion.

It took me some time to finally decide to share my own views and experience because I'm afraid some of you might feel slighted.

Note that I haven't tried having relationships with Filipino men. Its not by choice, maybe I was just so preoccupied and focused with my dream of helping my family someday - sending my siblings to school and building a descent house.  I always wanted to go abroad so that I can help my family whatever it takes. And that includes hooking up with foreign men online.

John, my bf of 11 years, is a black American. I met him during my college days, when I was still a working student - self-supporting. He has helped me a lot financially through the years. Even after I got a job as a librarian in one of the universities here in Cebu, John was still regularly sending me money. I also had his credit card extension on top of the Php 15K monthly allowance for my utility bills.  I learned to love him through the years and got very close to her mother as we always talk on the phone. John regularly visits me in Cebu twice a year and stays in a 5 star hotel everytime. But the thing is, he never mentioned about marriage - the whole time that we've been together- although he is very much single. I was so in love with him but unfortunately he can't offer me anything until I finally decided to end the relationship.

After a few months I met Martin, a white American through Yahoo chatroom. It was a whirlwind romance because after a month of communicating he came here in the Phil to propose. Well I can't say it was love. Remember that I just came from a serious and long relationship with John, and I was a little desperate to get married to a foreigner that time. The opportunity that Martin presented was too good to pass up. I might not even get another opportunity like that one.

Fast forward, I'm now living in LA and just gave birth to our first child last month. And the funny thing is, I think I'm finally falling in love with my husband. Looking back, if I had my way, I would have wanted to be with John- my first true love. Like a typical/old fashioned Filipina, I wanted to marry the man whom I've given myself and all. But it was Martin who presented the best offer. You may argue and say that I didn't choose the good opportunity over love because one came after the other.But I was so sure of one thing then, that I should use my mind more than my heart.

I used to have this in mind, that if I will marry a foreigner I won't settle for less. I'll make sure its all worth the trouble of having to relocate from the Philippines and be away from my family. In finding a partner for life, it is but just practical to take a look at the economic considerations. Love will always be learned.


Violy

[AsphaltVoyager]

  Violeta, it is a shame that you could not have found love with Martin prior to having a baby with him, but at least you have grown to find love with him in your heart.

I don't doubt that some here will condemn you, but I will not.

I once asked my father if he was happy. This was only a couple of years ago. He said that happiness is all relative and that each of us must find our own way to happiness and do whatever we need to in order to BE happy. Of course, in seeking happiness, we can't ignore that there are others in our lives who are going to be affected by our choices.

As long as both you and Martin are happy and you are able to raise your children to be happy and successful in life, then that is the bottom line.

Congratulations on the new arrival.

[Jeff S]

Hi Pinay-pie and welcome. I'm very happy to hear your story. I agree true love comes not from that feeling of pitter-pat when you meet someone, but over the long haul through commitment. I've posted several times in the past that love is not something you find or fall into, it's something you do, over and over, and eventually you feel. It's nice to have both, but given a choice, the long haul kind is far preferred. In countries where arranged marriages have been very common in the past, like Japan, arranged couples mostly end up loving each other. In fact in Japan now there's a trend of returning to the marriage arrangement. Of my three nieces and nephews in Japan, only one is in a love marriage, the other two in arranged ones. All three are doing well and are happy.

Hope you stick around and join our group. Your contribution is appreciated.

- Jeff

Oh and congrats on the baby!

[Ray]

Hi Violy,

Welcome to the forum!

Thank you for sharing your insight and experiences. It's really valuable and enlightening to hear a Filipina's point of view on this stuff, without all of the arrogant, elitist lecturing that we got from savvy33. We would have been much more receptive to her opinions if only she had followed your example in introducing herself.

I look forward to your participation here...

Thank you,

Ray

[Jeff S]

Violy:
I had a couple more thoughts about your post that I thought may be of interest. Marriage rates of African Americans in general have been falling rapidly for over 40 years. It is becoming almost cultural norm. "Marriage is for white people":

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/03/25/AR2006032500029.html

Obviously we have a number of members here who don't fall into that group, but it follows that many blacks elect not to create a nuclear family in the traditional sense. It has been falling among the other ethnicities as well but not nearly as fast.

Another thing to think about, is that your decision is probably not uncommon among women. I'd say a goodly percentage took the best deal they could when they could, for fear that a better deal might never come along. Cinderella was a fairy tale, not real life, so I hope you don't think you took a flyer and just managed get lucky. You sound like you made a decision based on the best information you had at the time, and then followed through. It's no stroke of luck that it's working out, but rather effort on booth of your parts.

[piglett]

Welcome to the board Pinay-Pie



piglett

[z_k_g]

As long as both you and Martin are happy and you are able to raise your children to be happy and successful in life, then that is the bottom line.

Agreed. 

You found a man that will respect and complete you; love can be overrated if you are lacking happiness and success.

Zulu

[z_k_g]

Hi Violy,

Welcome to the forum!

Thank you for sharing your insight and experiences. It's really valuable and enlightening to hear a Filipina's point of view on this stuff, without all of the arrogant, elitist lecturing that we got from savvy33. We would have been much more receptive to her opinions if only she had followed your example in introducing herself.

I look forward to your participation here...

Thank you,

Ray

Well Said Ray,

Violy, I welcome you also!

Looking forward to your contributions and viewpoint.

Zulu

[pinay-pie]

Thanks! 

[Dave H]

Hi Violy,

Welcome to P-L! You seem familiar!   

Dave

[pinay-pie]

Hi Violy,

Welcome to P-L! You seem familiar!   

Dave

What do you mean by that?

[Ray]

Uh, I believe Dave is saying that your avatar picture looks familiar, as in some famous actress perhaps?

 

[Gato4Astrid]

Uh, I believe Dave is saying that your avatar picture looks familiar, as in some famous actress perhaps?

 

Maybe I am wrong, but I think it is Denise Richards, the actress

[InnocentVixen]

Welcome Violy, it is always nice to see more women posting here, even more so one who can give such valuable insight!! congratulations on your little one and your new found love for your husband... or maybe you just discovered it? whatever the case might be, I am happy for you.

It reminded me of a movie I watched some time ago, called "The New World" (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0402399/) it is a slow yet beautiful movie about a native woman that finds her "first love" and while he is a good man and he did love her, it doesn't work out, then she finds someone else, a wonderful man who respects her, is kind and loves her deeply, it is only after she marries him and has his child that she finds the peace in her heart and realize she has true love now.

I must admit I cried with this movie, then again I am a romantic and had just ended the relationship with my own first love, so the hope of finding something greater than that inspired me to start my search online.

[Ray]

How's your search going IV?

Any luck?

Ray

[Dave H]

Uh, I believe Dave is saying that your avatar picture looks familiar, as in some famous actress perhaps?

 

Right Ray! 

Denise Richards (Thanks Gato4Astrid)

Dave

[z_k_g]

I must admit I cried with this movie, then again I am a romantic and had just ended the relationship with my own first love, so the hope of finding something greater than that inspired me to start my search online.

Outstanding!   

Zulu

[z_k_g]

Right Ray!  

Denise Richards (Thanks Gato4Astrid)

Dave

I think the pic is of Denise Richards!  I found this on the net!

[Dave H]

I also had his credit card extension on top of the Php 15K monthly allowance for my utility bills.  

Violy

Darn Violy,

What were you doing, running a small factory out of your home..or just Bull Sh-iting John?

Dave

[piglett]

Darn Violy,

What were you doing, running a small factory out of your home..or just Bull Sh-iting John?

Dave

he he he your bad Dave  

but U do make a good point
my wife lives in Manila& is now renting a room from her cousin (not sharing an apartment with the sister who doesn't like to pay her bills on time) I am only sending p5000 plus review class exspenses . I think p15,000 is a bit on the high side, but hey it's not my money

piglett    

[Dave H]

he he he your bad Dave  

but U do make a good point
my wife lives in Manila& is now renting a room from her cousin (not sharing an apartment with the sister who doesn't like to pay her bills on time) I am only sending p5000 plus review class exspenses . I think p15,000 is a bit on the high side, but hey it's not my money

piglett    

Hey pig,

We have 5 regular household members (often have more), have two aircons, electric, fans, security lights at night, use a washing machine almost daily, electric appliances, and have some of the highest rates per kilowatt hour in the Philippines. Our bill doubled over the past year due to increased fuel costs, our supplier having to buy electricity from a private company, and sabotaged power plants and transmission lines, but have not had an electric bill over P7,000 (usually 6,000 or less). Water is around P500, Telephone and Internet P1,300, cable TV P295.

P15,000 ($325) in the Philippines for utilities...must be paying P60,000 - P150,000 in the US.  
Or some of the neighbors were tapping into the power line and billing her meter!

Dave

[InnocentVixen]

How's your search going IV?

Any luck?

Ray

Just starting out to see what is out there again, taking things slowly and focusing on my new job, but if you know someone don't hesitate to send him my way 

[piglett]

Just starting out to see what is out there again, taking things slowly and focusing on my new job, but if you know someone don't hesitate to send him my way 

I think good men are hard to find IV
my wife keeps asking me to find a good guy for her best friend Alma.
so far i have not come up with 1 guy who measures up to my standards
but i do intend to keep looking, & i think you should too.


piglett

[Dave H]

but if you know someone don't hesitate to send him my way 

Hey InnocentVixen,

I will keep a lookout too! 

Dave

[GeovanniCoolGuy]

So, you left the man you loved for another guy who provided better opportunities? No wonder people are wary of getting Asian brides.

No offence.