Family Size

[thekfc]

I am just inquiring about the family size of your wife or fiance and what impact (if any) it had/have on your relationship.

There is a total of 28 (sisters/brothers/nieces/nephews) in my lady's family.

Her mom (68) is still alive but her father passed away when she was a baby.

4 sisters - all are married - 3 of them have children.
Oldest sis (48 yrs) have 4 Kids & 4 grandkids
Next sister Carol(43) have 3 kids - I speak to her all the time, she is my "lawyer". Carol owns a cafe - this is where my #1 works.
Next sister (39) have no kids, she live/work in Singapore, she want to meet & talk to me.
Her youngest sister (37) also have 3 kids

2 brothers - 1 is married.
Oldest brother (45) have 6 kids.
Youngest brother (30) is single & have no kids.

She have 10 nephews & 6 nieces.
One of the niece is having a birthday next week & she put my name on the program as a special guest (via online).
I do get to speak to most of the kids - either when I chat with my lady or sometimes they contact me before my lady comes online & then they turn the chatting over to her.
 
All her sisters & brothers are working as well as her 2 oldest nephews.
Also 4 nephews & 2 nieces are in college.

Her mom owns 2 farms & the oldest brother manages it.

Most of her family are in the Luzon area.

[Capstone]

In my wife's case, she was born 2 years before the implementation of the one child policy in China which started in 1979. She was the last of 3 children born to her parents who would have liked to of had at least 1 or 2 more kids but were not allowed. Both of my wife's brothers have one son each and are not permitted to have any more children - so my wife actually has a pretty small family compared to many other's girlfriends, finances, wifes on this forum. In short, my wife's family size had absolutely no impact on our relationship other than it was very easy for me to meet and become acquainted with all of them very quickly.   

[robert angel]

My wife's from the Philippines and is the second oldest of seven kids--and is the oldest daughter in the family--which carries special responsibilities. While the situation is obviously different in China due to the govt., I found out the hard way that marrying an orphan  (and I suppose to a lesser extent an only child) can present issues.

I would be hesitant if I had to do it all over again, to get involved with a woman who was not raised with at least 2 or 3 siblings and extended family. Why> ? I just think that they have by necessity, grown up and had to deal with and resolve conflicts with family members and are usually better rounded people for it. I think it effects their personalities and how they will get along later with their husbands. Sure there are insanely dysfunctional families everywhere, I'd just rather take my chances with a gal from a medium to large family and would recommend any suitor to spend the time to get to know that family and their dynamics.

You can also get a general idea about a person by spending time around her best friends. Family or friends, you can sometimes get a picture of the situation by chatting for a long time--then when you meet, you see how the whole picture adds up.

When your wife comes from a big family, issues, emergencies and needs can arise as time goes by and with this in mind, my wife and I discussed just about everything--kids, money, sex, drugs, rock n roll, etc (ha ha) and while I knew she'd want to help her family out, I made it clear that I would not be supporting them on any regular basis. I was clear that she could send a percentage of her earnings home. I still do help out, in fact I enjoy looking for things to send that I know they'll enjoy and really find useful--some luxuries and some pretty basic things as well.

I have heard of some guys who told their wives that they were in a new country and that as such, sending money home to the old country was forbidden. In some cases, ties were cut off all together. I think that's a recipe that's bound to back fire and bite the guy. Like most things, you need to have some balance, compassion and forethought.

With that in mind, I just remembered I washed the dog, left him in the clothes dryer on high heat in the durable cycle--paalam...

[Ray]

The size of the family is not that important. How they interact is.

My wife is in the middle of 7 children and the family is very tight and traditional. All have a college education. Her closest niece and nephew recently graduated and one is working as an engineer while the other is a doctor. She helps another niece with nursing school expenses and she will graduate with honors in a few months.

In my first wife’s family, there was way too much bickering and BS going on all the time.

I think the fact that all of your girl’s siblings are employed is a big factor in your favor.

Ray

[Ray]

I have heard of some guys who told their wives that they were in a new country and that as such, sending money home to the old country was forbidden. In some cases, ties were cut off all together. I think that's a recipe that's bound to back fire and bite the guy. Like most things, you need to have some balance, compassion and forethought.

That’s an important point Robert.

Not everyone sends money home to the family, but it should at least be accepted that it is going to happen from time to time in most families. If you forbid it, she is likely to do it behind your back anyway.

Anyone who cannot accept this part of the culture I feel is better off not marrying a Pinay.

Paalam na po...

Ray

[thekfc]

Thanks guys.
I too think that the interaction between them is very important. As far as I can tell, (5 months+ chatting) I haven't seen any discontent or bickering between them. My lady is the youngest of 7 children and as far as I can tell her sister are more protective of her than her brothers. All 7 are college educated & employed - so I will not be taking away the primary bread earner.

Today, I chatted with her sister from Singapore and it was a very good chat.

Now I am more & more leaning towards splitting my trip between HK & The Philippines in January/February.

[thekfc]

I have heard of some guys who told their wives that they were in a new country and that as such, sending money home to the old country was forbidden.

For me it would be quite the opposite, I would be the one encouraging her to send money back home.

[Capstone]

Not everyone sends money home to the family, but it should at least be accepted that it is going to happen from time to time in most families. If you forbid it, she is likely to do it behind your back anyway.

Anyone who cannot accept this part of the culture I feel is better off not marrying a Pinay.

I would give the same advice to anyone who might consider marrying a Chinese - if you aren't comfortable with sending money back to the family from time to time then don't marry a Chinese. Of course you can discuss the amount which will be sent back and make a determination together based upon what you are able and comfortable with to send to the parents but make no mistake about it, trying to forbid this will only lead to a disaster IMHO.

[jm21-2]

...As far as I can tell, (5 months+ chatting) ...

Now I am more & more leaning towards splitting my trip between HK & The Philippines in January/February.

You've been chatting with a girl you like for 5 months and are debating whether to go meet her when you'll already be close to her anyways? Just go! You are building higher and higher expectations on both sides that may end up not being fulfilled. I don't think I would ever talk for a girl that long before visiting again. I am just starting to chat with some foreign girls again and I would (a) if I had chatted with a girl for a month or so and thought I liked the girl, pick some dates and start freeing up time about a month or two down the road, (b) if things are still going well within 3 weeks of planned dates, buy the ticket. Going through this process once made me really realize that chatting for months before even deciding to visit can actually be more hurtful than helpful.

Sorry, don't mean to sound harsh or anything, but I'm a little surprised you're debating whether to visit or not.

[bcc_1_2]

If she's been chatting with you for 5 months it is pretty safe to say she probably has a lot more invested in you than you may realize. If you aren't going to meet her you need to tell her ASAP.

I am far from an expert on how most guys use the internet to meet women overseas, but I would suspect if you aren't serious after a couple weeks of chatting (of going to meet her... being my definition of serious) then you need to be honest with her about it so she can move on.

I would think it would be easier with the latinas though... less expectations on both sides than for those flying across the Pacific.

[thekfc]

You've been chatting with a girl you like for 5 months and are debating whether to go meet her when you'll already be close to her anyways? Just go! You are building higher and higher expectations on both sides that may end up not being fulfilled. I don't think I would ever talk for a girl that long before visiting again. I am just starting to chat with some foreign girls again and I would (a) if I had chatted with a girl for a month or so and thought I liked the girl, pick some dates and start freeing up time about a month or two down the road, (b) if things are still going well within 3 weeks of planned dates, buy the ticket. Going through this process once made me really realize that chatting for months before even deciding to visit can actually be more hurtful than helpful.

Sorry, don't mean to sound harsh or anything, but I'm a little surprised you're debating whether to visit or not.

I am not debating whether to go or not - I am going to The Philippines & my originally plan was to go to the Philippines for Easter 2010 (April) - that was whether I have a lady or not. 

I already have a trip plan for Hong Kong for January 2010.
I am one of the people who planned that trip & I cannot just back out of it. My employer only approved 1 1/2 week off for me in January because that was all I ask for & needed at the time (that was over 8 months ago).

Now we have a different management staff - a complete overhaul. I am trying to see what extra time I can get to extend my January trip. I wanted the 1st & 2nd week of February because all her family members will be there but the 2nd week of February is suppose to be a vacation blackout for my company.  So I am cutting it close trying to get that week off. I am trying to see if I can get the week(s)  before or after my original request off - paid or unpaid. I have put in both request - I am waiting to see which one they will approve.

I am 99.9% leaning to towards splitting my time between HK & Phil WITHOUT the extra time off but for me, 4/5 days in Phil is not enough. I have already told everyone going to the HK trip that I will NOT be spending the entire 9 days in HK with them.

As you can see in my posts in Capstone thread on air fares - I have been pricing air fares.  And now, I have a pretty good idea on what to expect/choose. I just have to wait on my additional vacation/time off before buying the tickets.

My next topic would very likely be advice on accommodation in the Metro Manila area. That is where my lady is (Taguig City).

This is a one person trip, I do not plan on seeing any other lady during my visit - my back-up plan is to enjoy the place.

[thekfc]

If she's been chatting with you for 5 months it is pretty safe to say she probably has a lot more invested in you than you may realize. If you aren't going to meet her you need to tell her ASAP.

She want me to come visit her next summer.

[jm21-2]

When she says she wants you to come visit her next summer, I would highly suspect what she means is "I want you to visit now, but if you have to wait until next summer, I can deal with that, but you better be serious when you get here."

I guess it was just your wording that threw me off. You can't apologize to your friends you were going to meet in HK?

[thekfc]

When she says she wants you to come visit her next summer, I would highly suspect what she means is "I want you to visit now, but if you have to wait until next summer, I can deal with that, but you better be serious when you get here."

I guess it was just your wording that threw me off. You can't apologize to your friends you were going to meet in HK?

yep, my wording may have threw you off and there were a few things that I didn't say or explain.

She wanted me to come in the summer because they are planning something big for their mother's birthday & she wanted me to meet the entire family. I think that may be the reason or so I was told. Her sister she work for/with even ask me if I can make it next summer.

Now, her sister in Singapore is coming back to Phil in late January / early February and that coincide with my trip to HK so I want to grab at the opportunity to do both.

My trip to HK will be short - I do plan on going there and then head to the Philippines. Most of the flight that I am interested in : HK is a stop over/connecting point, so why not stop in HK, stay a day or two/three (to show my face) and fly out to Phil.  That is why I was hoping that Cathay All Asia Pass would be available.

I am waiting to see how much more time off I can get from my employer before making any final plans.

[Bear]

thekfc,

I've not had much time to post lately but when I see threads about sending money home I must say HUMONGOUS warning.  I've seen truly well intentioned people LOSE EVERYTHING.  I seen awesome ladies become slaves.  I've seen guys have their heart rip out in a very prejudice manner without any thought of compassion.  There's a  good chance that if you are discussing money you are in trouble.

All I did was tell my father-in-law I was going to send his daughter p10,000/month ($200) and he quit his job thinking he was rich.  The whole neighborhood started ripping my wife off and she was bullied and made an outcast because I/she refused to give our money to them simply because she was married to an American. Stores ripped her off and friends abandoned her and she was treated as an outcast and cruelly.  Another girl who used to post here on PL ended up in divorce after having to declare bankruptcy because of threats from family to her mother if she didn't send money.  Marry for love and then work it out afterwards.  My wife won't let me send money because she will not allow her family to use us.  Still we helped two siblings go to college and send money each month to pay for their new home (being split by us and her brothers).  We help modestly as needed but when its expected,NADA.

The Bear Family

[thekfc]

Bear.

I got your point and always appreciate as I learn something everytime, let me rephrase my post or better explain it.
Bob posted that he have heard of some guys who told their wives that they were in a new country and that as such, sending money home to the old country was forbidden.
My intended replay was I would be quite the opposite - I would not forbid my wife from sending money back home. I would let her send money if it is needed (medical, schooling, emergencies, etc).

And my main lady as far I can tell do not fall in the category of her family needing money. All her siblings work, 2 of her sisters own their own business and also her mom owns 2 farms.......but you never know.

I am not actually discussing money & the discussion never came up between me and my lady, her sisters, brothers, nephew or nieces. They all wanted to know if I am employed, single, kids, where do I live, etc.

[thekfc]

There was no money talk.

[robert angel]

When I asked my wife to marry me, she had left a very good job to spend considerable time with me, after literally waiting years, chatting using her own very limited money. At that point, I sent her money to support her while the fiancee visa process droned on. We had discussed what would be appropriate for her to send home once she was here in the states and it is quite reasonable. I am glad we discussed this and many other things beforehand.

"Loaning' money to relatives by marriage (heck--to relatives anywhere and from whatever side of the family) is a BAD idea in my opinion. Some may beg to differ, but I have found that loaning money to Filipinos, no matter what they say, is a losing proposition. Many there will see it as a more like gift and even if you lay out terms of repayment, repayment may be slow or likely non existent.

You start paying --sending money to family over there on a regular basis or when there's a crisis, and you'll be amazed how many crisis's always seem to be coming up. You can easily create a learned helplessness--dependancy that's hard or impossible to break without a lot of bad blood...

I haven't had any horrific problems of this nature, but I have seen it happen to others time after time. I've seen it happen among USA families and the cultural and economic differences between the USA and PI exacerbate the scenario. Lending money and/or giving the appearance of having deep pockets just lends itself to bad experiences, ruined friendships and strained families

[Dave H]

My lady is the youngest of 7 children and as far as I can tell her sister are more protective of her than her brothers.

Hey thekfc,

That is true with my wife also. My wife has a "kuya" (older brother) who was first born. She also has an "ate" (oldest sister). She was born third. Her ate was much more concerned and protective when I first met my wife.

Dave

[piglett]

Hay Dave

if i got a purple thong like yours do you think i mite be as big of a hit with the ladies as you?
I have heard that they all digg it



piglett