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Offline JWR

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The pitfalls of chat.
« on: October 27, 2011, 06:33:00 AM »
So I've been chatting with this girl in Mindanao Phils since mid Aug.  I narrowed it down and she is the only girl that I chat with.  (Met on Cherry Blossoms) We cam chat every other day for a couple hours.  She works part time for an aid org. and makes very little money.  I have paid for her internet. Maybe a bad idea, but I was the one who offered.
 
She seems like a very sweet girl and I've seen alot of photos of her out in the provinces working with poor kids, setting up medical aid clinics, etc.  So I think she has a good heart.
 
She has fallen in love and is very serious.  Wants to have a future with me etc. etc.  She's sure I'm the one for her..... Of course we have never even met.  It's hard to imagine how serious these girls get by chat and cam.  Honestly I shudder to think having to end the relationship if I don't like her after we actually meet in person.  She has our entire life planned out.  Also I will add that she wants me to come to the Phils to live, and always tells me what a great life we will have there, and how much cheaper it is to live in the Phils.  So I don't think she just wants out of the Phils.
 
So last night I asked her if she wanted to fly up to Manila and meet me at the airport when I come in at 11 pm.  (I'm going to fly to General Santos and meet her parents and family) She responded with something about not liking waiting around in the airport for me all day until my plane comes in at 11.  I said go and eat lunch, walk around, go to my Hotel and take it easy, whatever.  She said she would fly up to meet me. 
 
I'm travelling for 23 hours and she's thinking it might be a drag to wait for me in the airport that day???
 
Day before yesterday she missed our chat and told me she sent a message (that I didn't get).  I called her and she said she had to take her friend to the airport that was going to Manila.  She said her friend is going the the US and has a 5 year contract in Seattle to work in community development.  Huh???  Is that possible?  Maybe some girls get visas for nursing, but this sounds fishy to me.
 
A couple months ago, she had to go to Manila for an aid seminar for 5 days and was going to see some family also while she was in Manila.  Her aid org paid for her plane ticket but she said she was a bit stressed because she didn't have any "walking around money" for food and such.  She didn't ask for money from me, and I didn't offer.  I told her that I'll pay for her internet but that's it until we actually meet.
 
Last week she said the aid org. was suffering financially and hadn't paid her for a month.
 
One day we were chatting and I asked her "what's for lunch?"  She told me that there wasn't much money in the family for food this month so she wasn't eating much. (She did not ask for money)  I told her it really made me sad to think that she doesn't even have enough money for food.
 
So we've been chatting alot for a few months, and these are the situations that have made me think a bit.....She's been very nice and I think sincere with me.
 
She's 25 no kids, lives with her Mom and Dad who works as a security guard, 3 brothers, 8,20,22 years old. Sister works as an accountant. One brother works as an electrician.
 
You guys think I'm cruisin for a bruisin?
 
Sorry this is the most boring post ever, but there's been so much other nonsense on the board lately, I just had to add a little of my own.

Offline Jeff S

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Re: The pitfalls of chat.
« Reply #1 on: October 27, 2011, 07:18:16 AM »
Thanks for telling the story. Sounds pretty much like life in the third world to me, and doubly for someone doing altruistic things in there. It seems to me like you're being paranoid about her being insincere but that's just from how you describe the conversations, not the conversations themselves. Of course she has a fantasy in her mind about what life with you will be like. That's not a bad thing. I'm not sure I'd travel halfway across the world to meet a women who didn't. The trick will be if she's still hanging around when she finds out what your fantasy life with her will be like. Go, have fun, relax, enjoy a vacation and meeting new people. You'll find out soon enough whether and how you two interrelate.

Offline fathertime

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Re: The pitfalls of chat.
« Reply #2 on: October 27, 2011, 07:57:36 AM »
That post was actually Interesting JWR...It would appear you have done your job with the webcamming and now you will just have to see what happens when you meet in person...it is pretty surprising that she would fall for you to this extent over the computer and it appears you think she is pretty ok, but are at least realistic.     It shall be interesting to hear what happens when you actually meet.  I will say that her reason for not meeting you at the airport doesn't seem very good to me....She should be there with open arms based on what you said.  The fact that she isn't could mean a lot of things.


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Re: The pitfalls of chat.
« Reply #2 on: October 27, 2011, 07:57:36 AM »

Offline Zon

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Re: The pitfalls of chat.
« Reply #3 on: October 27, 2011, 08:03:20 AM »
Pitfalls?  Tons of Time without physical validation.

I spend too damn much time chatting with a very very very good girl early this Summer.  Hell, we were almost in some kind of relationship after 3 weeks!?!?!?!?    Then, she sent me RECENT photos of herself in a bathing suit.  PFFFF!  I had to look at myself in the mirror and say, HELL, I am not travelling to another country, learning a new language and culture, and God knows what else for anything less than my ideal.

But, again, I am a SHALLOW HAL  :)

Offline thekfc

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Re: The pitfalls of chat.
« Reply #4 on: October 27, 2011, 08:09:27 AM »
So last night I asked her if she wanted to fly up to Manila and meet me at the airport when I come in at 11 pm.  (I'm going to fly to General Santos and meet her parents and family) She responded with something about not liking waiting around in the airport for me all day until my plane comes in at 11.  I said go and eat lunch, walk around, go to my Hotel and take it easy, whatever.  She said she would fly up to meet me. 

I'm travelling for 23 hours and she's thinking it might be a drag to wait for me in the airport that day???
Take a look at it this way.
 
For her to fly up to Manila this time of year (cheap flights sold out months ago) and pay for it out of her pocket, transportation to the airport (including tranfering between terminals - if needed), and food, etc,.that would cost her about (if not more than) a month worth of her salary.
 
What if she spend all that money & time and you don't show? I am not saying that you would do it but things like that do happen.
 
You have to look at things in not only your pov but also her pov.
 
It would be more convenient & less stressful for her to meet you in GS.
If we were all forced to wear a warning label, what would yours say?

Offline thekfc

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Re: The pitfalls of chat.
« Reply #5 on: October 27, 2011, 08:45:58 AM »
.....go to my Hotel and take it easy...
In my opinion that is a red flag (for her).
Waiting in someone hotel room especially someone she have never meet in person is a big no-no, that sent the wrong message. Also the hotel may not even let her in.
 
That is taking her out of her "comfort" zone.
If we were all forced to wear a warning label, what would yours say?

Offline piglett

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Re: The pitfalls of chat.
« Reply #6 on: October 27, 2011, 09:01:24 AM »
So last night I asked her if she wanted to fly up to Manila and meet me at the airport when I come in at 11 pm.  (I'm going to fly to General Santos and meet her parents and family)
I'm travelling for 23 hours and she's thinking it might be a drag to wait for me in the airport that day???
 
Last week she said the aid org. was suffering financially and hadn't paid her for a month.
 
One day we were chatting and I asked her "what's for lunch?"  She told me that there wasn't much money in the family for food this month so she wasn't eating much. (She did not ask for money)  I told her it really made me sad to think that she doesn't even have enough money for food.
well 1ST has she ever been on a plane?
maybe she is really scared to fly..........?
2ND my wife hasn't been paid in 7 weeks
why ? no funding & all of her co-workers have returned to the province. my wife's words were "they had no money to eat"
so yes life is hard in the PI at times.
get on a plane & go see this girl J
 
 
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piglett
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Offline thekfc

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Re: The pitfalls of chat.
« Reply #7 on: October 27, 2011, 09:05:54 AM »
2ND my wife hasn't been paid in 7 weeks
why ? no funding & all of her co-workers have returned to the province. my wife's words were "they had no money to eat"
Yep, 2 words you will hear a lot - no budget.
If we were all forced to wear a warning label, what would yours say?

Offline piglett

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Re: The pitfalls of chat.
« Reply #8 on: October 27, 2011, 09:09:28 AM »
In my opinion that is a red flag (for her).
Waiting in someone hotel room especially someone she have never meet in person is a big no-no, that sent the wrong message. Also the hotel may not even let her in.
 
That is taking her out of her "comfort" zone.
a woman alone in Manila late at night has a fair chance if getting raped ( it happens) also if you don't show at 11pm she is stuck waiting outside the airport all night long  :(
 
 
pig
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Offline robert angel

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Re: The pitfalls of chat.
« Reply #9 on: October 27, 2011, 09:20:51 AM »
JWR,
My wife was living in Davao--she is from Mindanao originally. It's good to think a great deal about all this, but I have a hunch you're reading more into it than you need to in some respects, maybe not enough in others.

It also reminds me of what we went through. Kfc is right on about not only the cost for her to fly to Manila. Besides the major money expense issue-- taking leave of work is a major deal--even for a day. Over there, even crappy jobs are hard to find.

Is she able to leave work to spend time with you, or will she have to quit? There was no way Coca Cola would've allowed my now wife several weeks off and she had to quit to spend time with me. After that, I supported her while the USCIS paper work dragged out.

It's hard to believe, but even after years of everyday, long, intense chatting and having mapped out our potential future together, my wife was an absolute basket case, worrying that I wouldn't really get off the plane in Davao--that I would get cold feet, choose someone else, whatever. There was a slight time delay in me finding her at the airport and she was crying a river. They have all heard horror stories about guys they felt 100% about, who actually had tickets that they saw, standing them up, leaving them in disgrace.

Her finances were very tight at times and she never, ever asked me for a single peso--thing. She sacrificed food to pay for chat time and sometimes when I asked 'what did you eat?' she would reply "vegies". Now that I look back, she was getting scary skinny--below 90 pounds. I thought 'man, she looks great!' but now I realize she wasn't eating right, she was helping to pay for her sibling's tuition while supporting herself and I didn't really realize how hard it was.

With 3 younger siblings, I'm sure she's turning any income she has over to the family.With my now wife, after a long time chatting, I sent her teddy bears and cute trinkets--I should have sent food, clothing and shoes after years of her being 100% true, but I wasn't putting together the bits and pieces of what she was telling me, because she was to proud to say anything like "I only have one pair of old shoes" or "We only have had rice and vegies for a month now".  After I got there, I realized the 'real deal'.

We never missed a chat, unless always knowing ahead of time if something was coming up, but I don't think you need to worry there if she had an explanation that seems believable--not with one instance.
 
Far from boring, your post is interesting and potentially very helpful to guys pursuing (intelligently) serious relationships with  what to me what sounds like a 'traditional' Filipina, coming from a provincial back ground. If my wife here and now, wasn't making a bundle of money,  sending it back home to help her siblings and if I could quit my job/s, she'd give her eye teeth to quit the rat race and life in the USA and live in Davao, maybe coming back to the USA every year or so for a few months.

I bet like my wife was, that your lady is an educated, sensitive, somewhat conservative, a bit naive and a beautiful person inside and out. I see a whole lot more silver than gray here...Get stoked--not spooked at this point, I say.
 
BTW, Woody was talking about flying to GSC recently--it'd be neat if you could hook up for a beer or whatever! Good luck--I think you'll have a great time no matter what!
« Last Edit: October 27, 2011, 09:26:31 AM by robert angel »
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Offline JWR

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Re: The pitfalls of chat.
« Reply #10 on: October 27, 2011, 10:09:26 AM »
 
 
Thanks for the input guys.  I appreciate it alot.  Expected you guys to actually be harder on her.
 
Robert: Thanks alot for the stories.  The aid organization hasn't been paying her, and told her that she can have time off.....Not really a job at this point with them not paying but volunteer work.
 
This chatting thing has been very interesting, and sometimes very intense.  During one of our chats she started showing photos of her most recent "mission" up this big mountain to a village.  During the return trip down, it started raining hard and then a truck broke down, so they had to get out of the trucks and walk in the mud and rocks for 10 hours.  In one photo she's sitting by a stream after her sandals broke, with her feet cut up, and legs scratched, muddy all the way up to the waste, mud on her face, and with a HUGE smile on her face.  She said it was a little hard, and she was a bit sore and tired, but it was the best experience helping those kids in that villiage.  Wow I thought, "she's amazing"  Trying to imagine myself bare feet walking down that rocky mountain.....I would not have been smiling at the stream.
 
So after that, when she mentioned that she could only chat a couple times a week because she needed to save for the internet cafe, I offered to send her some money.  Total I've sent $ 135.00 since Aug, and I suggested that she go get something delicious to eat after we chat.  Interesting that Robert mentions his wife spending food money to chat with him.  That is exactly what I was worried about.  I didn't send much, but for my peace of mind I wanted to be sure she wasn't spending rice money to look at my scraggly face on cam....
 
So this is a grey area for me really.  You're pretty sure you have found someone special, and you aren't going to meet them for months, and it would be just so easy to make their life just a little better by sending a few $ so what do you do?
 
 
Actually always planned on meeting her in General Santos 1st but just sort of off the cuff asked her if she wanted to fly up, meet me in Manila, and go to the marine park.  Either way was fine, but I thought it would be fun for her, and I didn't mind buying the plane ticket.

 
Pig I hear ya.  She's flown before to Manila, but it hadn't ocurred to me that she might be scared hanging out at the airport waiting.

 
 It would be more convenient & less stressful for her to meet you in GS.

Thanks, I agree.  I'll just fly down there 1st.
 
One of the challenges is not letting past relationship baggage not color your outlook and reactions to new fresh relationships.  Allowing yourself to be used financially in the past can make you a little paranoid about future situations that pop up. 

Offline thekfc

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Re: The pitfalls of chat.
« Reply #11 on: October 27, 2011, 10:10:11 AM »
Quote
Is she able to leave work to spend time with you, or will she have to quit? 
Luckily for my wife, she was managing her sister's cafe and got all the time off she wanted. Everybody chipped in to cover the time she was with me.

Quote
With 3 younger siblings, I'm sure she's turning any income she has over to the family.With my now wife, after a long time chatting, I sent her teddy bears and cute trinkets--I should have sent food, clothing and shoes after years of her being 100% true, but I wasn't putting together the bits and pieces of what she was telling me, because she was to proud to say anything like "I only have one pair of old shoes" or "We only have had rice and vegies for a month now".  After I got there, I realized the 'real deal'.
Me & the wife did a couple of rounds at the stores (& internet) buying stuff on clearance for her to send to her family.
While we were shopping, I would bypass stuff and my wife would grap it, I would tell her "that is not good" and she would say "yes, that is good". While I was going for name/style - she was going for what is needed.
 
She also getting better & better in pricing & finding a "deal" - I think that my wife is turning into a slickdealer.   ;D
 
Earlier this month we sent 3 BB filled with clothing & shoes (we wanted them to get there for X-mas) and we still have more to pack which we will ship at our convenience. I have to admit that those BB do hold a lot of stuff. :o
 
 
If we were all forced to wear a warning label, what would yours say?

Offline robert angel

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Re: The pitfalls of chat.
« Reply #12 on: October 27, 2011, 10:42:17 AM »
JWR,
If you weren't a little nervous, we'd be nervous! :P
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Re: The pitfalls of chat.
« Reply #12 on: October 27, 2011, 10:42:17 AM »

Offline z_k_g

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Re: The pitfalls of chat.
« Reply #13 on: October 27, 2011, 04:53:10 PM »
JWR,

First off your story is not a bit boring, my story is very similar so I was kinda smiling and chuckling as I read your post.

Your paying for communication is spot on. 

Everyone in the Phils basically texts not much voice or chatting going on.  Why?  Text is cheap and everyone can do it with a cheapo phone to an Iphone.

Most other forms of communication are pretty much the same price as we pay in the US and internet cafe fees are cheap cheap but they add up.  Bottom line is she can't really afford to chat with you consistently unless you pay for it. 

My sweetie was using her food allowance to pay for our initial chats.  She didn't tell me, I found out indirectly one day because she remarked she wasn't eating that week because of her internet cafe expenses (pinays love to hint). 

That was shocking to me that she would give up a regular meal to chat with me, so from that day forward, I paid for all of our communication.

As far as meeting you in Manila.  I would drop that and go to GSC and meet her wherever she chooses.  Pinays are so sensitive and will cry at the drop of a hat!  So let her pick the place, the time, and if she wants to bring family or friends so be it.   

You want her to be 100% comfortable 100% of the time.  First impressions are critical, her family and friends will want to meet you.  This initial evaluation is very important, so bring gifts!

As far as sending her additional money for emergencies, I would NOT do that now.

Filipinos are very proud people and a traditional pinay will not directly ask you for a dime.   However, if your pinay is in dire need of money to eat, that is a difficult situation that you will have to make that decision for yourself. 

But before you turn into a kano ATM machine, ask yourself a simple question "what would she do if I were not here?"

No matter how much you love this pinay, remember, there are another 10 million starving pinays in the Phils that look just like her.   You can't feed them all and you are not looking for a starving dependent, you are looking for a WIFE! 

Personally, I refuse to accept anything less that the best.  If she is in that dire straits, maybe you need to move on and find a pinay that is ready for a relationship and a husband, not a charity sponsor.

A good scammer will always start small and work towards the bigger purses.  Its the slow milking technique and its ages old but it still works quite well. 

That's the most difficult part about a long distance relationship your level of trust and suspicion is at the highest level on both sides.

Its easy to resolve however.

Get on a plane, meet her, the family, her friends and get a better feel for the complete package.  Once you spend that quality time on the ground a lot of your questions will be answered.

Good luck,

Zulu
Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. All other -"sins" are invented nonsense. (Hurting yourself is not sinful-just stupid.) RAH

Offline JWR

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Re: The pitfalls of chat.
« Reply #14 on: October 27, 2011, 05:09:38 PM »
Thanks Zulu,,,,,,
I was wondering where you were!
I appreciate your opinion. 
She's not in that dire straits really.  3 of her family are working, and they are living ok.  I do think she's embarrassed because she can't help her family the way she used to when she had a better job.  She always keeps telling me to come live there because we won't need much money at all and can be happy.
I could actually do that, but I'm not sure I would be happy living there.  I've tried Costa Rica and also Colombia and I didn't like either.  The Phils will most likely be the same for me.  No place like home.
On the 23rd of next month I'll be with her, and get to see how things fit.  I'll be there for 3 weeks so that will give us some time.
When are you going back?
 

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Re: The pitfalls of chat.
« Reply #15 on: October 27, 2011, 05:37:58 PM »



    JWR, sounds to me like you are right where you should be at this point.When I was only communcating by phone and internet and didn't really know the woman I was interested in I had doubts and question and even some of the same issues you have.These things take time before they are clear cut.If you have interest in this woman go visit her and try to deal with these issues as best as you can in the mean time.

    Should you send money? That's an age old question that has sparked many a debate here on this forum.The truth is it is really up to you whether to send and how much.Paying for her a way to communicate is ok.I don't see a problem.It really is up to you and what you are willing to do because in the end the money is coming out of your pocket.

    Researcher
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Offline z_k_g

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Re: The pitfalls of chat.
« Reply #16 on: October 27, 2011, 06:41:40 PM »
She always keeps telling me to come live there because we won't need much money at all and can be happy.

I really think that any person would rather stay at home with family and friends.  However, part of the spice of life is travel and adventure so getting a passport and seeing the world is an education within itself.

Most pinays see travel and job as one and the same.  The Philippines makes most of its tax revenue from people that don't even live there through the over seas worker program.  The government educates it citizens to work overseas and bring back money home.   This is why communication fees are so high and there are so few cheap or "free" alternatives because the government (and choice rich phils) make billions from the honey pot.

Its not all good that your pinay wants to stay there and never leave.  Just my opinion because the goal of most pinays or pinoys is to take care of their mother and father for retirement and help the other brothers and sisters get educated.

If your pinay simply wants to have you move there so YOU can be HAPPY, :o then she may just be looking for a rich kano who will build her and her parents a house, become an ATM machine and she will no longer have to work and you will be a money wagon until you die.

Not that there is any issue with this outlook.  I mean you get a hot 20 something spinner who will be available for your unlimited pleasure fun and companionship and she gets an ATM machine. 

Even trade in my book.

I call this the "easy way out plan" or the "bargirl shacking up plan".  I got a lot of this from pinays in Manila and Cebu.

However if you are looking for more of a traditional arrangement, then your pinay will want to exit the phils for a few years or so, make some decent moola and send the cash home to mamma and then you both move back home to enjoy a great life once she has made her fortune and you are ready to retire to a life of pinay watching and red horse!

This latter arrangement is sorta the typical plan I heard when chatting with the provincial pinays and the big city pinays who were serious.

Your situation may end up somewhere between the two I've illustrated, only time will tell and both are perfectly fine, whatever floats your boat.

Now I may be completely off base, I want my fellow P-L brothers to chime in and either clean up my mess  :o or give me a high-five. 8)

On the 23rd of next month I'll be with her, and get to see how things fit.  I'll be there for 3 weeks so that will give us some time.
When are you going back?

I'll be in Asia in December (Japan, Korea) but not in SEA.   I'll keep you updated, but I'm pretty sure I won't be in Phils in late November.

In 3 weeks you will have all your questions answered.  Be careful in the province area around GSC, you will be deep in muslim territory once you leave the city limits.  I think thats near the semi-autonomous region.

Her family will watch your back so you should be ok, just don't get too adventurous and make sure you are not a Mayweather fan (like me)!

One of my first chats was with a scammer from GCS.  Very attractive university student (lots of pics sent) and we chatted for over 3 weeks and even a few phone calls. 

Then she started to cut the chats short, needed cash and started to have family emergencies (sick mother with cancer) and started asking for money directly, then demanding "if you love me then....". 

Pinay Scammer Drama Queen..... >:(

I dumped her.

Zulu
Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. All other -"sins" are invented nonsense. (Hurting yourself is not sinful-just stupid.) RAH

Offline savvy

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Re: The pitfalls of chat.
« Reply #17 on: October 27, 2011, 08:00:37 PM »



Thanks for posting your story JWR. I really don't see how guys can meet filipinas online and then marry them just like that. I was more skeptical before but after reading your story and the advice given I'm less skeptical and more interested in the process.

Not to offend anybody or anything buut I have seen alot of good women and alot of bad in the Philippines. This is why I am skeptical. I do see alot of wisdom here though.





Offline Researcher

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Re: The pitfalls of chat.
« Reply #18 on: October 27, 2011, 09:44:49 PM »


      I think if a woman wants to be with you it's not going to matter to her where she lives.The thought of leaving your home and country can be frightening but most women I have known were willing to make sacrifices for the right man.


     Researcher
Every man has his own courage, and is betrayed because he seeks in himself the courage of other persons. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Offline robert angel

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Re: The pitfalls of chat.
« Reply #19 on: October 28, 2011, 10:22:56 AM »
I really think that any person would rather stay at home with family and friends.  However, part of the spice of life is travel and adventure so getting a passport and seeing the world is an education within itself.

Most pinays see travel and job as one and the same.  The Philippines makes most of its tax revenue from people that don't even live there through the over seas worker program.  The government educates it citizens to work overseas and bring back money home.   This is why communication fees are so high and there are so few cheap or "free" alternatives because the government (and choice rich phils) make billions from the honey pot.

Its not all good that your pinay wants to stay there and never leave.  Just my opinion because the goal of most pinays or pinoys is to take care of their mother and father for retirement and help the other brothers and sisters get educated.

If your pinay simply wants to have you move there so YOU can be HAPPY, :o then she may just be looking for a rich kano who will build her and her parents a house, become an ATM machine and she will no longer have to work and you will be a money wagon until you die.

Not that there is any issue with this outlook.  I mean you get a hot 20 something spinner who will be available for your unlimited pleasure fun and companionship and she gets an ATM machine. 

Even trade in my book.

I call this the "easy way out plan" or the "bargirl shacking up plan".  I got a lot of this from pinays in Manila and Cebu.

However if you are looking for more of a traditional arrangement, then your pinay will want to exit the phils for a few years or so, make some decent moola and send the cash home to mamma and then you both move back home to enjoy a great life once she has made her fortune and you are ready to retire to a life of pinay watching and red horse!

This latter arrangement is sorta the typical plan I heard when chatting with the provincial pinays and the big city pinays who were serious.

Your situation may end up somewhere between the two I've illustrated, only time will tell and both are perfectly fine, whatever floats your boat.

Now I may be completely off base, I want my fellow P-L brothers to chime in and either clean up my mess  :o or give me a high-five. 8)

I'll be in Asia in December (Japan, Korea) but not in SEA.   I'll keep you updated, but I'm pretty sure I won't be in Phils in late November.

In 3 weeks you will have all your questions answered.  Be careful in the province area around GSC, you will be deep in muslim territory once you leave the city limits.  I think thats near the semi-autonomous region.

Her family will watch your back so you should be ok, just don't get too adventurous and make sure you are not a Mayweather fan (like me)!

One of my first chats was with a scammer from GCS.  Very attractive university student (lots of pics sent) and we chatted for over 3 weeks and even a few phone calls. 

Then she started to cut the chats short, needed cash and started to have family emergencies (sick mother with cancer) and started asking for money directly, then demanding "if you love me then....". 

Pinay Scammer Drama Queen..... >:(

I dumped her.

Zulu

Z-k-g:

I can see some of your points,  but I think they're a bit 'either or'--'A or B' and that there are variations, 'shades of gray' if you will and that when your lady gets here and has lived here a while, you'll see them more. For one, in JWR's case, her wanting to stay in the Philippines and have a Kano husband live there with her is I'm pretty sure, something she realizes isn't not going to happen, at least not any time soon. Like with my wife, it's an idealization--a dream.

Whether having us live over there, or the Filipina living in our country, it typically has the same motivation, albeit to differing extents. Namely, most Filipinas want to be better able to help their families out financially. Like us, they want a better life overall. I think Americans think more in individual ways, but over there, especially with women, it's more 'group think'.

It sounds like this lady JWR is serious and my wife are similar in some ways. They both sound very altruistic.
My wife tells me more and more over time and it amazes me how long it takes for some things. Her father was barangay captain (very small barangay) three times, before a guy with ties to gold mining interests, bought out enough votes for him to lose the election.

The next election, the people realized the health, human services and infrastructure improvements her dad brought (better education, less crime, zero tolerance for drugs, clean reliable water to all homes, 'fairly' reliable electricity) and although they still took money to vote for the 'guy with the gold'--they voted for my wife's dad and he won again. It was largely because the last captain didn't do much, besides allow pollution from gold ore refining processing to get worse. Between necessary travel and time away from the farm, my father in law actually loses money .Captain or not, he and the whole family, are active in all aspects of barangay life. They're a little bit better off than most, because they own a lot of land that the rest of the villagers work on, but when times are tough--it's all around.

My wife used to get a new dress once or twice a year at most, typically at Christmas time. She told me a couple months ago how she felt terribly guilty when she would get a piece of new clothing and how she wouldn't want to wear it. When voted Festival Princess, she would turn it down so someone else could get it. There are a lot of other examples, but you get the point.

Even after having been in the USA a fairly long time, she still collects clothing, books, vitamns and other stuff  to send back to the barangay. Last summer, she went home and one of the first things she did was visit the school to help out. She is very proud of the Philippines. Yes, she's a US citizen for years now, but she's getting dual citizenship.

Everyday, she goes online to read about thing Filipino--not politics, but about people and events--certainly Charice and Pacquiao, etc. She longs for the day when her siblings are all done with school, are self supporting and all together, can help their parents, who are getting a bit old for farm work. She says one day, she'll send less money home, but honestly, I bet it won't be much less. I don't even ask 'How much?'

In a way she's never really left the Philippines. Whether it's meat on the table--especially a 'fancy' meal--a nice steak, etc--maybe her driving her own car, or a trip to Disney World--really pretty much anything here that's not common there, she and I think about how 'special' it is and how we wish her family could experience it with us.
She looks forward to us moving there for most of the year--we have a little house there now, but I can already imagine it's going to be full of family and we'll end up buying another place to 'get away' sometimes. That's just the way it is. What's theirs is ours and vice versa.

JWR's lady seems to love her nation, more precisely it's people, and her heart is there. She may leave it for love and move to another country, but for what she's seen and lived through, I think a big part of her heart will always be back there. That isn't the case with all Filipinos--not by a LONG shot. I know some who bad mouth it and even some who don't want their American born children to even set foot there.

But for the best Filipinas in my opinion, a big part of their heart never leaves the Philippines and they look forward to a day when they can return and live there without hardship, to be with the ones they love--including of course, their husband. He's not a simple tool, not merely a 'means to an end' or a human ATM machine.

We all marry (hopefully) to better our lives in various ways and marriage and economics are as interwined  to varying degrees, as are bread and flour.
 
« Last Edit: October 28, 2011, 02:00:10 PM by robert angel »
Whether you think you can or think you can't--you're right!

Offline z_k_g

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Re: The pitfalls of chat.
« Reply #20 on: October 28, 2011, 01:37:58 PM »
Rob,

I think we basically agree, my view may be a bit more cynical than yours.

I was giving him the worse case and best case scenario so he could get a better picture of things.

From what I read so far he has a very nice pinay.

Good Counter points  :D

Zulu
Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. All other -"sins" are invented nonsense. (Hurting yourself is not sinful-just stupid.) RAH

Offline robert angel

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Re: The pitfalls of chat.
« Reply #21 on: October 28, 2011, 02:17:08 PM »
Z,

I hear ya and  it's probably a good thing to have a 'devil's advocate' for most guys looking for wives overseas. If somebody doesn't read about the pit falls, the scammers, things about the culture, logistics of life and travel over there, they're bound to screw up.
 
Speaking of 'screwing up'--you didn't actually ADMIT that you're a Mayweather fan over there, did you?  How do you feel about him not agreeing to fight Pacquiao?

Do you think he can retire undefeated w/o fighting Pacquiao and really have a legacy as being one of the greatest? I think he's dodging Pacquiao for a long time now and long ago ran out of excuses. I wrote a dang epistle on it--it's in the forums--easy to pull.

I watched Mayweather's last fight at the movie theater, and he really sucker punched that last opponent--the guy wasn't even looking--the ref totally screwed up.
Mayweather's one of the greatest defensive fighters ever, his pretty boy face largely unmarked, but I think he'd be worse for wear if he had the guts (which he hasn't shown in a number of ways, 'retiring' so conveniently) if he dared to get in the ring with Pacquiao. I think it'd be a helluva of a fight, one that'd make them both 100 million, They could fight three times, ala Ali--Frazier and the fans want it, big time. and eaqch make close to a third of a billion dollars, possibly--but they're not getting any younger....

If boxing regs were fair, they'd have stripped Mayweather of his title long ago for dodging fighters who were the real, ranked contenders...
Whether you think you can or think you can't--you're right!

Offline Ray

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Re: The pitfalls of chat.
« Reply #22 on: October 28, 2011, 02:47:44 PM »
OK JWR, just to expand on what some other guys said…
 
First, it is ‘normally’ considered unacceptable for a single Filipina woman to fly off to Manila to meet a ‘strange’ man. You should expect her to meet you with one or two of her family members or close friends as chaperones. I would not expect her to stay at your hotel or go off to another town alone with you. Just play it by ear and respect her position in her culture.
 
Second, just the process of waiting at the airport in Manila for an incoming flight is not what you may think it is. I don’t blame her a bit for not wanting to endure the process and she has probably done it before. It’s not like waiting in an air-conditioned arrival lounge at the airport here in the States. They have to stand outside in the sweltering heat, humidity, air pollution, typhoons, tropical storms, etc., with hundreds of other folks crowded into designated waiting areas outside the terminal building for a flight that may end up being hours late. Personally, I think I’d rather have another root canal.
 
And for you guys out there that have girls travel to Manila to meet you at the airport, you better really appreciate the hassles that she went through to do that!
 
Spare her the hassles and respect their traditions and meet her in her hometown, or at least somewhere closer to her, where she can meet you properly.
 
I don’t really see anything else in your story to raise any red flags yet. Relax and enjoy your adventure!
 
Ray
 

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Re: The pitfalls of chat.
« Reply #22 on: October 28, 2011, 02:47:44 PM »

Offline Tanuki

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Re: The pitfalls of chat.
« Reply #23 on: October 28, 2011, 02:58:34 PM »
It’s not like waiting in an air-conditioned arrival lounge at the airport here in the States. They have to stand outside in the sweltering heat, humidity, air pollution, typhoons, tropical storms, etc., with hundreds of other folks crowded into designated waiting areas outside the terminal building for a flight that may end up being hours late. Personally, I think I’d rather have another root canal.

When I arived in Manila, as soon as those aiport doors open to the outside.  You can feel the heat and the humidity rush in.  After passing through those doors and walking down that ramp, there is a really, really big crowd of folks standing outside.  At first I thought there was going to be no way in hell I was going to find my girl who stands 4'10".  People jumping in your face trying to offer you a ride.  Some kept offering me there cell phone to use so I could call her.  There is a little bit of chaos as soon as you walk out those doors.
 
« Last Edit: October 28, 2011, 03:01:17 PM by Tanuki, Reason: Fixed spelling »

Offline z_k_g

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Re: The pitfalls of chat.
« Reply #24 on: October 28, 2011, 05:07:54 PM »
Z,

I hear ya and  it's probably a good thing to have a 'devil's advocate' for most guys looking for wives overseas. If somebody doesn't read about the pit falls, the scammers, things about the culture, logistics of life and travel over there, they're bound to screw up.

Rob, based on what JWR has posted I don't think he has any type of issue with his pinay...so far.  We will see once he hits the ground in GSC.   I think a lot of the newbies DO NOT read the archives so I'm basically rehashing advice that has been repeated over and over again, just adding my twist to it.

Speaking of 'screwing up'--you didn't actually ADMIT that you're a Mayweather fan over there, did you? 
I made it back to the USA alive.  That should answer your question!!   ;)

How do you feel about him not agreeing to fight Pacquiao?

The boxing term is "ducking" or "dodging" but most billionaire businessmen in America call that "product enhancement" or "advanced brand marketing"

....Zulu calls it one smart brother! :D (Money Mayweather, I love that name!)

Do you think he can retire undefeated w/o fighting Pacquiao and really have a legacy as being one of the greatest? I think he's dodging Pacquiao for a long time now and long ago ran out of excuses. I wrote a dang epistle on it--it's in the forums--easy to pull.

Mayweather 42-0
Pacquiao 58-3-2

I rest my case.

I watched Mayweather's last fight at the movie theater, and he really sucker punched that last opponent--the guy wasn't even looking--the ref totally screwed up.
Mayweather's one of the greatest defensive fighters ever, his pretty boy face largely unmarked, but I think he'd be worse for wear if he had the guts (which he hasn't shown in a number of ways, 'retiring' so conveniently) if he dared to get in the ring with Pacquiao. I think it'd be a helluva of a fight, one that'd make them both 100 million, They could fight three times, ala Ali--Frazier and the fans want it, big time. and eaqch make close to a third of a billion dollars, possibly--but they're not getting any younger....

If boxing regs were fair, they'd have stripped Mayweather of his title long ago for dodging fighters who were the real, ranked contenders...

Rob, two is not a winner and three nobody remembers. ;D

Z
Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. All other -"sins" are invented nonsense. (Hurting yourself is not sinful-just stupid.) RAH

 

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