Introduction (38M attorney lonely-as-hell)

[JamesBreckenridge]

And no, that's not my real name, it's a handle I use when I don't want to be recognized.

I dated a Taiwanese girl who grew up in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia when I was in undergrad. Fourteen years ago that was. We got on wonderfully... but when we both graduated, she went back home. I sometimes wonder where she is now, or how I could find her, but she may as well be on Mars.

A failed marriage and a near-marriage that went totally pear shaped with zero warning later, I find myself alone and somewhat despairing. I've got a great job, but because of where I live, if you're not into Jesus and pickup trucks, the available dating pool is pretty small. And then if you don't want children and don't care for fat girls, it gets smaller still. Once you eliminate the girls that are too young for me (I draw a hard line at 25 and no younger and don't want to go over 40), I reckon I'm facing one in a million odds.

After this most recent fiasco, in which I thought I had truly found The One, after all this time, my one in a million that turned out to NOT be, I have been somewhat at a loss.

What I've been trying has obviously not been working. So I think maybe it's time to try something else. I know that China is full of beautiful, intelligent women with drive and ambition... surely there's ONE out there for me. Just the city of Shenzhen has several times the population of my entire impoverished backwards state. I can brush back up on my Mandarin.

What's the best way to meet a Chinese girl these days? Join one of the "international dating services" and get her to communicate via IM, email, and phone? What about going on one of those tours? I've heard them described as "an expensive form of speed dating." Part of me wants to believe that I can just be lucky and muddle through and will somehow stumble across her (basically trusting fate), another part of me wants to go on a tour where I can talk to more women in a few hours than I have in my entire life to this point (which statistically makes the most sense but seems terribly mercenary).

I make a pretty good living, have a small home, multiple cars... I could be a good provider and make someone happy. I would have given my ex the Moon.

[Jeff S]

Hi JB:
Great to have you here. You're doing the right thing IMO. Women in Asia are more like what women here used to be - devoted, supportive, feminine and real life partners.

I wouldn't screw with an agency - and sure as hell not some kind of romance tour. Get online and chat with some women - there are tons of free and low cost international "friend finder" sites where there isn't the pressure either way. When you hit it off, go visit. China is a place anyone can make tons of friends in - easily. You don't have to worry about inadvertently turning the wrong corner and find yourself an armed rebel's hostage. You can go anywhere and enjoy yourself there without much fear of being ripped off or becoming the victim of a crime. The people you meet will be excited to show you a good time, take you to great places and do the fun things the locals do.

Not only will it feel mercenary for you, but the women who join up with those "socials" are being fairly mercenary themselves. That's not the crowd you want to hang with. Start looking for friends first and see what develops. Your friends may know other friends, and so on.

The people who say this has some sort of formula to it - with backup plans and lists of questions are going about it like they'd go about refinancing their house - looking for the best deal. This is supposed to be fun and exciting - an adventure - have at it and enjoy.

[JamesBreckenridge]

Hi JB:
Great to have you here. You're doing the right thing IMO. Women in Asia are more like what women here used to be - devoted, supportive, feminine and real life partners.

I wouldn't screw with an agency - and sure as hell not some kind of romance tour. Get online and chat with some women - there are tons of free and low cost international "friend finder" sites where there isn't the pressure either way.

Thanks, I appreciate it. I don't see a list-o-links to such international friend finders, etc. Heck, just name ONE good one and I'll go check it out. Are there going to be very many (age appropriate) girls there who are interested in dating a westerner? I thought sites like those were all about pen pals etc. I don't want to feel like some kind of creepster lurking around women who aren't interested (at least on the matchmaking sites the ladies if they exist are presumptively looking). Ok, worst case scenario I get to practice my abominable Mandarin.

[Tanuki]

You can try Date in Asia.  I am sure you will get lots of messages from women in the Philippines but, I did see Chinese women on there.  I did have one lady from China that I was talking with but then, I met the lady I am currently talking with. DIA is free to join and a good way to dip your feet in the pool without having throwing out some cash.

As with any internet dating, be careful and don't let your guard down.  If you take some time and read the archives, you can learn a lot.  There are a lot of folks who posted some great; been there, done that, and got the T-shirt experiences.

Welcome and I wish you the best of luck in your search!

[JamesBreckenridge]

You can try Date in Asia.  I am sure you will get lots of messages from women in the Philippines but, I did see Chinese women on there.  I did have one lady from China that I was talking with but then, I met the lady I am currently talking with. DIA is free to join and a good way to dip your feet in the pool without having throwing out some cash.

Oh, so THAT'S what "DiA" means. *checks* O.o! Great googily! My-god-it's-full-of-stars! This is FREE??? I was looking at another site, and there were all these IMPOSSIBLY hot girls... a lot of that was probably good photography and makeup, but still... these girls look a lot more "real."

Wish it allowed more than one picture. How does that place makes its money???

[Woody]

Wish it allowed more than one picture. How does that place makes its money???

Advertising.

[Jeff S]

http://www.japanesefriendfinder.com/ OK mostly Japanese women, but lots of Chinese on there too.

[Bob_S]

I dated a Taiwanese girl who grew up in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia when I was in undergrad. Fourteen years ago that was. We got on wonderfully... but when we both graduated, she went back home. I sometimes wonder where she is now, or how I could find her, but she may as well be on Mars.

Ah, the one that got away and spoiled you for all domestic girls.  Yep.  Seen that before.

...because of where I live, if you're not into Jesus and pickup trucks, the available dating pool is pretty small. And then if you don't want children and don't care for fat girls, it gets smaller still.

I think I know that place.  Yup, know it quite well.  I'm Christian, so I was okay with the Jesus girls, but the ones that weren't obese seemed to be trying to earn their way into Heaven by saving the souls of the bad boys.  I was in the Midwest for grad school, and when I graduated, I couldn't get out of there fast enough.
One problem you already are facing is the "no children" issue.  Most women will want children sometime.  Watch out for the ones who agree to not have kids, they may just be telling you what you want to hear to get you to sponsor them and bring them over at which point they'll dump you quick for a guy who does want to be a father.  While nothing is guaranteed, you may want to think about the possibilities with a woman who already has a child or two but whose baby-daddy is no longer in the picture for whatever reason.

What's the best way to meet a Chinese girl these days? ...Part of me wants to believe that I can just be lucky and muddle through and will somehow stumble across her (basically trusting fate), another part of me wants to go on a tour where I can talk to more women in a few hours than I have in my entire life to this point (which statistically makes the most sense but seems terribly mercenary).

Look up at the top of the lefthand column, you will see "Agency List".  Some focus on China.  Some deal with all of Asia in general, so there should be some Chinese girls there too.  A few guys here are focused on Chinese girls.  Some married, some still in process.  Maybe they will chime in and give you a shove in the right direction.  But if thee's any way at all you can become an expat over there, that is always the best way.

I make a pretty good living, have a small home, multiple cars... I could be a good provider and make someone happy.

I wouldn't mention that to any girls you end up corresponding with.  You'll end up attracting a lot of gold diggers.  One of the rules is: never mention finances.  In that regard, say you are employed or self-employed as the case may be and leave it at that.

And welcome to the hunt!  It promises to be an adventure however it turns out.

[Capstone]

http://www.japanesefriendfinder.com/ OK mostly Japanese women, but lots of Chinese on there too.

www.japanesefriendfinder.com is one of the many portals to the World Friends Network - so all the profiles that are in the World Friends Network are accessible from there. I know several guys who met their Chinese wives via the World Friends Network - so I would say that this would probably be a good choice.

[jal1122]

Hey James, I just signed up because I wanted to reply to your post.  I don't necessarily have a lot to say in addition to the others, but thought I'd add the "I feel your pain" moment.  I am a 33 year old divorced attorney in what could certainly be considered a "backwater state" as well.  In fact, in your description of needing to love Jesus and pickup trucks to find a woman, I started wondering if we are in the same state...haha.

At any rate about 4 weeks ago I got on DIA and I have been really happy with the results.  I met a woman I really like and have been talking to her incessantly for 3 weeks.  If my experience is anything common, you should be getting a lot of responses on DIA and you will soon find yourself having to weed through them.

Good Luck!

[JamesBreckenridge]

Hey James, I just signed up because I wanted to reply to your post.  I don't necessarily have a lot to say in addition to the others, but thought I'd add the "I feel your pain" moment.  I am a 33 year old divorced attorney in what could certainly be considered a "backwater state" as well.  In fact, in your description of needing to love Jesus and pickup trucks to find a woman, I started wondering if we are in the same state...haha.

At any rate about 4 weeks ago I got on DIA and I have been really happy with the results.  I met a woman I really like and have been talking to her incessantly for 3 weeks.  If my experience is anything common, you should be getting a lot of responses on DIA and you will soon find yourself having to weed through them.

Good Luck!

Nice to meet you, JAL1222. If the results for DiA are like weeds, what I've been getting from my paid membership on Cherry Blossoms is downright kudzu! I get dozens of emails a day, mostly from Filiipinas, but there are a few Chinese in there as well. I'm pretty sure some percentage are outright fakes, and some greater amount may be running a con, but given the sheer volume, they can't ALL be fakes or cons artists.

I've started talking with a junior high school social studies teacher from Guangdong city. We're penpals now. We tried Skyping, but the connection wasn't very good (and I was nervous as hell). Her photos were those pro-looking glamour jobs... I was afraid she wasn't real until she sent "real" pictures. She's still quite pretty even without all the photoshoppery.

[Capstone]

I've started talking with a junior high school social studies teacher from Guangdong city. We're penpals now. We tried Skyping, but the connection wasn't very good (and I was nervous as hell). Her photos were those pro-looking glamour jobs... I was afraid she wasn't real until she sent "real" pictures. She's still quite pretty even without all the photoshoppery.

I wouldn't be too concerned about those glamor shot photos in regards to Chinese girls because they all get them - and I am not talking about only the girls that are on the dating sites either. Sessions at photography studios in China are dirt cheap so just about every girl will have glamor shots taken of herself at least once in her life.

I have never heard of Guangdong City before - Guangdong is a province but I was not aware that there was a city by the same name. Perhaps you meant Guangzhou, which is the capital of Guangdong?

[Bill_McC]

If you're serious about finding a mate then shy away from the pay sites. The free sites avoid all of the IMBRA issues. I personally recommend going that route. I don't know how many if any Mandarin speaking Chinese women are on this site, but they worked very well for me the last time out.

http://www.melindaspenpals.com/

Bill

[jal1122]

James:

I thought about Cherry Blossoms, but then I also didn't want to pay for a site, so I went with DIA.  My thought was, that I would be happy with just a pen pal at the very least and I didn't want to pay for that, considering how easily one can find people on forums/etc. to talk to.

I don't know about you, but I have noticed Filipinas seem to have a better grasp of English than Chinese women I have run across.  Although that's not necessarily a complete barier, when things are pretty much a penpal stage, communication (and lack of frustration from miscommunication) I think is important.

[Jeff S]

Well, yeah. All Filipinos are taught English and Filipino in school and pick up the local dialects from family and friends,  have been for many years. In China, they are taught Mandarin in schools, and pick up the local dialects from family and friends. English is an option - kind of like Spanish of French here, though they realize that if they expect to participate in the international community English is important. Your path to happiness may not always be the easiest one. As the Cowboy del Amor said: "I was married to an American  women for 17 1/2 years. She spoke perfect English and I never could understand her."

[Capstone]

If I was looking to meet Chinese girls who spoke English then I would download & install the QQ IM client onto my computer. QQ is by far the most used IM & Chat client in China - with over 600 million users. It is free and you can search out & chat with friends with the same interests, join or create chat groups, etc and many of the users speak excellent English - in fact many of the user groups center around practicing English skills. I believe that there is also a dating feature within QQ as well but I have no personal experience with it. I do know that there are several dating/love interest type groups on it though and it also has a hook into the World Friends Network.

Before my wife and I were married and while she was still in China we used QQ to chat with each other and I had plenty of women try to hit me up for conversation just because I had an English User name. It also has a decent video chat feature that works pretty well - my in-laws who are currently visiting us, use it every night to video chat with their 2 grandsons back in China.

There is an International version of QQ that you can easily download and install.

http://download.imqq.com/download.shtml

[jm21-2]

Chiming in here a bit late...

If you are not as comfortable with the dating sites and would like to brush up on Mandarin, why not try some of the language learning sites? There's a lot of places where you can exchange language lessons with people and there are loads of Chinese girls who want to practice English. Or as Capstone suggested, download QQ. Hell, just sit on QQ with an English name and American location and you'll probably meet a new person each day looking to practice English.