Another one abandons fiancée

[sawyer1370]

No woman in the world can make a man happy. You have to find happiness within yourself first.

Well put!  This goes back to the point I keep making about one of the reasons why I believe I was successful.  I spent a long time doing some self evaluation, and trying to get past a lot of the baggage I had from past relationships before I invested the time, effort and money going South.  If you don't have a clue, and can't be honest with yourself, then you re going to fail.  It doesn't matter if you are looking for a partner or running a business, or anything in life!

As far as language goes.  In the beginning, you should know some Spanish, and try and learn.  I knew more Spanish 9 years ago than I do now.  My wife spoke about as much English as I spoke Spanish when we met.  It was hard, but we could get our points across.  In the months we were waiting for the relationship to progress and develop, she took English lessons, and did a lot of work with the English/Spanish dictionary.  Once she got here, she took a job as a waitress, which forced her to really learn at an accelerated pace.  Within 2 years of being here, she was working towards becoming an RN.  She graduated in December second in her class!  Yup, the only non-native English speaking person, and she was second in the class!

If the lady isn't willing to learn and master English, then move on.  Unless you are going to live outside of the U.S.  in which case you should master Spanish!  No relationship can last if the couple doesn't speak the native language of the country they live in.  It would be far too difficult for a woman to live here and not speak the language.  I know one big thing my wife dealt with was feeling isolated because she didn't speak the language (according to her, but she spoke English pretty well, just had trouble understanding people when they spoke some times).

Granted we still watch TV with the closed captioning on, in case something is said that she missed.

As far as the age difference goes, it can work.  There are people here and other places that prove that.  The age difference is a challenge, and if both people are willing to work at the relationship, and they have enough in common, then why not.  But I think for the most part most guys looking to marry a girl 20 years or more younger than they are just aren't being realistic.

As far as the sex goes, well the passion does get reduced as the years go by.  Our challenge isn't that we don't desire each other as much as we did 7 years ago.  It is mostly we have 2 young children, and they don't allow us to spend nearly the time we use together before they were born.  We talked about this subject this past weekend.  The frequency and passion isn't always what it use to be 7-8 years ago, but isn't because we love each other less, or are less attracted to each other.  Life gets busy with kids, work, and everything else.  We still work hard at it, and we both try and keep the magic alive.  

Over all, both people in the relationship have to understand that being married is the hardest thing you will ever do in your life.  You have to be completely committed to it, and you both have to have the same outlook on how to do that.  Otherwise you will run into miscommunication and other issues that will errode things.  It's been a lot of work, but I'm still as happy as I was 8 years ago.  I just know a lot of things I didn't know then.

[mudd]

20 year old girl with not much of a  life experience, let alone  dating or relationship experience, marrying a man with 25 + age difference, oh sure, it will last. Sorry, maybe 10% of girls at this age are mature enough to handle a serious relationship, let alone with an older man who could be her father, but why put yourself through it, unless you just looking for some arm candy for a while. So many older men try this, that it’s laughable. Actually think  she is in love with them, more like, she is in love with the idea of dating a foreigner, somebody different, with money, different place to live. Sooner or later, the fantasy wears off and reality sets in. sort of like my friend.

Let’s put it this way, would you want your 20 year old daughter dating a 45+ year old man who is old enough to be her father??? I sure wouldn’t. The majority of girls don’t mature until after 25, at least from what I have dated and seen, but that’s just my observation. Not to sound so negative, but guys, you have to be realistic when dating a girl, and remember, when she go to the USA, her options are more open than before, and you might not look like the “ prince” you were 6 months before. Better know her well.

[Ray]

No Block, that is NOT what I am saying. Please pay attention... 

[P Daddy]

I understand where you're coming from Blockbuster, but my point is...someone who marries a foreign woman after just one trip (one that lasts no more than 2 weeks) is taking the same type of risk (if not greater) as someone who marries a girl who is 20 years younger, and has known her for more than a year with alot of face time.

NUFF SAID...

[papi]

Pdaddy, you are right and wrong. Some guys do hook up rather quickly and it works out. I have seen it happen. But you are right that taking it slow is the smart way to go. However, some guys don't have the time to do that...I am talking about a long term courtship/long distance. Frankly, i think a guy who is happy with his life and career and with game will do better focusing on that rather than learning spanish. Yet spanish is obviously a plus.

I have seen plenty of guys who spend a lot of time in colombia, speak spanish, yet are not hooked up. Proof is in the pudding and as i have said before there is a lot of gray. Yet, there are some good themes that are often discussed here for the newbies. I think i probably would have been better off had i read this stuff before going...yet, i might have never made the trip in the first place had i done so 

Ray, fyi, i start training (work) on April 10. Just enough time for a trip south beforehand 

[Ray]

  

Good for you Papi. I hope the job lasts longer than the one in Taiwan...  

[papi]

Taiwan wasn't really a job. It was my fantasy of trying teaching in Asia. I am going back to the real world where they pay money

[mudd]

follow up to the story, he is already looking for a new girl, probably because he was very heartbroken after she left him, not that he was completely perfect with everything he did. I asked him about the job at Subway, she told me he got her a job because she was just sitting around the house, doing nothing. Watching TV and internet and she didn’t want to go to ESL classes to learn English. And I was a little surprised by her reason for quitting after 2 days” I didn’t come to the USA to work for pennies”  well stupid, even at minimum wage, $ 250 a week is pretty good, when you have no bills.  How much do you think she was making in Colombia, maybe $ 500 per month, minus living expenses, rent, food, clothes. Some girls are so narrowing minded that they can’t see the” big picture”.  He though she was a really nice girl, and she was a “perfect actress who deserved an Oscar” for her performance, but I think he is as much to blame as her.

So now, he is looking for girls much older than 20 now, 28 and above. And I think he learned some good lessons from all of this. Don’t be in such a hurry to get married, take your time, and get to know her and her family well. Don’t present yourself as something you are not.

On another side note, about the age difference, and I know this is been debated to death, and all agencies will tell you “age is not an issue with latin women” they love older men, even with 20 to 30 year difference”.

I asked four friends of mine, one 24 married to a guy 50. Another one 22 who used to be in an agency, the other one 24 who also used to be in an agency. The last one 27 who also used to be in an agency. All but the one, who is married, said they would not look for a guy with more than a 15 year difference. As they said “why would I want to date some man who could be as old as my father”?   And the 24, married to the really older man, well, she is the one having problems with him that I wrote about months before. Now she sees they have nothing in common, he is old, little boring, short tempered and gets frustrated with her questions. And she is regretting that she married him. To each his own. Look in the mirror before heading down south.

[blockbuster]

Mudd,

 I think it's really easy for both parties to be somewhat infatuated with the thought of a new life and an exotic person. You have to admit the gringo may be a refreshing change from the average Colombiano. He is what she wants. A man who will be faithful and a good provider. Women tend to put the age issue and attractiveness on the backburner and convince themselves they can forfeit the physical attraction part as it is not so important(at the time) and compatibility will come in time.

  I had the same exact conversation with a woman who married a guy who is really a great guy. Successful, loyal,great personality ect. Thing is he's almost 50 and she is in her 20's. Her complaint is she is really turned off by having sex with him. His body is not attractive.Thing is, they've been married 2 or 3 years and he looked exactly the same back then. Why was his body acceptable bad when they were dating?? But he came with "the good life" and she turned a blind eye to his shortcomings. In fact,she's the one who insisted they get married right away, had a big wedding since he was the "love of her life"ect.She had just come from a bad relationship with a guy so this was her "Knight in shinning armor"

   Reality does'nt hit those young girls till they actually live with the guy. Especially when they live in the U.S. They start comparing themselves with all of the ugly AW out there married to guys their age . They see the ugly AW housewife gets to stay home with her kids(meanwhile he may have kids from a 1st marriage she has to put up with), live in a big house,drive a nice car plus get a husband who is close to her age and looks better than the wife. They begin to want more of the same. A guy close to their age who can offer exactly what the older guy offers.

   Remember, they come from a culture where they believe the older man is more financially set. They don't realize in the U.S. a man in his 30's can be just as set. They think an older man will not cheat. Yet they see the young family guy next door  is stable. They will not settle for making a little bit of money now if they work. They want to get paid! Otherwise, they are at some minimum paying job with a bunch of latinos and latinas asking her why she married an old gringo if she still has to work? All that is what effects her whole attitude after awhile.

[mudd]

Very true, and older men don’t see this and accept that it’s coming later. Once she is here, her options are way more open. if you were a 24 year old girl here, and if you had to chose between a 48 year old man and a 35 year old man, both with a good job, decent life style, normal personality( and I use that term loosely), both good looking but one is 13 years younger, who would you pick?? It happens. not to say, that a big age difference does work, sometimes it does, but not very often.

[blockbuster]

 a friend of mine is marrying a Filipina who at 20 is exactly 25 years younger than him. She is very much in love with him right now. But my friend is an average looking guy( a bit chubby) with an average salary. She will soon be going to school as she wants to be a nurse.

 I am hoping she does not look at him differently after a few years of marriage. But he knows all of the problems, with a young impressionable girl coming to the U.S. He is betting her love is deep. I asked him if he really believes a girl of 20 knows the meaning of love. Ironically, he was married young ,to a girl of 19. Before her 30th birthday she left him and declared she did not know what love was at that age, she just thought she was in love. But really just saw him as her rescuer ,since she was living in an abusive house where her parents fought constanly and her older brother had no goals . She romantisized marriage as it was her escape.

[papi]

i think the issue of age can vary by chica. Some young chicas want an older mature guy and are not hung up on age/looks others want a younger man. Like a lot of things in latin america, things are very gray. But going young can be risky biz

[utopiacowboy]

"If the lady isn't willing to learn and master English, then move on.  Unless you are going to live outside of the U.S.  in which case you should master Spanish!  No relationship can last if the couple doesn't speak the native language of the country they live in.  It would be far too difficult for a woman to live here and not speak the language."

Depends where in the US you live. Here in Texas, English is optional and I know many people here who can't speak English and live completely normal lives. My wife supervises a whole shift at her parts manufacturing plant and she can barely speak English. In fact I doubt that she will ever be what one could describe as fluent in English.

[mudd]

Follow up to my friend’s situation. After he called me a few times, I tried to explain to him, that it would be better to fight the accusations than just to ignore it and hope it goes away, which it won’t. I doubt he will do anything, some guys are hard headed and just don’t see the big picture, but what can you do.  Told him to hire a lawyer and show proof that she was lying about a lot of things, which he has some good proof of her doing so. I guess she is trying to either claim political asylum or go the abuse case with no financial support, because she does not have money to return home, job ect, since she was on a K1 and they did not get married in the USA yet

so now, he wants to sell everything and move to Colombia, but I think, and I could be wrong with this, if she pursues this case against him, and he does nothing, wouldn’t he be labeled as a " human trafficker" or suspected "fiancée abuser" by the US government, and wouldn’t they repot him to the government in which the girl came from, so he would not be allowed to re-file for another visa, let alone move to the country. ?

[william3rd]

The Duty of a petitioner is to notify the USCIS of his intentions not to marry the alien fiancee. Fortunately, unless he marries her, her abuse issues are not relevent and neither are her financial matters.

She may try an asylum case but that is not your friend's problem. The rest of the issues in your email are non-issues.

Tell your friend to send his letter and don't communicate with that one in the future. . . .

[soltero]

i think the issue of age can vary by chica. Some young chicas want an older mature guy and are not hung up on age/looks others want a younger man. Like a lot of things in latin america, things are very gray. But going young can be risky biz

You seem to be ignoring the natural truth of the above stories. Things get un-gray with options. If you go young, don't bring her here. If you do, pay heed to the stories posted above.

[doombug]

Looks like Willy3 nailed it as far as the marriage part is concerned.

To be eligible, the self-petitioning spouse must:

• be legally married to the U.S. citizen or lawful permanent resident batterer. A self-petition may be filed if the marriage was terminated by the abusive spouse’s death within the two years prior to filing. A self-petition may also be filed if the marriage to the abusive spouse was terminated, within the two years prior to filing, by divorce related to the abuse.
• have been battered in the United States, unless the abusive spouse is an employee of the United States government or a member of the uniformed services of the United States.
• have been battered or subjected to extreme cruelty during the marriage, or must be the parent of a child who was battered or subjected to extreme cruelty by the U.S. citizen or lawful permanent resident spouse during the marriage.
• be a person of good moral character.
• have entered into the marriage in good faith, not solely for the purpose of obtaining immigration benefits.

[...]

If you contemplate a self-petition for permanent residence as an abused spouse, you should know that copies of the following documentation and information will greatly help you prove your case. If possible, don’t leave your common residence without having any of these in your possession:

Regarding Underlying Marriage:
    Marriage Certificate;
    Divorce Decree, if applicable;

Proof of bona fide marriage

Regarding Abuse:
    Medical reports;
    Reports from psychologist or counselors;
    Police reports; and
    Any other substantiating evidence

http://www.immigrationvisausa.com/abused.html

But trafficking-- That's an area that the femihags in the shelters could weasel around if they're determined and venomous enough.

As relates to trafficking or abuse to non-immigrants (such as K-1 beneficiaries):

VAWA 2000 created a new non-immigrant visa that is available for certain crime survivors. This visa is available to survivors who have suffered substantial physical or emotional injury as a result of being subjected to specific crimes committed against them in the United States. [My emphasis.] In order to qualify for a U visa, a crime victim must:

• Show that she has suffered “substantial physical or mental abuse” as the result of a form of criminal activity (or “similar” activity);*
• Show that she possesses information concerning the criminal activity, AND
• Provide a certification from a federal, state or local law enforcement officer, prosecutor or judge or authority investigating the criminal activity designated in the statute that certifies that the victim has been helpful, is being helpful or is likely to be helpful in the investigation or prosecution of the crime.

*Criminal activity includes rape, torture, trafficking, incest, domestic violence [See this Wiki entry for an encyclopedic, and nearly all-encompassing definition], sexual assault, abusive sexual contact, prostitution, sexual exploitation, female genital mutilation, being held hostage, peonage, involuntary servitude, slave trade, kidnapping, abduction, unlawful criminal restraint, false imprisonment, blackmail, extortion, manslaughter, murder, felonious assault, witness tampering, obstruction of justice, perjury, or attempt, conspiracy or solicitation to commit any of the above mentioned crimes.

To be eligible for a trafficking visa [aka, a T visa], a non-citizen must show the following:

• She is or has been a victim of a severe form of trafficking;* [My emphasis]
• Is physically present in the United States or at a port of entry on account of trafficking;
• She has contacted a federal law enforcement agency (the BCIS, FBI, local US Attorneys Office or the Civil Rights Division of the Department of Justice) and has complied with any reasonable request for assistance in investigating or prosecuting trafficking; AND
• Would suffer extreme hardship involving unusual and severe harm upon removal.

*Severe forms of trafficking include: sex trafficking in which a commercial sex act is induced by force, fraud, or coercion, or in which the person induced to perform such act has not attained 18 years of age; or the recruitment, harboring, transportation, provision, or obtaining of a person for labor or service, through the use of force, fraud, or coercion for the purpose of subjection to involuntary servitude, peonage, debt bondage or slavery

http://www.tcfv.org/tcfv-content/policy.php?itemid=13

On the same page, there is listed a plethora of benefits open to these self-petitioners:

Are undocumented immigrants eligible for any public benefits?

Yes. All immigrants, regardless of their status or when they entered the county, are eligible for emergency benefits including:

• Emergency medical care, emergency Medicaid, immunizations, diagnosis and treatment of communicable diseases, emergency mental health and substance abuse services;
• WIC;
• Summer food programs and school lunch programs;
• Public education; and
• Any program necessary to protect life and safety that is not income conditional (shelters, food banks).

Workers at these programs are not required to ask for verification of immigration status. [Once again, my emphasis.]

Also, ...

Section 901(c) provides that aliens in the U.S. on K (fiance or spouse) and S (informant) visas, or pursuant to the visa waiver program, are not prohibited from qualifying for T and U visa status.
(See under: SUBTITLE A--VICTIMS OF CRIME)

In any case, very few of these visas are issued. See here, under the map labeled "Western Hemisphere".

Finally, here's a must read for all married males in the U.S. It's called, "What Happens When 911 Is Dialed".

Peace out, chicken wing!

[pan de bono]

I cant even begin to tell you how many times I have heard this type of story. Gringo goes to Colombia, meets hottie, gets married or does k-1, hottie comes to states, doesnt want to work, doesnt want to learn english, misses her family, decides the guy isnt good enough for her or rich enough for her, sneaks out the back door or worse accuses him of abuse. Going to Colombia to get a wife is a very complicated adventure, be careful you dont get hurt.

[geeciejay]

So what happens when a couple goes thru with the k1 and they do get marry then she decide that she wants to go back home.

[william3rd]

Assuming that you mean that she wants to leave never to return, she shold be served with divorce papers before she leaves and then she can default by not answering.

[Diablo]

I think its a bad idea to try large age differences, like 18 and a 70 yr old.  But if you feel like being stubborn and you still want this kind of thing  I suggest go to Colombia and stay there and you could pull it off. It wouldn't be for love though. And you probably wouldn't hook up with someone classy like a middle class girl. Forget upper class. Don't thing about coming back to the US.

[william3rd]

If an alien fiancee is trying for a T or U visa, I hope they are not holding their breath-well, maybe if their facts are as they must be to be grasping at those straws, holding their breath would be a proper ending.

As far as U visas are concerned, the US attorney's office here has filed a letter for a U visa ONCE for an alien's assistance in a criminal matter. My information is from the US goverment because I had a smuggling case last year where we were attempting to get a U visa.

To my knowledge, this jurisdiction has ZERO fiancees in the T program because there are a lot easier ways with low visibility.

[geeciejay]

What if she thinks once she is divorce that she can stay in the USA and find another husband to start another K1 visa. Will she have to go back home. 

[Ray]

What if she thinks once she is divorce that she can stay in the USA and find another husband to start another K1 visa. Will she have to go back home. 

If she married the fiancée petitioner within 90 days of arrival and then divorced, she will likely be able to stay here after the divorce as long as she can show that she entered into the marriage in good faith. If she is already here and then remarries after the divorce, there is no visa involved.

The CIS realizes that not all marriages are successful and couples do break up. If she already adjusted status and has her conditional 2-year Green Card, then there is a provision to allow her to request a waiver of the joint filing requirement for the Removal of Conditions on Residency (Form I-751). Once the divorce is final, she can file the I-751 and check a box indicating that she is divorced from the petitioner. She will have to include evidence that the marriage was genuine and not just a fraud to obtain a Green Card. The divorce has to be finalized when she files.

There are also provisions for self-filing the I-751 if the husband has died, the foreign spouse is still married but was battered, or if you can show extreme hardship if deported.

If she has her permanent 10-year Green Card and then divorces, she doesn’t have to file anything with CIS.

Ray

[Brainiac]

Ray, is that waiver a special form, or is it just checking the box on the I-751?