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My Journey

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Fosgate5:
My Journey
 
 
So really my journey started nearly 15 years ago. I was 30 then and I noticed something in the dating scene that really changed when I hit that age. I could not put my finger on it at the time, but I knew I had doubts about finding marriage material. Friend of a friend brought a Columbian woman by and she was super cool enough that I browsed the online dating-“Mail order bride”-etc sites. I was intrigued but at the time my business was really struggling and loosing money so I certainly could not justify a trip. Also there was in the back of my mind the “Mail order bride” idea of what people would think. Five years went by and I dated/one night standed several women until about 2008. I met a woman on a blind date that a friend set me up with by asking me on the phone if I’d like to go out with a friend of his with big tits and likes to f#$k. Well, I was sold. Little did I know that would waste 5 years of my life with about 3 of them being a toxic relationship.
I reflected back on what went wrong with friends. I thought back to about 2 months into the relationship when I didn’t listen to that little voice in my head that told me to hang up the phone and walk away when she tried to pick a fight one morning over the phone. I didn’t though. For some reason I thought to myself, “Man, not everyone is happy in their marriage, if you want to make it work sometimes you have to eat a chit sandwich.” Little did I know that would be a regular daily meal. For 5 years I submitted myself to the torture before we parted ways.
I learned a lot from that breakup. First, she was a total feminist whether she admitted it or not and if she threw accusations it was not really because she thought I was doing it. It was more she was doing whatever she was accusing you of or lecturing you not to do and didn’t want to get caught. Though she was the cream of the crop I discovered after living with her for five years there were many of the same characteristics I saw in many of my other women failures.
My parents divorced back when I was in 5th grade in the late 70’s. My mother was a stay at home mom and I had sold myself I wanted a woman that was like one of the guys, successful career and I’m not going to get divorced and put my kids through the emotional trauma I did when I was a kid. Or so I thought. I’d always targeted women with successful careers and realized I was going after the wrong type of women. Feminists were right long ago that women were not being treated right. What I found though since splitting with that 5 year long term fiancé and after dating several women after her was that women in American are acting just as badly.
In my humble opinion American women have given up in maintaining a family for the most part. I was banging the cool one of the guys-likes to F$%k-very little respect for men until I hit the point where the women who wanted families already were in one, divorced with serious trust issues, or just plain f’ing mean with low self esteem.
What to do though? Go back to the bar scene? Pickup chicks at church, grocery store, Tinder, POF? I tried POF and while it was easy to get laid, every one of those women was an absolute train wreck. That’s when I recall sitting in a healthcare class in college, me and another non traditional student and about 30 20yr olds. The instructor asked for a show of hands of who has dated someone they met online before. Me and the other non trad look and giggle, but when we looked behind us we were the only ones who didn’t have our hands raised. I then realized that online dating was a stigma that ended awhile ago. About this time I saw an old Army friend had just had a kid with his Filipina bride whom he married a couple years before. That’s when I found this site and just read and watched for a couple months. I was thinking of looking for a Columbian woman as I found Latinas very attractive. Then someone here began chatting about Filipinas, Spanish history of the Philippines and difference in temperament/cultures. That’s when I started looking more seriously at Filipinas and got on a couple dating sites to meet them. I just looked for a couple months and learned the routine of the scammers and learned quickly how to avoid them and listen to the voice in my head. At this time I had just gotten out of college, moved in with my brother, no job and didn’t have two nickels to rub together.
I chatted a couple Filipina’s that were not scammers but quickly saying “I love you” which freaked me out thinking they were weird and dropped them. Again I did not fully understand the culture. I approached one woman named Anabelle. Attractive little Latina looking Filipina. At first, she thought I was some player (She told me a couple months later.). I had about 200 screening questions I asked her and she also asked some back and we both passed each others questions with flying colors. Mind you It wasn’t like an exam. Conversation surrounded each question. About 3 four weeks (If that) of chatting and skyping daily and she started to say “I love you” and I decided to roll with it. Never looked back, within about 6 months I transitioned to a decent job and moved out of my brothers and 9 months relocated to the opposite side of the state.
Things by all means were not always smooth, come to find out Anabelle had broken up with a Filipino man that had a stalking issue. I did not learn of this for about 6 months, It was just some random text via Facebook in the middle of the night. She told me it was her ex and that she was with friends and that he was there and had used her phone when she wasn’t aware. We chatted about it a little and it satisfied my red flag. About a year later it came up again a bit more serious as I was concerned about videos I had watched about a common problem is women are often still married and trying to get away but will never be able to leave the country because their husbands will not divorce them. I quickly learned inconsistencies in the guys claims and he popped up about every 6 months and became a real problem when he came into her office and swiped her phone from her. I chatted with some friends and family and I worried about her safety enough for a while that I even considered just breaking up with her for her safety. I found out abuse towards women is often not investigated or addressed in the Philippines. I always had my head on a swivel of the possibility of a scam but at some point I just extended some trust (not blind trust) after I educated myself and thought about things a bit before acting brash.
I finally went to see her in April of 2017. Picked her up in Manila and went to Coron for a few days and then to Bohol for a few days. She was quickly more that I expected as without knowing it she was superseding every day with her actions. It was like reuniting with a old friend who never left. She was totally the negotiator when it came to dealing with cab drivers and merchants.  As we were leaving Coron I tested her when I discovered one of our tours was not billed to our room. Rather than notifying the receptionist right away I wanted to see Anabelle’s reaction would be as to her character. I told her and her response was, “You need to let them know Mahal (my love), someone will have to pay it…and god will know if you don’t.” I was wowed by that response. At that moment I knew she was the one. She had always been supportive, showed great empathy and great respect and had the idea I would probably propose to here while there. This was the moment that I realized to myself how lucky I was and don’t eff this up dummy.
Money- So after I proposed to her in Bohol we made plans to pick out a ring in Mall of Asia in Manila. I asked how much does she think I should spend on a ring for her. She said it was up to me but she will pick out the ring. $10k I asked her and the response was a look at me and an instant reply “That’s too much!”
“$5k” “Too Much!!”
 “A Grand?”
 “No mahal, too much.”
“Um, OK.”
We set out to the mall and she would walk out of a jewelry store as fast as she walked in. “Too expensive.” We essentially walked into one that the jewelry was used and about 15 minutes she had two picked out and asked my opinion on them. She settled on one and I handed her $1000 cash to pay for it which she did and then promptly handed back all but $150 of the $1k I had given her. “Are you ?hitting me?” I’m thinking. Then I’m thinking, crap she makes about the equivalent of $5 a day, sends 1/3 of that to her mother so she really knows what $1 is worth. All through 2 ½ years she had never asked for a dime. Once I proposed to her I flew home I looked at money differently and my responsibility to her now. I offered money on a monthly basis and she would often turn it down or ask for maybe $100 to help with some bills while she made plans to her final trip home to see her family before she came here.
               She flew here on Sept 1st and we married on Oct 18th. I gotta say, best decision of my life. I’m fortunate enough to work from home and she will sit on the couch next to my desk while I work and keep herself occupied in silence. She just enjoys being in my presence and we can hours without silence and my first thought is she doesn’t flip out thinking I’m pissed at her like so many women of my past. However, she can read my expressions like a book. She knows immediately if I’m worried, stressed, pissed etc and she confides in me and can calm me like no one else.
               So how’s family and friends? I’ll tell you what, you will never be asked, “So how did you two meet.” So much. I disassociated myself from two family members, one being my mother in the last year. They have both had it coming but I had learned both of them where scheming, planting the seed and providing the fertilizer that was TNT in my old fiancé. I was sure as He L L not going to expose Ana to those two hens. I learned quickly that as many people that wish you well there are equal number that just wanna see a good crash and they want to be a part of it. My typical response to the above question, “I found her on the inside cover of Filipina mail order bride monthly.”. They usually look at you like a deer in headlights as you look at them straight faced. Then I laugh to break the moment and they will often be dumb enough to ask again. That’s when I tell them “Online…Not Mail order bride….Gave up on American women, think most my age are disrespectful feminist C U N T S anymore” and that answers that question. I swear when I was going to the Philippines I’m pretty sure some of them thought I was going for sex tourism. I just don’t care about hurting their feelings for trying to put me or her on the spot. It’s me and Ana Vs. The World. You’ll really know who the people you care to associate with real quick after you shake them up. I don’t discuss with Anabelle about racism, politics etc. I made the decision to let her form her own opinion about those topics without me stating mine. I’m lucky enough to have a few close friends who’s wives have been a tremendous help as well. Me being a guy I don’t fully understand some girl things. For instance, I thought I would have to buy her an entirely different wardrobe moving to a cold climate. Two of them shared that that’s not necessary and that clothes are really an part of who they are. Just buy some things to allow here to layer with what she already has without looking like a marshmallow. So instead of buying a whole new wardrobe we wound up just buying a good Columbia Coat, hat, gloves, Cuddle Duds thermals for women, socks, warmer leggings, few long sleeve [snip]s and that’s about it.
               Visa process. If there was one thing I would change I would have not gone the K1 route and gotten married in the Philippines and applied for the CR1. Why? That whole proving a Bona Fide Relationship is up to some desk jockey’s opinion and it is not always easy to provide the documentation for that. We were denied at first and I quickly contacted my congressmen and wrote an email to them and the consulate. The consulate saw in my letter the reason I had not met her parents and no photos was because they are in Mindanao which is against the travel advisory of the Embassy. Called me in the middle of the night and they reversed the decision which just doesn’t freakin happen from my understanding. So we caught a unicorn after being smashed. We were simply lucky. I was facing having to go marry her there and file a CR1 or hire an attorney to fight a lost cause which would not be cheap. This is why I say just marry and apply for the CR1. It’ll save you headache and heartache.
               I love every day and night with her. She is soft spoken, shy and laughs a lot….I mean a lot. We were watching Joe Koy a comedian with filipino ancestry doing his stand up on Netflix when he menitons his mother cursing his sisters about “Throwing your pek pek at everybody.” And she bust out laughing. Of course I ask and she tell what “Pek Pek” means. We have these laughs about American sayings also. Her mother never taught her how to cook but that’s ok as I love to cook. She watches me in the kitchen and cleans as I go which is awesome. She takes the cleaning responsibilities and I make one rice dish a day for her as I cook a mean Pork/Chicken Adobo (9 out of 10 on her scale), Filipino Fried Rice, Pork Calderata and we explore other Japanese, Vietmanese, Indian, Spanish, Mexican and American Dishes. One of her favs is an aged Angus beef steak seared and braised in a cast iron pan served with Asparagus fried in garlic and olive oil with plain jasmine rice. She clearly makes her love for me known to me and others in very tasteful ways.
               If you’re  on the fence. Don’t worry what people think. People are like crabs in a bucket in that they will pull your azz back in to keep you from escaping, you can escape if there no other crabs in your bucket. You and your woman are all that matters. Stop wasting time, keep your head on a swivel and go. There are plenty of people her to offer solid advise. Look for solutions around a problem rather than “Don’t, No”. 
Me and Ana.... our journey has just started.







               

mambocowboy:
Glad you found happiness Fosgate. As long as you two don't let others come between you, you should be fine. Congrats!!!

robert angel:

--- Quote from: mambocowboy on October 26, 2018, 01:46:07 PM ---Glad you found happiness Fosgate. As long as you two don't let others come between you, you should be fine. Congrats!!!

--- End quote ---

Ditto. And certainly some lessons to be learned from Fos's experience. I wonder if the drastic shift on K1 visas not being as 'user friendly' as spousal visas these days holds true for other nations besides the Philippines?

I mentioned it to my wife and she said that the USCIS has been rejecting a LOT more K1's lately, and NOT just for serious things like criminal records or because one party still not legally 'single', etc.

She told me that things that used to be fixed easily,  like you filled out a form wrong by mistake (and the forms CAN be confusing) are no longer necessarily easily remedied.

Whereas before, they told you what you did wrong and you redid a particular form, perhaps resubmitting a payment a 2nd time, now your K1 visa is increasingly simply rejected

Also, another person who's been through this, said that certain matchmaking websites for the Philippines had a bad rep with USCIS and best to steer clear.

So it's gotten harder and even if you do everything right, slower and more expensive.

Yea, it involves at least one or more trips to marry her in her country and then file for a spousal visa, but it seems like that's where things are headed if you want it as 'fool proof' as possible.

If the K1 goes awry on you, getting a lawyer and dragging it out is probably going to take another trip, plus add in legal and USCIS costs all over again. And as seemingly always, longer delays.

And, as Fos pointed out, getting the USCIS to change their mind after the fact, is almost like catching a unicorn.

robert angel:

--- Quote from: Fosgate5 on October 25, 2018, 08:05:39 PM ---
 
 Her mother never taught her how to cook but that’s ok as I love to cook. She watches me in the kitchen and cleans as I go which is awesome. She takes the cleaning responsibilities and I make one rice dish a day for her as I cook a mean Pork/Chicken Adobo (9 out of 10 on her scale), Filipino Fried Rice, Pork Calderata and we explore other Japanese, Vietmanese, Indian, Spanish, Mexican and American Dishes. One of her favs is an aged Angus beef steak seared and braised in a cast iron pan served with Asparagus fried in garlic and olive oil with plain jasmine rice. She clearly makes her love for me known to me and others in very tasteful ways.
               
Me and Ana.... our journey has just started.


             

--- End quote ---

Did you guys with foreign wives find them to be pretty good, versatile cooks when they got here?

Fosgate's description is not unusual in the Philippines this generation. While both my wife's parents were college graduates, they decided early on, that a rural farming life was what they wanted for a their family.

That said, they expected their children to at least by also having an education, to have a choice besides between a rural, agricultural life, to also be well educated and able to get (for that country) what constituted a good corporate job in a city, either there or hopefully abroad.

Many years when the crops were bad and/or crop prices low, they struggled. But for the most part, especially for the younger children later on, private school was their choice and money for that came before Christmas and birthday presents. 

Actually, while Christmas and birthday are HUGE events over there, gifts and presents aren't a big part of it for most families. My wife's family always celebrated them, but the means and inclination for 'gifts, presents' wasn't there. Sentimental people yes, but eminently practical.

Tuition due dates and as the practice there, paying for each upcoming exam (or otherwise being booted out of school) were tense, high priority times.

No govt. student loans there.

Not quite as intense as Japan, but make no mistake, many parents, including my inlaws, raised my wife and her siblings to above all, excel in school.

Learning to bake, to cook dishes much beyond the all important pot of rice, was not a priority. Preparing for an adulthood, with options that might promise a better life, WAS.

My wife was raised with great values, moral character, but not to be, as the USA term says, be "Susie homemaker".

But her deeply ingrained values and moral character have made her a fantastic stepmother, example for my sons. And a fantastic wife, who nonetheless tolerates my 'rough edges' and tries to praise me if I do anything remotely admirable. (like wash the dishes)


They graduate from high school over there at age 16. By that age, if my wife and her siblings had shown enough maturity, They were allowed to move to the big city, three hours away to attend college on their own.

Incredibly, my wife had a five year university degree in both computer hardware and software engineering right about the time she turned 20 years old.

Fosgate's wife Ana, went to a very fine University.

But like Ana, the pay for the job after graduation was awful. With so many families having huge amounts of kids, unemployment is incredibly high in the Philippines. Especially for women.

In her Senior year, my wife worked an internship for Coca Cola. That's Philippines, NOT USA Coca Cola. Way different. But they liked her a lot, as she's beautiful, smart and hard-working. Plus she could tolerate their 'boys will be boys' mindset and so they hired her on after graduation-- but as is common there, only as a 'contract' worker.

She was the only female amongst a bunch of guys and they were often rude 'dudes' making fun of the 'cute girl'-- sexist behaviors that'd get people fired in the USA as of late.


But that contract work scenario, is also increasingly the same here, where our US postal mail is delivered by a contract worker, making about $10 an hour, w/o benefits.

But anyway, my wife worked 6 days a week, 12 hours a day. Then, once a month, working in logistics, she even had to come in on Sundays for inventory.

Like Ana, despite making little money, my wife, the eldest daughter, always sent money home, in her case, to help pay for her younger sibling's tuition.

Between helping her family and rushing to the internet cafe to pay to chat and webcam me (and NEVER asking me for a single peso) for four years, she usually didn't have enough money for meat, not fish, chicken, never mind beef.

it was "veggies and rice" most nights.

To her, a fast food hamburger was like lobster at a five star restaurant here.

If they were guys, they'd probably make more money, but that's just how life is in the Philippines. There, if you're female, don't have a college degree, aren't physically beautiful and are under age 25, your chances of getting a good job as a sales girl in the mall, never mind with a huge corporation, decline drastically. If you DO qualify, the pay, contract or otherwise, is peanuts.

A woman gets closer to age 30 there and getting a good, career type job is very unlikely. Again, with too many young people, guys get the best shots.

After all, literally thousands of people will line up to take that same job, although not true as much as they pretend, They think guys are the responsible 'breadwinners'

As soon as word gets out, the line's a mile+ long and getting a jobs like winning the lottery....

Then finally, against long odds, Coca Cola was decided to make my wife a 'regular', a non 6 month contract employee, after a lot of previous contract renewals.

But by that time, she and I were serious. She had to gamble. To take weeks off to spend time with me meant resigning. Future employers would surely wonder why a Filipina left such a fortunate position. Pretty much career suicide.

Thank God she took the gamble and I think we both, but especially me, won that gamble.

And when when she arrived here, like Ana, she didn't really know how to cook. And even then, a lot of things, appliances, foods, recipes here were a lot different than what's over there.

Eventually, my wife caught on (I don't cook a whole lot, so that was good) but we had some hilarious moments getting there and things like the: " Two Ingredient Cookbook" ( Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup and pork chops or  chicken, etc) weren't of much help. Cook books in general weren't.

It's like riding a bike-- a book doesn't help too much.

We had some hilarious disasters, as mentioned once when I was at work, her correctly slicing the frozen 'slice and bake' chocolate chip cookies in the oven and baking for twenty minutes, then when smoke started filling the kitchen, not realizing they didn't mean the MICROWAVE oven! (Not that bad, kinda smelled like VERY roasted coffee for a few days, LOL....)

But hey, before you think "DUMB" -- I remember when microwave ovens first came out. My older sister thought it was so cool that you could make microwave popcorn in paper bags. So she figured, 'Why not use Tupperware?'

Tupperware then wasn't microwave cool. It melted and we had a weird kind of carmel corn stuck to the oven! Mom was NOT happy!

Thankfully, my wife at least chose a ceramic plate rather than metal for the microwave!

But we've basically worked together in the kitchen to learn, which we still do to an extent, and it was, it is still, fun and romantic!

Ask a lot of woman and they'll tell you that they find their husbands working in the kitchen with them, fun-- even messy, erotic fun at times!!

My wife's in the kitchen now, whipping up something that smells mighty fine, but the critically vital to the SEC championship Georgia--Florida football game is starting, so she'll have to do it solo!!!

We'll have to work together on 'dessert' after..... ;)

mambocowboy:
My wife is a very good cook. Cooked all my meals for me when I was visiting her in Colombia too. No matter how angry she's gotten with me at times during our 6.5 year marriage,  she cooks for me without my ever asking or demanding....

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