Women who live with married (separated) men

[cantlose]

I discovered shortly after starting communications with a couple of woman, that they had lived with married (but separated) men.  Both were living in Chile at the time.

The one gal, a Colombian living in Santiago, hooked up with a Chilean man who supposedly had separated from his wife 20 years ago, at a time when divorce was illegal.  In 2004 divorce became legal, but he never bothered to get divorced.  Meanwhile, she was in Chile illegally, since he failed to file the papers required for her to remain in the country.  Consequently, she paid a fine and returned to Bogota.

Questions to ponder: 

Is this a messy situation to avoid, and what do you make of a woman who lives with a married man?

Thanks

[michaelb]

Is this a messy situation to avoid

You have to ask?

she was in Chile illegally, since he failed to file the papers required for her to remain

Since he failed to file the papers? Exactly what standing does he have to file papers on her behalf? Not married to her, not related to her, not even legally free to marry her if he claimed he wanted to.......why would he file papers on her behalf?  I think you lost something in the translation and/or somebody thinks you'll swallow what ever cock and bull story they dream up.

[william3rd]

the woman who lives with a separated but married man? Hmmm, do we want to bring in our morale values here? Or do we even care? What is her feeling on married women who cheat or married men who cheat? A little more on point, maybe?

[Researcher]

      Hey catlose,  haven't you heard? all these SA women are complete angels
     Run like the wind! There are enough good ones out there to not get involved in something     like this.


  Researcher

[utopiacowboy]

Tell her you're married but separated and living with a woman. See how she responds.

[raycjs]

Catlose

This makes no sense .... why would he offer to file any paperwork... he can not marry this women... are you telling me this women is so desperate to get out of Colombia she would go and live with a man she could never marry......

Run don't walk....

there are better women out there.....

Ray

[Researcher]

Tell her you're married but separated and living with a woman. See how she responds.

     Good idea UC!

[cantlose]

I probably messed up the translation.  I think she was saying that her visa expired and she was not able to renew it, so she left because she did not want to be there illegally.  And he would not divorce so that they could marry.  Of course she is critical of him for his crude nature.

Where do you go to find woman who don't have children, don't shack up with married guys, don't see you as just another ATM, and are attractive?  I also discovered that one of the gals, who speaks English fluently, lied about her age.  Ironically I didn't trust her after receiving her first email

It looks like I am starting over.  The gal that seems cold appears doesn't even bother to ask me any questions, and continues with her short uninspiring responses.  I guess since nothing else is going I might as well chat with her once a week and perhaps meet.

It sure is good to have forums like this.

[robert angel]

Cantlose,

Regarding your statement: >>Where do you go to find woman who don't have children, don't shack up with married guys, don't see you as just another ATM, and are attractive?  I also discovered that one of the gals, who speaks English fluently, lied about her age.  Ironically I didn't trust her after receiving her first email<<

Well bud, you might want to change your name to CANTWIN!. And my name too! I have done relatively well, while taking my share of knocks, and I definitely wouldn't call my (second) wife a liar. She's got a moral compass a lot steadier than my own, But I have learned in a natural way things I didn't realize that I'd come to wish she'd told me before--nothing immoral--mostly cultural and family dynamics that have added 'interest' to our lives. It wouldn't have stopped me from asking her to marry me all over again and we had literally years to sort it out before I finally asked for her hand. Maybe we just never got around to it, despite years of conversing.

Women are just very different than men and what they feel is important to tell us may be different than what we feel we ought to know. Cultural differences and language differences add to the challenge.

Well, maybe we 'almost' can't win--there's all kinds of lies, half truths, etc. Sometimes the worst 'lies' are things they 'forgot' to tell you, things left unsaid--untold--whether you asked or not. Some women feel shy--even embarrassed about aspects of their culture, past events in their and their family's lives that they may not, or not until much later, tell you.

In reality, usually, like mama said, "It all comes out in the wash"....(eventually anyway)

To make matters worse, there are some things about life and women I wish I never knew! I love the line in Bob Seger's song "Against the Wind', regarding youth, versus having some age and experience: "Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then"

So there are 'lies' white lies, lies of ommission, sins, cardinal sins, on and on.

I think that the best we can do is to keep on keeping on and realizing no one's perfect, just keep on trying to find a gal who seems to be 'steady as she goes'. It takes a long time of chatting about different subjects and under different conditions, stress levels, etc. Is she there when she says she's going to be consistently? Are there new and unusual excuses for missing chats when she says she's going to be there? Read body language. I've seen gals chat four guys on cam at once--they tend to have poker faces or Mona Lisa smiles the whole time.

You REALLY should meet her on her turf, I feel. See what she's like around her family. What about her friends--are they a loose, wild and crazy bunch? Do they change frequently? Has she grown up with family enough to learn how to communicate--to fight and make up? Siblings are usually a good sign--unless you're likely to be expected to financially support them for life...

My first wife was an orphan and couldn't do any that. I felt sorry for her and that was part of the reason why I married her. Feeling sorry or pitiful for someone should not be reasons for wanting to marry them! She internalized her discontent until it would reach a boiling point after a long, long time of cool silence. It wasn't anything overtly crazy that effected the kids outright, but it was dysfunctional. Communication is vital. My wife and I have occasional arguments and I explain to my sons that's us communicating and resolving things--they're cool with it.

Don't think of marrying someone with a couple bad habits and think "Oh once we're married a while, that'll work itself out" It won't.

I'd be real leery of any gal living with even a separated guy, regardless of the nation's divorce laws.. Sounds too much like 'Mistress' to me.

You've probably seen the great film "The Shawshank Redemption"--If not, check it out. One of the great lines in that flick is when one convict tries to explain to anther in their prison that he's actually--REALLY innocent--an older con replies to him:--"Yes--I know--we're ALL innocent in here!" There's a certain wisdom in that line, a certain truth in what we want to believe--versus the reality of the truth that applies to probably each and everyone of us....

Don't expect perfection or an angel, Cantlose, but keep trying, don't rush and you might get halfway there and be happy yet!

[raycjs]

Robert

you nailed it right on the head.... Very well put... I agree with you 100%

i hope everyone on this board reads what you have written........


Ray

[robert angel]

Thanks Ray,

I think as usual, I was too 'wordy' and you're nice to say I 'hit it on the head'. Yea--maybe a hundred times!

Anyways, I enjoy your posts too. You have a lot of good info and are nice enough to share it. Most people are nervous about going somewhere real different the first time. The US State Dept kind of skews reality with their advisories and guys like you help to balance out the truth.

I've never gotten much further south than the Yucatan, but one of these days I'm definitely heading down there. Lots of things to see between the women and the natural beauty of the land--every thing from fire to ice on both accounts, I figure...

[Researcher]

   cantlose and Robert,

         You can get many different opinions about women when it comes to this because guys are looking for different things.From virtuous virgins to hookers with hearts of gold and everything in between. The question is what are you guys looking for in a woman and are you willing to do what it takes to find it? I found a good woman.She greets me everyday when I get home from work with a big smile on her face and a kiss hello.Deciding what I wanted in a woman and what was most important to me took longer than actually finding it.Once I knew I became picky and would not settle for anything different.

       The reason I suggested that cantlose run is that it seemed the situation seemed to bother him.As far as finding a place where the women don't live with married men,or have children,etc..There are women that are probably what you guys are looking for, you just have to go and find them.


   Researcher

[robert angel]

Researcher:

Regarding >>The question is what are you guys looking for in a woman and are you willing to do what it takes to find it? I found a good woman.She greets me everyday when I get home from work with a big smile on her face and a kiss hello. Deciding what I wanted in a woman and what was most important to me took longer than actually finding it.Once I knew I became picky and would not settle for anything different.<<

Yes, deciding what you want in a woman beforehand is important, although sometimes what we think we want and what's actually best for us are two different things. None the less, we need to start somewhere, setting parameters,  making plans of action and following through on the plans.

I was married to my first wife, also a Filipina for 14 years. I courted my second wife for almost four years, visiting the Philippines for several weeks at a time, staying with her family, meeting her friends and co workers, etc before marrying her four years ago.

That was my 'research'.

I have a much better marriage now than ever before and you might (or might not)  be interested to know why. It's because we talk about everything and sometimes that includes things that upset us. In my prior posts, I have mentioned that regardless of a womans best intentions in saying life in the US will not change them, it does, to varying exents in each individual. Fortunately the strong values of loyalty and affection that my wife was raised on have remained strong in her character to this day.

My wife and I discussed many, many things about life in the USA and our habits and things that might possibly be problematic later on, way before we wed. We discussed in particular my two American raised sons and the challenges raising boys here versus back in the RP. In all good faith, she said she'd love them like her own. easier said than done.

She has shown tremendous patience and poise and has given me excellent council on disiplinary and other matters with my sons, but it's been the biggest strain on our marriage. BUT--we work on it. Nonetheless, she is an excellent Step Mom. My sons respect her for many, many reasons.

Rarely do a few days go by without us looking 8 or so years ahead to the time when we'll no longer work, have a primary home in which to reside in her native country and spend a month or two in the states. We already have land in several places. We can deal with the daily ups and occasional downs and still see the bigger picture.

Sure, when we get home from work we have our kisses and discussions of our respective days. Even on the odd occasion where we have a somewhat tense discussion (out right arguments are exceedingly rare) we don't take it to bed with us.

A marriage is like a sports car--it requires regular car and maintainance if it's going to run right. If a car uses gasoline, it really RUNS on oil for survival.

It's my humble opinion that a marriage RUNS on effective, open communication  and that's it--communication is the essential oil to our marriage.

As per your concluding statement:


>>There are women that are probably what you guys are looking for, you just have to go and find them.<<

Yes, I agree--and also about the importance in being 'picky'--good women just don't fall out of the sky!

Have a great holiday season!

[cantlose]

Robert, Ray, Researcher, and everyone else,

Those are all great comments.  You are absolutely right about not pursuing someone I feel uncomfortable with.  It certainly doesn't make much sense to take on the time, additional risk, and financial burden associated with this process, to find someone who I have significant second thoughts about.