Ménage à Trois con las Mexicanas; y Infidelidad Mexicana

[doombug]

A popular and funny columnist with OC Weekly writes a periodic column titled, "¡Ask a Mexican!"  

Here are a few recent samples:

Dear Mexican,
I am obsessed with Mexican women—however, I am married to a gabacha. My wife wants to indulge my rampant fantasies by looking for a Mexican mujer to have a threesome with us. But we can’t seem to find anyone willing. We’ve had better luck finding white participants, but I am not interested in them. Are threesomes a Mexican thing?
--Ménage a Tres

Dear Gabacho,
I asked 10 Mexican women and 10 males whether they enjoy the occasional group grope. Y el survey says . . . negatory for the ladies, sí for one guy (with my gabacha ex, it turns out—oh, the curses and putazos exchanged after that surprise!). “Threesomes with Mexicans? Hell, I have a hard enough time getting into a twosome with any race,” went the typical response. The results didn’t surprise me. Don’t believe Y Tu Mamá También: threesomes just aren’t part of the Mexican sexual vocabulary. Blowjobs (also known as “soplazos”)? Sure! Anal? Of course! Infidelity? See below! But not threesomes, Ménage—perdónanos. If you want some brown sugar to sweeten your relationship, buy a bag of C&H and dump it on your bed.

Dear Mexican,
Why is it that from my personal, thoroughly unscientific observations it seems blue-collar, illiterate Mexicans are more prone to cheating on their wives than other races? Almost every other Mexican I have known seems to brag about how they got it on with their mamacitas while their wife and daughters of 7 and 8 were busy at the Sunday church.
--Cheatie Cheatie Bang Bang

Dear Gabacho,
You’re right—sort of. In the landmark 1994 Sex in America: A Definitive Survey, researchers from the University of Chicago interviewed a random sample of 3,500 Americans and found that 25 percent of married men had strayed from their vows. Latino rates of infidelity were about the same, and lead researcher Edward Laumann told Hispanic Magazine that “he believed the stereotype of Latinos being more unfaithful than other people was overstated.” But there weren’t enough funds to create a Spanish-language questionnaire, meaning most of the 300 or so Latinos surveyed were pochos and not immigrant Mexican men. In the mother country, though, male infidelity is as Mexican as the tricolor—condoned by the church, tolerated by women, lionized in song. My favorite paean to cheating remains “Las Ferias de las Flores” (“The Flower Fairs”), a Chucho Monge composition immortalized by Trio Calavera that uses flowers as metaphors for mujeres and includes the immortal verse “And although another wants to cut her/I saw her first/And I vow to steal her/Even if she has a gardener.” So the question isn’t why Mexican men cheat, Cheatie, but rather why we tone down our tools upon immigrating to this country. Notch another victory for Manifest Destiny, which since the days of Cotton Mather has labored long and hard to turn this nation’s virile ethnic men into pussy Protestants.

Dear Mexican,
What is it with Mexicans and jaywalking? I work in SanTana, and from my office (high atop a building in downtown) I see countless daily near-disasters involving Mexicans and fast-moving cars. What gives? No crosswalks in Mexico?
--Run, Don't Walk

Dear Gabacho,
Try no streets. Although the number of urban Mexicans immigrating to el Norte is on the rise—Tulane University sociologist Elizabeth Fussell estimated in her 2004 paper “Sources of Mexico’s Migration Stream: Rural, Urban, and Border Migrants to the United States” that 61 percent of Mexican immigrants in 2000 came from cities with populations of at least 15,000—most streets in Mexico still lack such amenities as stoplights, stop signs or even lanes. Mexicans learn to navigate these mean calles from a young age and keep this mentality upon sneaking into the United States, where they find everything so orderly, so preplanned, so . . . lame. We ignored the jagged fence, deserts and Minutemen that separate the United States from Mexico—what makes you think we’re going to obey a pinche “Yield” sign?

Why is it that many (I won’t say most) Mexicans don’t bother to become U.S. citizens, buy homes and get educated? So many things are offered here, and I don’t see Mexicans take the time to better themselves. I see other ethnic groups like the Asians and Cubans go a lot further to establish themselves in this country. I think its the “cangrejo theory,” myself.
--Curious Michoacano Mexican

Dear Wab,
You’re referring to the “crab theory,” a train of thought popular amongst Chicano scholars that posits Mexicans act like crabs in a vat by pulling back the brave few who seek a better life. The stats seem to prove it: a 2003 study by the Urban Institute showed only 34 percent of eligible Mexicans naturalized during 2001; by comparison, 67 percent of eligible Asians and 58 percent of other Latin American immigrants became citizens that year.

But there isn’t a cultural explanation to the phenomenon, Michoacano Mexican. Most of the Mexicans in my life came to this country illegally, became legal due to marrying citizens or the 1986 amnesty, bought their homes and learned just enough English to vote for Loretta Sanchez every two years. I know Mexicans who still aren’t citizens but nevertheless own businesses, homes and trucks large enough to cart a brass banda down Bristol Street. The fact that they left the land of their ancestors for a country that despises them is proof enough the Mexicans here are those brave few who escaped the stagflating masses. Compare that with the gabacho citizens of this country, who get fat and watch Dancing With the Stars as Mexicans reconquistan the land.

[For those who think this derogatory--get a grip.  The writer is actually un-"pc" enough to provide some decent cultural perspective mixed in with the humor.]