Rookie seeks advice

[JasonA]

Happy holidays, everyone!

I am a 37 year-old health professional from middle TN. I have no kids and never married. I am looking for marriage, the 2.2 kids, a dog and a house in the 'burbs. It's the first two things that are proving to be tougher to come by... Ha!

After getting a recommendation from a friend who met a great woman from Peru, I signed up on LAC a month ago. After contact with a possible scammer and a nice woman from Peru who I decided to cut things off with (her poor English and my poor Spanish was not a good combo), it seems that I have hit it off with a 30 year-old from Bogota. In the past 2 weeks, we email daily, have IM'ed a couple of times, web chatted once and talked on the phone a couple of times.

About her: She is college educated (supposedly). She lived in Australia for over a year. Her English is pretty good although I have problems understanding her accent at times. Her mother and sister live in the US already.

I have some vacation time coming up soon. We have talked about meeting in person. I don't feel comfortable going to Colombia (safety concerns). She is very open to the idea of meeting in a neutral location. We talked about a Caribbean vacation (I'm paying). I wanted to get some feedback on this idea. I realize that I am 'putting all my eggs in one basket' (as opposed to meeting many women on a tour). So far, things are going well and I am ok with this.

Is there anything that I should consider or anything that I may have not thought of yet? Thanks for your input!

[braziliangirl]

I have some vacation time coming up soon. We have talked about meeting in person. I don't feel comfortable going to Colombia (safety concerns). She is very open to the idea of meeting in a neutral location. We talked about a Caribbean vacation (I'm paying). I wanted to get some feedback on this idea. I realize that I am 'putting all my eggs in one basket' (as opposed to meeting many women on a tour). So far, things are going well and I am ok with this.

Is there anything that I should consider or anything that I may have not thought of yet? Thanks for your input!

Hi Jason,

First of all, Happy Holidays to you too! Welcome to the board.

Why are you comfortable about going to Colombia? Is that something especial related to your safety or just a general concern? Do you think you could keep a relationship with a Colombiana without ever going there? I, as a woman looking for a foreign guy, wouldn't be happy if a guy I was communicating with told me he couldn't visit me.

I wouldn't go the Caribbean vacation route. I'm sure you could have a great time, but it wouldn't be the best use of your vacation time and money. You would be losing the precious opportunity of knowing her home, her culture, her family, her friends... her reality.

Also, I don't mean to judge your girl. Things in Colombia may be a lot different, but no decent girl in Brazil would accept to have her vacations paid by a guy they don't know in person like that.

Anyway, best of luck in your search! I wish you can have what you're looking for soon!

[JasonA]

Thanks for your reply. 

My concerns about travelling to Colombia are safety related. I know very little Spanish and no one there. If she and I hit it off, I wouldn't have a problem going to see her later.

[Ray]

 
A Caribbean vacation with someone you have never met in person?
 
 
I'm with BG. That is too weird.
 
 
I say if you're afraid to go to her country and meet her, then find someone from another country where you feel safer.
 
 
Does she want you to send money for her plane ticket, etc.?
 
 
Ray
 
 

[JasonA]

The Caribbean trip was my idea and we're talking a long weekend (4 nights) not a week or two. As for airfare, I won't send anyone money. I would purchase her ticket for her and email the itinerary to her.

I guess that I am trying to get the best of everything in this trip- great girl and great location.

As for looking in a different country, I searched LAC for women in countries that I considered to be safer, but didn't have much luck finding what I was looking for...

Thanks for the reply! I have to ask though, is spending time with an attractive girl at the beach really that bad of an idea?

[euforia51]

Happy holidays, everyone!

 After contact with a possible scammer and a nice woman from Peru who I decided to cut things off with (her poor English and my poor Spanish was not a good combo), it seems that I have hit it off with a 30 year-old from Bogota. In the past 2 weeks, we email daily, have IM'ed a couple of times, web chatted once and talked on the phone a couple of times.

Merry Christmas to you sir... pieces of the story sound a similar to mine before traveling to Colombia for the first time a year ago. To be short, I had met my novia on the Internet. She speaks zero English and I spoke zero Spanish at the time. Google Translate to the rescue. And then, the ball was in my court to make the effort to begin learning Spanish if our relationship was going to go anywhere. In light of that, I would suggest that you make a sincere effort to do this also; especially if you are seeking a woman in Bogota or any place else in South America.
 
As for travel to Colombia solo, may I suggest you build more rapport with your lady friend via web-cam. A couple of times web-chatting and telephone calls is not sufficient. And I certainly wouldn't entertain bank-rolling a dream vacation in a remote spot as others have said. If you're going to get serious about a relationship like this, plan and do all you can to prepare to visit her country. This includes learning the language, getting familiar with current events, knowing a little about the environment, and finally, being able to trust the host (your potential girlfriend) completely with your visit.
 
These are just a few of the essentials as I see them because they worked for me. Best of luck...

[Zon]

Merry, merry.   Bogota is a big, modern city. If you stay in the business areas, you will not feel any more safety / language problems than if you went to Spain, for example.  (You do not have to be a world adventurer to cope with that!)


Girls in Colombia, especially the ones you meet online, can be a crap-shoot until you meet them and develop a real relationship.  So, unless you are very lucky, treat online friends as "maybes".  Line up a hand full.  Do not invest too much time in any one - until you meet in person.   Without any Spanish you are giving yourself a handicap that a wife hunter usually can not afford.   "vacation Spanish" can help, and is possible to acquire in a couple months part time study.


It is best to be a little more patient, than less.  It is best to learn the language and spend a couple vacations in a particular country. Only in that way, can you gauge what is "safely possible for you".   If you were 58 - 65, you would not have the luxury of time, but you have it!  Don't waste it, of be hasty.


Just a couple pointers for Christmas.

[InnocentVixen]

Hi Jason, welcome and Feliz Navidad~

She is college educated (supposedly). She lived in Australia for over a year. Her English is pretty good although I have problems understanding her accent at times. Her mother and sister live in the US already...She is very open to the idea of meeting in a neutral location.

Hmm this is a bit tricky, I would like to start by the bold underlined word of your post, you obviously don't trust her and it's ok, after all you are not only new at this but she is a woman you have not met in person, but like BG said, going on a vacation with her will not help this, what if you meet and there is zero chemistry? what if she doesn't show up? if she has relatives in the states, has lived outside her country and is open to meeting in neutral location, considering you are still feeling shy about her country, you might as well make that neutral location the US, pick an area close to her relatives so she feels safe also, not that she needs it, after all this lady is adventurous enough to accept vacations outside her country with a complete stranger, but at the very least you won't have to worry about the language or knowing your way around and if things click then sure, take that little vacation with her, you will not get to truly know her until you visit her in her country though.


I would like to add that there are some men on this board that live in Colombia and plenty who travel there so you would make some american contacts if things progress with her or with another colombiana so that might help you feel safer when the time comes.

[Bob_S]

Her English is pretty good although I have problems understanding her accent at times.

You're from the middle of TN and you're complaining about understanding her English?  Fuh-neee!


But seriously, welcome to the forum, Jason.  We've been at this a long time, and you're asking our advice, so here are some general guidelines I strongly encourage you to consider:
1.  Never (NEVER!) send money to a person you have never met in person.  This goes for things of significant value.  If you are sending a ticket for travel, make sure it is a non-refundable ticket.  If you send a refundable ticket, she may just cash it in and you'll never hear from her again.
2.  Chose a person from a country and culture where you'll feel comfortable traveling and even living someday.  You may end up retiring there.  And they do not come as blank slates ready for you to impose your own values, food preferences, religion, etc.  Be ready to adapt.
3.  Language.  A Russian woman would not expect you to learn Russian, and an Asian woman generally would not expect you to learn Tagalog, Japanese, Mandarin, or whatever.  It is appreciated if you do.  But not required.  But a Latina WILL generally expect you to learn Spanish and become fluent in it.
4.  On-line fidelity.  An on-line relationship counts for nothing.  Do not go calling her your gf or fiancee (or novia) until you meet in person and hit it off.  Until then, you are just some random guy stringing her along.  Not everyone who writes a girl goes to visit her, so she is well within her right (and would be sensible of her, too) to keep her options open, as are you.

Good luck!

[JasonA]

You're from the middle of TN and you're complaining about understanding her English?  Fuh-neee!

I grew up near St Louis, so I have the midwest accent, thank you very much! 
There are plenty of transplants in the Nashville area, so you never know what kind of accent you're going to get here...

I guess a big piece of the scenario is that I want to go somewhere sunny and relaxing. It's a vacation for me. For me, travelling with a woman is a pretty good indicator if I am compatible with someone. PLUS...  I get to check her out in a bikini!! 

To the suggestion of having her visit the US...  How hard is it to get a visa to visit the US? The only drawback is that FLA can be cool in January.

Good point- I definitely need to make friends with some of the Yanks that live in Colombia.

Thanks for all of the responses. Definitely got me thinking about alternative scenarios...    Now back to digesting. Ate way too much!! 

[JWR]

Jason,
 
Welcome.
 
Good advice is being given ok so listen up.
 
You may spend all that money and bring her to the Carrib, and after 10 minutes with her, be completely over it.  The odds are not with you.  Yes I know it sounds like fun setting up a fun vacation with a pretty girl.  But you may not be able to stand her!   Cam, photos, chat, you will never know until you meet.  Go to Bogota, and visit her if it still looks good after some more chat.  If you can't get comfortable with the idea of going to Colombia, you are just not cut out for this.  This is hazardous territory you are entering.  And I'm not talking about personal safety.  These women are very addicting, and you may forever ruin yourself for dating American women.  And you are not too old to find a nice pretty AW.
 
Go slow and have fun.  It's too early for you to be wife hunting.  Just enjoy a trip down there, and get your feet wet.
 
 

[InnocentVixen]

A girl that is educated, has lived overseas, has family in the US with good english skills but doesn't have a tourist visa already? now THAT sounds weird to me.

[mambocowboy]

How can you enter into a relationship with a woman from another country knowing you don't want to visit her country (no matter the reason)? In order to build and sustain the relationship you're going to have to visit and get to know her family, the sooner the better...

[Ray]

The Caribbean trip was my idea and we're talking a long weekend (4 nights) not a week or two. As for airfare, I won't send anyone money. I would purchase her ticket for her and email the itinerary to her.

I guess that I am trying to get the best of everything in this trip- great girl and great location.

As for looking in a different country, I searched LAC for women in countries that I considered to be safer, but didn't have much luck finding what I was looking for...

Thanks for the reply! I have to ask though, is spending time with an attractive girl at the beach really that bad of an idea?

 
That sounds great for you, but IMO a young lady would be nuts to go off on a vacation like that alone with a stranger that she met on the Internet.
 
There was a similar case recently where an American woman did just that and they are still searching for her body in Aruba.
 
Just get your ass down to Colombia and meet her and her family on her home turf. If things work out between you two, then bring up the idea of a foreign vacation later when she and her family know you well enough.
 
 
Ray
 
 

[JasonA]

A girl that is educated, has lived overseas, has family in the US with good english skills but doesn't have a tourist visa already? now THAT sounds weird to me.

I know very little about travel visas. She has travelled to a few different countries, but I assumed that after 9/11, the US would be one of the more difficult countries to travel to(?). I am thinking seriously about her coming up here. Her mom and sister are in FLA anyway. 

Also, I didn't say that I would never visit Colombia. I just said that without knowing the language or anyone down there, I have concerns about safety.

As for only meeting one girl (and not meeting many on a tour), research shows that people that have many choices (no matter if it's buying a car or trying to find the cheapest gallon of milk in town) tend to be less satisfied wondering if they made the right choice or got the best deal.

 It's a crapshoot no matter what- maybe it works, maybe it doesn't, but I want to have a fun and relaxing trip. Yes, she is assuming some (or most) of the travel risk, but she seems ok with that. I will have more video web chats with her in the next couple of weeks. She does seem legit so far.

I know that it seems like I am defending my position, but I am considering everything that everyone has posted.

[euforia51]

Also, I didn't say that I would never visit Colombia. I just said that without knowing the language or anyone down there, I have concerns about safety.

You should have concerns about safety if you're not going to take the initiative to learn Spanish. I know you didn't say that but it seems you are using not knowing the language as an excuse of sorts. I'm still laughing at Zon's vacation Spanish.
 
Others have said already that you need to dive in head first in the deep end or step away from the edge of the pool. There are some good suggestions here at your disposal if you're willing to tackle the safety fear. Have you thought about using an agency? A real agency where there are guides and translators to help you?
 
Some here are much better traveled than I, but as I sit in Medellin (Colombia) in the safety of my steel-cased apartamento writing this post, I can tell you that I've either been very sheltered by my 5'2" novia during my visits here thus far ... or maybe Colombia somehow doesn't live up to the hype of being the slaughterhouse it's constantly being given credit for. You'll have to decide that for yourself if you make the trip. Personally, I have a greater fear of Tennessee but I'm sort of weird like that.
 
Best of luck...

[fathertime]

Hi Jason!


The trip you are describing sounds more like a vacation for people that already know each other.   If you really want to get to know this lady, you should see her in her own environment, friends, family,etc.  It does sound fun to meet a beautiful babe in an exotic place, but if you keep your goal in mind, you would probably be smarter to just bite the bullet, visit Bogota, and take it from there.  Quite a few of us were in similar positions at one point or another and took the plunge. 


Regarding Spanish, you should be studying to some extent every day now,  even if it is only flashcards to build vocabulary.  Even if you woman speaks some English, it shows some competency for you to start in on Spanish. 


Really it sounds like you should keep your options open.  Are you going to be able to travel frequently, or is money/vacation limitations going to complicate things in the near future?


Good luck,
Fathertime! 

[JasonA]

I plan on learning Spanish, but that will take some time.

Personally, I have a greater fear of Tennessee but I'm sort of weird like that. [\b]

There are some redneck areas of TN, but Williamson County (just south of Nashville) isn't one of them. It's in the top 20 richest counties in the country. I heard the same stuff from my friends/family in the midwest before they visited. They don't make those types of jokes anymore.  Sorry, had to stick up for my adopted home.   

[euforia51]

I plan on learning Spanish, but that will take some time.

Of course, it will take some time which is precisely why you should start now ... today. I studied for two months, everyday, before making my first trip here. And I will tell you it was humbling after setting foot here and listening to the locals and only being able to pick up a few words in casual conversations.
 
When I returned home, I got lazy and studied with alot less enthusiasm because I speak with my novia every evening via Skype. Now fast forward to Christmas night ... 1 year later ...
 
Here I am again sitting in the midst of a conversation between my novia, and two of her relatives ... and again only being able to pick up a few words. Who's fault is that? Mine! Later, I told my novia I was ashamed at myself. But it only highlighted the need consistently make an effort to remove any obstacles one may find in a foreign relationship ... the biggest for me, thus far, has been the language. On the bright side, as well, it's an interesting challenge. And it's a cornerstone for fitting into her culture. I am constantly being reminded of this with every day that I interact here.
 
Start learning Spanish today if you are seeking success with a Latin lady...
 
Best of luck...

[InnocentVixen]

Jason, american tourist visas are given to people that can prove that they have good reasons to go back to their country, own property, stable job, a career, no criminal background, etc. basically "low risk" visitors that will not abuse their stay and indeed visit and spend their money there, not necessarily be rich but prove you can at least afford to actually be a "tourist" in the US. There is plenty of countries that do not require a tourist visa and passport is enough.


Once your visa is approved it's given for years and you can renew it, you don't have to go through all the process again, renewals are rarely denied unless you waited too long after it expired then it can be a problem.


So if you had a visa before 9/11 it doesn't affect you at all since you only have to renew, after that date things did get a bit hard for first time applicants but at least over here in Mexico it pretty much went back to normal. From everything you say if she is being honest I would guess she already has one or has the means to get approved for one.

[V_Man]

Jase, welcome mate!
Listen to the advice you are getting here.
Don't do the vacaion thing. Go meet her in Bogota.
The security risks are way overrated.
Your biggest saftey concern will be the traffic and lack of seat belts in the taxis.

I recently got back from my first trip to Colombia.
I met a lady online from Bogota and my primary reason for going to Colombia was to meet her.
I did one week in another city before I flew to Botoga.
She was waiting 3 hours at the airport. We managed to keep our clothes on long enough to have lunch but that was about it. We hit it off. After a week in Bogota I then took her to the Caribean, for another week.
However in my mind I was prepared that things could have turned out 180 degrees differently once we met in person.

You can learn a few key words and phrases of Spanish before you go. It's not hard. Take a WiFi device that does machine translations for you. Get a hotel that has WiFi in the room. She spent a year in Australia so she can hold a basic conversation in English anyway.

Build up a pattern on video calling on Skype with her.

Think about it for a bit.
Imagine the worst that could happen:
1. You arrive at the airport and she is not there.
2. You get a taxi to the hotel and stay 4 nights in a hotel and it rains every day.
3. You don't want to call an agency for help so you spend 4 days being bored and visting the bar across the road.
4. You get a taxi back the airport. The taxi driver charges you $10 when he should have charged you $7.
5. You return a little wiser.

That's probaly the worst thing that would happen.

Or much more likely:
1. she is waiting for you at the airport
2. She is more attractive than you realised.
3. She can't keep her hands off you from the minute you kiss her hello.
4. She deals with all the locals for you, shows you around Bogota and introduces you to her family.
5. After the 2nd night she stays with you 24 hours a day.
6. She cries as she waves you goodbye at the airport.
7. You have a much better idea about your future prospects both with her and with Colombia in general.

Either way the experience will be worth it.

BTW, which city in Australia did she live in?
Ask her to tell you what a Ute is. If she lived with locals she should know.
She should know a few Aussie words like: mate, barbie, etc.
Did she fly to Australia via New Zealand? Ask her to tell you what stop overs she made. Did she study English? Where?
Find out a few facts she knows about Australia and I'll tell you if they are true.
I expect you will find she was completely honest about her time in Australia but it is an easy thing to check on.

[vikingo]

Hi Jason, my advise would be to get to know her a little better, be sure she actually looks like on the pictures of hers, by using a webcam? (not sure, never used one), ask her specifically about her height, weight, the year she was born and if she has children or would like to have them. I have found that the women sometimes 'err' in their profile and later blame it on the agency, also ask her when the pictures were taken. Trust but verify!
Invite her to the Island of San Andrés which belongs to Colombia but is located of the coast of Nicaragua and has wonderful beaches and the official language is English, then you return to Bogotá with her and meet her family and get your feet wet in Colombia. Don't have to worry about any safety issues, she and her family will know how to keep you out of trouble, trust me.
This way you have your vacation on a sunny beach, you arrive at an airport where you don't need any Spanish, she will be extremely happy to go there, she won't need a passport or a visa, just her I.D., you have the company of a hopefully attractive young lady and if she doesn't suit your fancy you let her return home by herself. http://www.tripadvisor.com/Cheap_Vacations-g297482-San_Andres_Island.html

[z_k_g]

Jason,

Sounds like you are ready to embark on this adventure.

I won't bother to repeat some of the great advice provided by fellow P-L posters but I'll add my twist and viewpoint to the fray.

1.  Never give cash to anyone you don't know...unless its for a donation or an indigent person...Red Cross?

2.  If you want a hot vacation with a horny latina, do the Carribean vacation with her....If you want a wife, visit her in Bogota and meet her family and friends.  If she is willing to meet you on a Carribean vacation, you don't want this young lady as a wife.

3.  Learn Spanish....or find a Filipina, no Spanish required.

4.  Trust but verify everything she says.  Don't be afraid to drop her.  There a thousands more just like her in Colombia, ok?

5.  Don't let your little head think for ya.  In LA that is easier said than done, they look so damn good and they like to rut just as much as we do!!

6.  If you are serious about marriage then read the archives on P-L and ask a lot of questions.  We have a very active forum so you will get an immediate response (that you may or may not like) to your issue.

Welcome to P-L.

Good Luck!

Zulu

[vikingo]

"2.  If you want a hot vacation with a horny latina, do the Carribean vacation with her....If you want a wife, visit her in Bogota and meet her family and friends.  If she is willing to meet you on a Carribean vacation, you don't want this young lady as a wife."
When I first met my gf in person, we went to my hotel she had picked out for me, she spent the night, laid down by my side but made it clear she won't take her clothes off and told me I would have to be patient. I wanted to make a good impression and controlled myself and got my reward the following night. Meeting her family and friends was of secondary importance. Good Lord, she had a couple of relationships before, would have been different if she was a virgin, why put up a sharade?
It seems to me a vacation in San Andrés would be along the lines what Jason had in mind to beginn with. He is looking for a nice beach and he won't find one like that in all of Colombia, nor the nightly entertainment they provide, English is spoken all over the Island, the natives are very friendly and well behaved, (I've been there twice) it is her dream destination for a short vacation and the very worst that can happen, he will be out of $500 which it will cost for her plane ticket plus a four day stay including meals, open bar and entertainment. Jason will pay a little more because of his distance from the Island.  http://www.decameron.com/

[braziliangirl]

As a girl, I would say that a guy would make a lot of extra points for coming to my hometown to visit. Isn't that the way it should be? Guys pursuing girls?