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Offline hsawaknow

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Glad I found this site
« on: June 14, 2014, 10:20:42 PM »
Hi, I am 42, separated, with 2 sons that I share joint custody.  I live in Maryland, smack dab between Baltimore and DC.  About 6 months ago I came to the conclusion that I was not going to remain alone forever after being separated for several months, fast forward 3 months and after several attempts at dating, I decided that it is not just my "soon to be" ex-wife, many women in the US have truly become insane.... :o or maybe it is just me.  I decided I would try looking long distance, first just reading profiles on Cherry Blossom and Asian Dating.com and deciding what seemed to spark my interest then becoming a member and reaching out to anyone I was interested in.

There were a few false starts, but I finally met a lady that I am quickly becoming crazy about.  She is 35, single, no children, absolutely beautiful, generous, smart, funny, silly, and caring.  We started just with chatting, then slowly to video on Cherry Blossom, then switched to Skype.  Every time I see her we spend the first five minutes just smiling and chuckling at each other like teenagers and I feel like the luckiest man alive. 

She understands that I am still legally married and will remain so for another 9 months since in MD a one sided separation requires a 2 year wait before you can file for divorce..... damn governments, and I have already made plans to go to the Philippines in November, but we have 2 small issues, as some have stated women in the Philippines have been strung along and hurt by men who promise the moon and then get nothing and she is just such a lady.  She had one man from the States who strung her along for 7 years before she finally said enough is enough, then another from Europe who promised to visit, then instead wanted her to come to him, but 2 years later still was unable to get anything processed for her.  It has left her jaded, guilty, and a bit self loathing and she will often encourage me to look elsewhere because she does not deserve to be happy, which is crap.  The other is more cultural, in which she is sure that I will somehow reconcile with my wife and leave her in the wind because according to her most coupes in the Philippines do not get divorced.  I am making very slow, but steady headway in trying to restore her faith and belief in herself and in us, however some days she is sure that I will tire of her and look elsewhere, hell she has encouraged me to do so.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to convince her beyond time and patience that I am committed and she will not be alone any longer.  I know she is slowly coming around, we spend 4-5 hours on Skype everyday at least, and most days are wonderful, but every so often she will back slide and feel that I should have someone "better".  The other day she felt she was making me try too hard to be with her when we watched Troy over Skype.  I am not a big fan of the movie so I was a bit bored, but I loved doing something so mundane as watching a movie together.  If you have not tried it, there is nothing more magical than watching the smile on their face when you propose a movie night.  Have them make their snacks, get your snacks, setup the camera in front of your TV or Monitor, and stream/ play the movie.  I spent more time watching her the first time than I did the movie... it was Frozen just in case you are wondering.  but still every once in a while I get that seed of doubt from her that breaks through and she wonders if it her dream will finally come true.  I can't make promises, she has already had too many broken.  So I have told her what my dreams for us are, no promises, but that I would make every effort to achieve both my dream and help her achieve hers.

She is the first person I see every morning and the last before I go to sleep.  There have been occasions when we spent the entire day and night connected on Skype and when one of us slept the other just stayed near for when they woke.  The thought of losing this woman scares the crap out of me and I don't even have her here yet nor will I for at least another year.

Sorry for running on, just can't stop thinking about this lady and what she means to me.

Any help/advice would be appreciated.

S

Offline pchip

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Re: Glad I found this site
« Reply #1 on: June 15, 2014, 07:05:13 AM »
Couple thoughts:
  • [size=78%]Regarding the divorce, why not go to Vegas or something?  (Stupid question, but bear with me I'm Canadian so don't know the US laws)[/size]
  • [/size][size=78%]A "one sided" separation you said, so if I take it your "soon to be ex-"wife doesn't agree with the separation?[/size]
  • [/size][size=78%]Anything worth their salt requires time and patience.  Marriage is an excellent example, and if that's your "end" goal (or should I say "start" as the wedding is the start of a new era for the both of you), then you'd better get used to invest a lot of time and patience.[/size]
  • [/size][size=78%]Keep at it, don't tell her, SHOW HER she's worth it and that you're commited to her and only her[/size]
  • [/size][size=78%]While on the first visit in November, don't go intimate yet unless she's the one initiating.  Since she's had a couple bad experiences in the past, she may think that it's just a booty trip for you.   [/size]
  • [/size][size=78%]At the same time, she may take it as a lack of interest of your part, so tell her in advance that she's in charge of the first time.[/size]
[/size]Good luck![size=78%]

Offline piglett

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Re: Glad I found this site
« Reply #2 on: June 15, 2014, 02:53:55 PM »
welcome to the forum HSA








piglett
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Re: Glad I found this site
« Reply #2 on: June 15, 2014, 02:53:55 PM »

Offline hsawaknow

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Re: Glad I found this site
« Reply #3 on: June 15, 2014, 04:45:04 PM »
Thank You piglett.

pchip,

#1 Yeah our state has requirements in order to grant a divorce immediately.  Not sure if another state would grant a divorce without residency but it is something to look into.  Thanks for the idea.

#2 One sided even though I was asked for a divorce more times than I can count, but once I follow through suddenly I am the one who initiated everything or at least that is what has been told to mutual friends.  Truthfully, I think it is so she does not look like the one breaking the marriage to the kids.

#4 Hard to show her when she is on the other side of the world, but I do what I can.

#5 & 6  That is good advice and I did make sure to let her know that I would be staying in a hotel with no expectations of her staying/sleeping with me.

I know, I skipped #3, time and patience seem a no brainer for me.  Does not make it easy, just common sense.

Offline Jhengsman

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Re: Glad I found this site
« Reply #4 on: June 15, 2014, 05:06:21 PM »
.  The other is more cultural, in which she is sure that I will somehow reconcile with my wife and leave her in the wind because according to her most coupes in the Philippines do not get divorced.  I am making very slow, but steady headway in trying to restore her faith and belief in herself and in us, however some days she is sure that I will tire of her and look elsewhere, hell she has encouraged me to do so.

There is no divorce unless you married a Muslim man under Sharia law and a few other tribal conditions out in the provinces. However people separate all the time and go on to live with the new boyfriend/girlfriend without the police enforcing the adultery laws on them. The big cultural difference is that Filipinos are more into a strict no contact, they are not still friends with an ex. It would take sharing a child for any contact. Meaning no pictures, chats, etc.


Should they go through the annulment process the courts take a legal prejudice that the marriage can be saved and she may think an American's divorce does the same so the tendency to wait until you finish that phase of your life before you become really available.

Offline pchip

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Re: Glad I found this site
« Reply #5 on: June 15, 2014, 05:24:00 PM »

#2 One sided even though I was asked for a divorce more times than I can count, but once I follow through suddenly I am the one who initiated everything or at least that is what has been told to mutual friends.  Truthfully, I think it is so she does not look like the one breaking the marriage to the kids.


Oh boy, yet another one of those locas.  Been there, not pretty.  Only thing I can say is that for the short-to-mid term it won't improve.  I've been at it 4 years and my ex is still at it...

#4 Hard to show her when she is on the other side of the world, but I do what I can.


I mean by that to simply follow your heart, and try to be the better men.  (Goes with #5/6)

Offline Ray

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Re: Glad I found this site
« Reply #6 on: June 16, 2014, 06:09:29 PM »

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to convince her beyond time and patience that I am committed and she will not be alone any longer.
 

  Hi S, welcome aboard.
 
Her story sounds so familiar.
 
About the only way that you can convince her that you are for real is to:
 
1. Show up in person to visit her and her family.
 
2. Either marry her over there or file the paperwork for a fiancée petition.
 
I know you said you won’t be legally divorced for another 9 months, so there isn’t any way to accomplish #2 until that happens.
 
However, I would strongly recommend a personal visit as soon as possible. If you wait until November, you may lose your opportunity.
 
Understand that she has absolutely no obligation to wait for you to get the legal stuff done and marry her. From what you said of her previous experiences with foreigners and given her age, don’t be surprised if she bails on you before you have everything together. If another guy shows up in person before you do, she is very likely to take a chance with him instead of waiting for something intangible.
 
Most all of these ladies want to have children and she is at a stage in her life where she can’t afford to wait much longer. Are you ready to have more children in the immediate future?
 
So my advice would be to find a way to get that divorce legalized sooner, and get your buns on a plane ASAP.
 
Good luck…
 
 
Ray
 
 

Offline robert angel

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Re: Glad I found this site
« Reply #7 on: June 16, 2014, 06:42:36 PM »

  Hi S, welcome aboard.
 
Her story sounds so familiar.
 
About the only way that you can convince her that you are for real is to:
 
1. Show up in person to visit her and her family.
 
2. Either marry her over there or file the paperwork for a fiancée petition.
 
I know you said you won’t be legally divorced for another 9 months, so there isn’t any way to accomplish #2 until that happens.
 
However, I would strongly recommend a personal visit as soon as possible. If you wait until November, you may lose your opportunity.
 
Understand that she has absolutely no obligation to wait for you to get the legal stuff done and marry her. From what you said of her previous experiences with foreigners and given her age, don’t be surprised if she bails on you before you have everything together. If another guy shows up in person before you do, she is very likely to take a chance with him instead of waiting for something intangible.
 
Most all of these ladies want to have children and she is at a stage in her life where she can’t afford to wait much longer. Are you ready to have more children in the immediate future?
 
So my advice would be to find a way to get that divorce legalized sooner, and get your buns on a plane ASAP.
 
Good luck…
 
 
Ray
 
 


Good, hard advice above. Nothing means more than to her than meeting you in person. As was recommended before, looking into other states, even nations, to possibly secure a faster divorce, could possibly help your situation. Long, long time ago, New Yorkers got divorces in Mexico.

They don't do it as much any more, but even if they lose business, some lawyers may give you a free consult on your options on a faster divorce. The time clock is ticking for both of you and you're already spending a lot of time on line, Skype, etc.

I took way too long with my wife and as a result, I also was so busy on-line communicating with her before I got her over here that I didn't spend as much time with my kids as I should've. So you might keep an eye on that. We still did scouts, sports and stuff, but I did spend a lot of time conversing with my now wife one on one.

Good luck!
Whether you think you can or think you can't--you're right!

Offline Fosgate5

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Re: Glad I found this site
« Reply #8 on: November 09, 2014, 02:44:47 PM »
One thing I'd point out and you might have thought of this already. If your soon to be ex is giving you this much of a hassle getting a divorce I sure as h-ell would not let her know about this new woman. She will definitely use her to destroy you in the eyes of your children and others which would affect your new bride to be. Odipus Complex in women especially American women is strong. You already mentioned how you have heard how she is trying to pin this on you and not her. I would let no one around you know you are involved with this woman to include your children and close friends. Your trip is just a vacation to go unwind a bit, visit some foreign beach where it's inexpensive and they speak English. Good luck

Offline Calipro

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Re: Glad I found this site
« Reply #9 on: November 09, 2014, 06:10:32 PM »

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to convince her beyond time and patience that I am committed and she will not be alone any longer. 



You could go and meet her in person....according to "A Foreign Affair" only 2 percent of guys that buy addresses actually every go to meet the women. Any woman that has been playing the writing game as long as she has knows this. But women have been know to write dozens of guys at attempts to increase their odds.


Only question I have is how can you be so committed to a woman you never met in person. Seems to me you might be a prime target to get sucked in to sending someone you don't know intimately some cash.

Offline Fosgate5

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Re: Glad I found this site
« Reply #10 on: November 09, 2014, 06:25:09 PM »

You could go and meet her in person....according to "A Foreign Affair" only 2 percent of guys that buy addresses actually every go to meet the women. Any woman that has been playing the writing game as long as she has knows this. But women have been know to write dozens of guys at attempts to increase their odds.


Only question I have is how can you be so committed to a woman you never met in person. Seems to me you might be a prime target to get sucked in to sending someone you don't know intimately some cash.


Wait! What? I'm new to this as well but why would it be bad (or unfair) for a woman to be working the number game like we do?


Also doubt she is working other guys if they are falling asleep and waking up together on an open skype call. Even if she is talking to a couple other guys I doubt anyone else is at the top of her list like the OP. I would say your reason for bringing this up is because of how she has her moments of telling him let her go. Which may be very valid, and can also be a test to see if this guy is actually going to stick it out and go through with it to keep her from wasting her time yet again.

Offline robert angel

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Re: Glad I found this site
« Reply #11 on: November 09, 2014, 08:27:30 PM »
Too bad the OP (original poster) hasn't been back in about five months. I wonder how it panned out. Your private life should be just that--private. Sure, there may be your closest friends and perhaps family who you might use as sounding boards, but ultimately it's all about you and her--the other folks are secondary.

Getting people and their opinions involved quite often can be more detrimental than helpful. It can cloud your mind and slow your reflexes.

My son's feelings, given how they were living with me, were important--she had to eventually get clearance from them and given how they have a mom--my ex-wife, that required some thought and sensitivity. I didn't parade a stream of women in front of my sons. In fact for years, they never even met (on-line or in real life) anyone I dated.

Others, including my closest friends and even my family, were brought into knowing about the 'particulars' quite late, really after I'd made up my mind, having already made trips abroad.

If I lived my life worrying too much about what other people thought, I wouldn't have gotten very far.



"Ain't nobody's business but my own"
« Last Edit: November 09, 2014, 09:38:22 PM by robert angel »
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