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Author Topic: How living in the USA a while has changed your wife--- or is gonna...  (Read 1168 times)

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Offline robert angel

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Not to high jack Alabama Boy's  post on his wife's 7th anniversary, but I mentioned how life in the USA has changed my wife a bit. Not terribly, but some. I think it's inevitable with time for all immigrant women really. It's like growing up again. More so if she's working, but even between the media and the friends she keeps, perhaps the lack of having to hear the scrutiny of family and friends back home, it can happen.

I mentioned my wife will (very privately) call me out on "boneheaded" stuff I do, stuff that years ago she probably wouldn't have said a thing. I guess I still walk on water to her, but maybe the water's not as deep.

As she's worked here a long time now and has always been highly regarded, it's only natural that she's developed a different sense of self worth and confidence. Besides, while she'd never say it, she knows she's beautiful, whereas back home, she always felt below average. 

Her being about to move into a salary level where my income is not a necessity to maintain a decent lifestyle, gives me pause, as that was one reason why my first wife and I split--we didn't need each other materially anymore. As such, when other things got rough, it was that much easier to let 'us' go.

I think the best thing is that my wife had her values, had her head screwed on right from the day we met and that hasn't changed. Even if she's gone from one or two pairs of shoes to thirty, a closet full of clothes, from public transport in a land where very few women drive to her own car, she still largely has the same values.

Not saying it's necessary to keep her barefoot and preggars, or to isolate her socially and make her dress like a school marm, but have you guys noticed or do you expect changes?
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Offline mambocowboy

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Re: How living in the USA a while has changed your wife--- or is gonna...
« Reply #1 on: December 19, 2017, 11:46:47 PM »
Not to high jack Alabama Boy's  post on his wife's 7th anniversary, but I mentioned how life in the USA has changed my wife a bit. Not terribly, but some. I think it's inevitable with time for all immigrant women really. It's like growing up again. More so if she's working, but even between the media and the friends she keeps, perhaps the lack of having to hear the scrutiny of family and friends back home, it can happen.

I mentioned my wife will (very privately) call me out on "boneheaded" stuff I do, stuff that years ago she probably wouldn't have said a thing. I guess I still walk on water to her, but maybe the water's not as deep.

As she's worked here a long time now and has always been highly regarded, it's only natural that she's developed a different sense of self worth and confidence. Besides, while she'd never say it, she knows she's beautiful, whereas back home, she always felt below average. 

Her being about to move into a salary level where my income is not a necessity to maintain a decent lifestyle, gives me pause, as that was one reason why my first wife and I split--we didn't need each other materially anymore. As such, when other things got rough, it was that much easier to let 'us' go.

I think the best thing is that my wife had her values, had her head screwed on right from the day we met and that hasn't changed. Even if she's gone from one or two pairs of shoes to thirty, a closet full of clothes, from public transport in a land where very few women drive to her own car, she still largely has the same values.

Not saying it's necessary to keep her barefoot and preggars, or to isolate her socially and make her dress like a school marm, but have you guys noticed or do you expect changes?
With my wife there a few changes that simply have to do with the fact we now have 2 kids , but i think you mentioned  a few things that are true for my wife. For one thing, she is more exotic here than in Colombia and gets more attention from men here than in Colombia. Men in the US would give their left nut to have a wife as pretty and attentive as yours or mine...In Colombia, on the other hand , i know potbellied taxistas and bus drivers with hot wives...in my wife's case, we'll see what happens when she gains more financial independence.  She has a list of things she wants to buy for herself and even says she wants to make enough so I can retire early lol...in my case, with  our visit to Colombia in a couple days, I'm interested to see if even at 46 I'm still the exotic gringo who draws the attention  of a few ladies over there.  I wouldn't mind; if only to remind my wife she cant get complacent....

Offline robert angel

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Re: How living in the USA a while has changed your wife--- or is gonna...
« Reply #2 on: December 20, 2017, 12:36:04 PM »
With my wife there a few changes that simply have to do with the fact we now have 2 kids , but i think you mentioned  a few things that are true for my wife. For one thing, she is more exotic here than in Colombia and gets more attention from men here than in Colombia. Men in the US would give their left nut to have a wife as pretty and attentive as yours or mine...In Colombia, on the other hand , i know potbellied taxistas and bus drivers with hot wives...in my wife's case, we'll see what happens when she gains more financial independence.  She has a list of things she wants to buy for herself and even says she wants to make enough so I can retire early lol...in my case, with  our visit to Colombia in a couple days, I'm interested to see if even at 46 I'm still the exotic gringo who draws the attention  of a few ladies over there.  I wouldn't mind; if only to remind my wife she cant get complacent....

When my wife goes home for 2 or 3 weeks, once back home,  it makes her overall attitude even better, more appreciative of everything she has here.  I'm well into my 50's, and rest assured in most 3rd world nations, if halfway presentable,  we need not tape $100 bills to our foreheads to attract the hot babes just yet. She'll see for sure.

The status quo is probably somewhat equally balanced in our favor in her nation as it is to her attractiveness here in the states.

Everybody seems to like the 'uncommon flavor' more...

It's why I've repeatedly told guys here that what's 'average' back home looks wise, is hot as hell in 95% of the USA. If the new to the USA woman doesn't value you, her vows and have her head on straight, when things get rough (and inevitably they will on occasion) she may shop for a richer, younger dude.

And if not careful, she may be socializing with women from her nation, at work etc., women who are happy to give them their lawyer's card, explaining how here in the wonderful USA,  a woman really CAN "Have it All"--be loose of you, free to date, have sex, (before the divorce is even final nowadays) collect alimony and/or child support, probably keep the house and car, excluding you!

If you don't concede and pay, depending on the state, you'll lose your drivers license, any work permits/licenses, even possibly go to jail if you don't keep paying her way...

And you'll be painted as having victimized that poor, pretty little foriegn girl, risking her going on govt. support $$$, unless you ante up like a good sucker!!
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Re: How living in the USA a while has changed your wife--- or is gonna...
« Reply #2 on: December 20, 2017, 12:36:04 PM »

Offline mambocowboy

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Re: How living in the USA a while has changed your wife--- or is gonna...
« Reply #3 on: December 20, 2017, 01:53:01 PM »
When my wife goes home for 2 or 3 weeks, once back home,  it makes her overall attitude even better, more appreciative of everything she has here.  I'm well into my 50's, and rest assured in most 3rd world nations, if halfway presentable,  we need not tape $100 bills to our foreheads to attract the hot babes just yet. She'll see for sure.

The status quo is probably somewhat equally balanced in our favor in her nation as it is to her attractiveness here in the states.

Everybody seems to like the 'uncommon flavor' more...

It's why I've repeatedly told guys here that what's 'average' back home looks wise, is hot as hell in 95% of the USA. If the new to the USA woman doesn't value you, her vows and have her head on straight, when things get rough (and inevitably they will on occasion) she may shop for a richer, younger dude.

And if not careful, she may be socializing with women from her nation, at work etc., women who are happy to give them their lawyer's card, explaining how here in the wonderful USA,  a woman really CAN "Have it All"--be loose of you, free to date, have sex, (before the divorce is even final nowadays) collect alimony and/or child support, probably keep the house and car, excluding you!

If you don't concede and pay, depending on the state, you'll lose your drivers license, any work permits/licenses, even possibly go to jail if you don't keep paying her way...

And you'll be painted as having victimized that poor, pretty little foriegn girl, risking her going on govt. support $$$, unless you ante up like a good sucker!!
My wife had some "friends" like that early on. Fortunately fir us they are not friends anymore, but i can say even my own friends were skeptical and a bit jealous i have a younger, more attractive wife who cooks and cleans....

Offline robert angel

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Re: How living in the USA a while has changed your wife--- or is gonna...
« Reply #4 on: December 20, 2017, 04:00:58 PM »
My wife had some "friends" like that early on. Fortunately fir us they are not friends anymore, but i can say even my own friends were skeptical and a bit jealous i have a younger, more attractive wife who cooks and cleans....

Same here. My wife found out early on who the malicious gossips among her own people living here were. People who, they call it 'crab mentality' are secretly jealous if anyone has more of anything good than they do. She's outwardly polite to everyone, but well aware. Her friends, her 'confidantes' are very few and carefully chosen


The biblical commandment "Thall shall not covet"  never anticipated facebook....
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Offline robert angel

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Re: How living in the USA a while has changed your wife--- or is gonna...
« Reply #5 on: December 20, 2017, 08:55:30 PM »
Speaking of trying to avoid people of questionable character, we got back a little while ago from a Catholic  'Vigil' mass. My wife heard a group was bringing food tomorrow night and she asked: "What can I do to help?" --- One real gem told her to not only bring plenty of bread, but precisely the most expensive brand from the best bakery, lol.

I'll say is that going into a church no more makes you a Christian than does going into a garage make you into a car.

Futhermore, some people who I dare say live lives that explempify 'Christian values' --who 'walk the walk', rarely if ever,  go to church.
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Offline mambocowboy

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Re: How living in the USA a while has changed your wife--- or is gonna...
« Reply #6 on: December 20, 2017, 11:08:55 PM »
Speaking of trying to avoid people of questionable character, we got back a little while ago from a Catholic  'Vigil' mass. My wife heard a group was bringing food tomorrow night and she asked: "What can I do to help?" --- One real gem told her to not only bring plenty of bread, but precisely the most expensive brand from the best bakery, lol.

I'll say is that going into a church no more makes you a Christian than does going into a garage make you into a car.

Futhermore, some people who I dare say live lives that explempify 'Christian values' --who 'walk the walk', rarely if ever,  go to church.
Haha, organized religion, the best cover for criminal behavior...

Offline SkyNorth

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Re: How living in the USA a while has changed your wife--- or is gonna...
« Reply #7 on: December 22, 2017, 04:18:42 PM »
Robert & Mambo...true pearls of wisdom.  And the reason I am still single.  Not sure I will ever pull the trigger again inside the USA.

Offline Fosgate5

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Re: How living in the USA a while has changed your wife--- or is gonna...
« Reply #8 on: December 22, 2017, 10:00:52 PM »
I'm preparing for when the woman gets here. Govt still processing K1 petitions received May 1 for two months now. Ours received Aug 15th. Everyone seems to be rushing to become a legal U.S. Citizen for some odd reason. Go figure. Gotta say though lots of changes in immigration policy I am sure are coming. So much can go wrong with conflicts in the S. China Sea, North Korea, UN votes etc. I'm sure we'll be fine. More concerned with her interaction here with people and preparing her for that. She was an English major in the PH and English is really good so I have confidence that she will find employment easily and will adapt in that aspect.


One of the things I'm concerned with is church. I haven't been for good reason. When I was a kid growing up in a small town my parents split. My father cheated on my mother and she got the house, kids and very little alimony and child support. She had taken on the responsibility of staying home from work and raising us kids which I love her for. However, it was really tough. I saw our local church who we were members of for many years virtually turn their back on my mother. We wound up going to a neighboring city and going to a multi denomination church eventually. But in the process for shopping for churches I saw some of the fakes out there that market and latch on to you until they find out you don't have much money to give them and then they just look down on you. I saw this attitude several years later when I was single, peddling insurance and I went looking for a church figuring I needed some weekly inspiration to keep me level. I made good money, came to church driving my then new luxury sport sedan with a suit on, well groomed. I just got weird vibes at the first two I visited and the third that I thought I was liking and it hit me when I saw a single mother recently divorced showed up with two kids. The meet at greet from the prominent people in the church took place but by the third visit she could barely get any of them to say much more than hi and a hand shake or two. I met her and she was a really nice woman. That's when it really hit me that they were were looking for dollars. That's what I had noticed was odd, these prominent figures in the church were doing nothing more than looking for dollars, figuring out where you belonged in the financial level with them and ranked those not worthy beneath them. It was like Jr High all over again. It soured my idea that somehow I would get my weekly positive fix by going to that church. I never went back to that one.


That's not to say I don't love Christianity. I really loved the tradition of going as a family, the Sunday routine etc. What I can't stand is how there are people who are prominent in the church that use the church as their own popularity contest and look down on others with the sense, "I'm more Christian than you are." attitude. But, I'm not real crazy about some of the churches that just seem to do whatever they want also. Nor am I a fan of people who bash any religion including Christianity. Someone mentioned crab mentality earlier. This day and age people seem to be so quick to tear each other down with the "Can't, Don't" instead of the "Can Do" attitude I feel one has to have a recharge of positivity, love and peace with others on a regular basis. I think the woman and I see eye to eye on tradition, discipline and the routine even though she comes from the catholic faith and me from the Lutheran faith.  I'll happily convert to hers and go every week. But I feel I have to warn her so we can be prepared for a little different devotion level of a congregation here vs what she is used to in the PH.

Offline Ray

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Re: How living in the USA a while has changed your wife--- or is gonna...
« Reply #9 on: December 24, 2017, 08:55:03 PM »
Hey Fos,

If she's Catholic and wants to practice her religion when she gets here, at least give her a ride to church on Sunday.

You can go over to a local dive bar and have a couple of beers and then pick her up after mass.

If she is OK with that, then she's cool.   :)

Ray


Offline Fosgate5

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Re: How living in the USA a while has changed your wife--- or is gonna...
« Reply #10 on: January 03, 2018, 12:11:06 PM »
Hey Fos,

If she's Catholic and wants to practice her religion when she gets here, at least give her a ride to church on Sunday.

You can go over to a local dive bar and have a couple of beers and then pick her up after mass.

If she is OK with that, then she's cool.   :)

Ray


I'd never do that to her. Besides, I think that would show division in peoples eyes and that is something I know Filipino's do not like to show the image of outside the family. I'm pretty much the same way around others. Other friends or family members need to know if there are problems between us. I've heard so many people may criticize this approach in gossip as being fake how people front how everything is perfect when it is not behind closed doors. But that is exactly the case, "Closed doors" meaning "None of Your Business" and if they cant handle that they can kindly stop being around us.

Offline robert angel

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Re: How living in the USA a while has changed your wife--- or is gonna...
« Reply #11 on: January 03, 2018, 01:29:59 PM »

I'd never do that to her. Besides, I think that would show division in peoples eyes and that is something I know Filipino's do not like to show the image of outside the family. I'm pretty much the same way around others. Other friends or family members need to know if there are problems between us. I've heard so many people may criticize this approach in gossip as being fake how people front how everything is perfect when it is not behind closed doors. But that is exactly the case, "Closed doors" meaning "None of Your Business" and if they cant handle that they can kindly stop being around us.

Fos, I'm sure you mean't  to say people: "DON'T need to know if there are problems between us". My wife would never criticize me in front of others, although once we're alone, she may let me know if I did something dumb and/or annoying. She may also tell me how I should've handled something better with my sons--once they're out of earshot.

Maybe call it artificially "keeping up appearances" but in terms of "image" -- especially when we're going out to a social event, her efforts to keep me looking good border on ridiculous. Often a manicure, a massage, moisturizing creams (look up Deciem skin care) sometimes even asking me to take a nap 1st!--picking out and re ironing my clothes, cooridinating my shoes and wristwatch,---I feel like a kid with an overly doting Mom sometimes!

But while we're anything but 'status climbers', my wife feels that my appearance and to some extent, my behavior, reflects strongly upon her. She is about at her happiest when a lady friend comments that I look good, in shape.

Some Filipinas do feel a need (and I can see how it's almost a necessity to prevent blowing a valve) to share bad personal things with one or two of their closest, confidants,  be it a friend or family.

A few days ago, my wife had a close friend, another Filipina,  confide that her husband was secretly chatting with his ex GF.

But my wife has told me, and in an upset way at that, how she doesn't tell anyone, not friends, not family, about when we have an issue and how not having that outlet is hard sometimes. It can bottle up.

But in my 1st, 14 year long marriage to a Filipina, everyone thought we were the poster perfect successful family, when in reality, things were coldly and slowly falling apart. In retrospect, I think letting close family, especially on my side know so that they could've helped might have been wiser. But that's not the typical Filipino way.

Religion and Church in general, don't have to divide an American--Filipina marriage, although if she's quite religious and devout and especially if you have children, you can almost be certain that she'll want the kids at Church, and to be schooled for confirmation and 1st communion at least. At least the kids will be able to make an educated decision later on as adults. I go with my wife to church most of the time, but it's not an issue if we skip a Sunday or if I let her go alone occasionally. Sometimes we'll miss 2 or 3 weeks.  Sometimes, we'll  just catch the quickie (20 minute) Saturday mass at the Cathedral, grab lunch downtown, walk the parks, do some window shopping and people watching. That's a cheap date that's also 'quality time'.

So while attending or not attending church each and every week isn't a non negotiable, namely not an issue, us going together isn't a burden either. We actually attend a few different Catholic churches. From what I've seen, most church issues occur in smaller churches, and/or where people get super involved in the 'social dynamics' and pecking order in one church and end up in cliques, with back biting and gossip. Like I said, going to church no more makes you a Christian (or a good person) than you going into a garage makes you a car.

Lately, she's been getting into watching and reading  evangelistic media, not my 'cup of tea'---which concerns me a bit and I'm watching that. But just like us doing volunteeer community service together---something we both support, I think that'll be OK.


It snowed in North Florida, Georgia and S. Carolina today--01/03/17. In our area, that's very, very rare and this is the most in twenty years. She IS loving it, especially making snow angels and getting to throw snowballs at me!!! ;D
« Last Edit: January 03, 2018, 10:00:16 PM by robert angel »
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Offline utopiacowboy

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Re: How living in the USA a while has changed your wife--- or is gonna...
« Reply #12 on: January 03, 2018, 03:11:07 PM »
You have to watch that right wing Christian evangelism. A couple of my wife's sisters are into it and I absolutely hate it. I told them that the people who support that stuff would send all Latinos to the concentration camps if they could have their way. They were listening to John Hagee, an evangelist from San Antonio, who is positively Satanic. He is a thoroughly corrupt evil man. The only denomination that guy knows is $5, $10, $20.

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Re: How living in the USA a while has changed your wife--- or is gonna...
« Reply #12 on: January 03, 2018, 03:11:07 PM »

Offline mambocowboy

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Re: How living in the USA a while has changed your wife--- or is gonna...
« Reply #13 on: January 03, 2018, 04:01:03 PM »
You have to watch that right wing Christian evangelism. A couple of my wife's sisters are into it and I absolutely hate it. I told them that the people who support that stuff would send all Latinos to the concentration camps if they could have their way. They were listening to John Hagee, an evangelist from San Antonio, who is positively Satanic. He is a thoroughly corrupt evil man. The only denomination that guy knows is $5, $10, $20.
I know a gringo whose colombian wife became a Jehovah witness recently...he's not enjoying it...

Offline benjio

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Re: How living in the USA a while has changed your wife--- or is gonna...
« Reply #14 on: January 03, 2018, 06:15:08 PM »
I know a gringo whose colombian wife became a Jehovah witness recently...he's not enjoying it...

I’ve found foreign women to be very susceptible to influences outside their relationships when the men they married aren’t effective communicators. I’m not making that assumption about your friend, but they are already away from their families and friends. The female desire to maintain consistent social interactions is stronger than her desire for sex or material. It’s why the wive’s of wealthy men who could easily be kept women choose to get jobs or do volunteer work. They need to chat!!! If she’s not getting thst at home she’s going to seatch for it in some other social circle. And that social circle might possibly be just the kind of folks that don’t see eye to eye with her husband.
« Last Edit: January 03, 2018, 06:17:56 PM by benjio »

Offline robert angel

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Re: How living in the USA a while has changed your wife--- or is gonna...
« Reply #15 on: January 03, 2018, 08:36:08 PM »
You have to watch that right wing Christian evangelism. A couple of my wife's sisters are into it and I absolutely hate it. I told them that the people who support that stuff would send all Latinos to the concentration camps if they could have their way. They were listening to John Hagee, an evangelist from San Antonio, who is positively Satanic. He is a thoroughly corrupt evil man. The only denomination that guy knows is $5, $10, $20.

The line between a 'cult leader' and a 'Christian evangelist' isn't always as clear as people think. People get done wrong by both at times.  My wife's views are quite moderate overall. But her having a great deal of compassion, I suppose she could be wrongly seen as a bit of a soft touch for some real sharpster, money grubbing evangelists too.

I don't ask her how much money she puts in the church collection basket or the box for donations when she lights a candle and offers prayers. She's very careful that money for hunger relief and charities overall, goes to legitimate, non top heavy administrative paying relief agencies.

But I told her to stop giving street beggars, especially those smoking Marlboros, some with their dogs in tow--really any street beggars, cash money. I know the cops check to make sure their dogs are up on shots and have licenses. That costs serious money. Ask any tenured Sociology professor and they'll probably tell you that 90%+ of cash you give a street person, goes for drugs and/or alcohol.

Sooooo, when we're out to eat, and she she sees some hard luck looking homeless person outside with no dog or cigarettes, she sometimes  buys them a meal to go! We usually order water with our meal, they get coffee, coke or sweet tea and at least a burger or burito!

In the places we go here in the USA, there are missions and if you're not whacked out on drugs or drunk, you can get a meal and bed. The schedule might not be convenient, they might even have to listen to a sermon at some shelters, but they're there. I know, because my family supports them with money and we, including our kids, with volunteer hours.

But last week, we went up to lovely Charleston, S.C. The beggars were out in large numbers and being Christmas, my wife's resistance was low. She handed a few a couple bucks and then ran out one dollar bill$. Then when she said she was going in to get change from a larger bill to keep handing out more, I said nicely but firmly: "NO"

But back to 'evangelists', she likes watching a youtube series called "Sid Roth---It's Supernatural!", which in a nutshell, (wikipedia, anyway) goes like this:

"Each week, Roth interviews people who claim to have experienced miracles and personal encounters with God."

The guy's not a shuckster, not selling 'lucky coins' (anyone remember reverend ike?), no Falwell or Bakker, but his show plays a bit like a cross between Larry King's old interview show and 'Entertainment Tonight', crossed with '48 Hours'.

Now never mind black magic and supersition---there's plenty of that too in other women around the world, but most guys here who've been involved with any number of Latinas and/or Filipinas, have seen some of them looking for something, preferably a 'sign from God', maybe indicating whether or not you are the ONE. Had one GF I explained I wasn't going to marry and she told me "FINE!- God never gave me a sign anyway! I was obviously outranked.

How many of you have wives or GF's who's family have 'shrines' in their homes? But I dare say most women from these countries,  be they whores or virgins, they still place a lot of stock in religion. Some will look for signs from God, as well as for signs from tarot cards and tea leaves at the same time. I've been approached by hookers, told them 'no thanks', then heard the church bells ring and watch them attend Mass instead. Go figure.

I have never seen any place on earth with as many women who claim to be Atheists or Agnostic as the USA. In a nation where we have so much to be thankful for, or even if it's a person who's had a lot of bad luck, I just don't get it. Maybe you're not sure and you're an agnostic, but to be an atheist certainly isn't the best way to cover your bets in the long run, I don't think....

But my wife believes in God and in miracles, and to be perfectly honest, so do I--some things, besides the 1969 Mets winning the World Series (worst to first!) or the 17.5 point underdog Jets, winning the Super Bowl the same year---again, some things simply can't be explained! LOL.

But increasingly, she likes to read books about how heaven and angels are real and um, hell, for the longest time, she's been an angel to me for at least 26 out of thirty days a month or more, and treats me heavenly, so I'll roll with it!

But we should be very aware that a lot of couples have ended up going separate ways when one member comes to strongly embrace a certain fundamentalist faith, group or doctrine, leaving the other alienated. Not worried about that, but it's food for thought that's crossed my mind. If my wife went Seventh Day Adventist or Jehovah Witness, I'd be gone quick as a slap.

But for now, we still share the same root values, faith and overall sensibilities. She's a softer touch, but still had it together quite well before I met her. While as is inevitable, she's changed and grown since, she still has those qualities.That, given the Mars-Venus, Male -female dynamic differences that are realities we both still accept, and I'm in a vastly better scenario than a lot of couples, that's for sure.

« Last Edit: January 03, 2018, 09:42:15 PM by robert angel »
Whether you think you can or think you can't--you're right!

Offline Fosgate5

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Re: How living in the USA a while has changed your wife--- or is gonna...
« Reply #16 on: January 03, 2018, 09:30:13 PM »
I fell into a trap with my last ex by not going to church. I just got into this relationship and her teenage daughter just hit adolescence. So by me not going she flat out refused to go to church also feeling she now had that option as well. Trying to get her to go was practically impossible and when she would go she would make such an embarrassing spectacle of herself you just wanted to crawl into a hole. Kid was all into that EMO crap and that was a huge problem and an expensive one at that. If me going to church would keep that scenario from ever playing out again I consider it a small price to pay even if it is not my cup of tea.

 

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