It appears you have not registered with our community. To register please click here ...

+-

+-PL Gallery Random Image


Author Topic: Confusion  (Read 13723 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Jimmyhopes

  • New Member
  • *
  • Posts: 25
  • Spouse's Country: Other Asian
  • Status: Committed 0-1 year
  • Trips: None (yet)
Confusion
« on: March 07, 2017, 07:15:09 AM »
So I have a Filipina girlfriend and she's wonderful. However there are times when she has trouble expressing how she feels in English. And that leaves me confused at times. Lately she seems withdrawn and she told me that sometimes she likes to be alone because she has a lot on her mind and there's a lot of stress, and I'm trying to be understanding. I understand the need for space.  But there are still things that she has said that I don't know that I completely understand. I'm trying to read between the lines but sometimes it's difficult. I also have a very bad tendency to overthink everything. But she explained to me that she feels like I should not love her so much because she's afraid of disappointing me and she's afraid of not being what I expect her to be. And this I don't understand. I've never asked for anything; I've never demanded anything; I've never set any kinds of expectations.
I will give a quote from her after I asked if she were having second thoughts about us:

"No. Its not that. I just dont want you to fall in love with me so much. I dont want you to expect too much from me coz what if I was not the one you expected me to be. Yes I appreciate the love and care you showed me but we havent see each other yet. I'm afraid that I may dissapoint you and I don't want you to regret in the end. What I am really trying to say is that, please just take it slow.  Don't be so in love with me. I got so much in my mind. I have a lot of problems you know that. Like i said, sometimes I want to be alone. Yes its weird. I am weird, but this is just me. When I have a problem i dont want anybody will get involved. I don't know Jimmy it is really hard to explain what I am feeling right now. I am falling in love with you and thankful for having you in my life but sometimes i feel that I am not ready yet to settle down.. I dont know. I'm afraid!"

I think that it means that she is simply afraid that I'm not going to be happy with her after we meet. I think she is having a confidence in herself type issue; that's my interpretation. But at the same time she has become more so withdrawn than usual. Yes we still talk every day we still message everyday but she used to really go out of her way to ensure that we would talk on camera or on the phone. Now she doesn't really go out of her way anymore. And yes I do understand that she is very busy with work and that she is very tired and I get that. Maybe it's like a sixth sense; I sense something. I don't know. When we do talk through message, because as I said, we're not talking on the phone nearly as often, the conversations are short. She still responds when I tell her that I love her: she responded with an I love you as well; she still throws me out kisses and stuff all the Mushy Mushy stuff that we do. But that's about it. Maybe I'm overreacting and maybe I'm overthinking. Yes I know that she's busy and that she has lots on her mind and she's also like the Sole Provider of her family and that's a lot of stress for her; I get that. I also know that she's a very very independent woman. I know that I have probably broken every commandment there is as far as dating a Filipina woman but I have actually offered to help her take care of her family or at least take care of herself whenever she sends every penny she has to her family and has nothing left for herself. I've offered to send her money. And I know that was a bad idea but I did. And she refused not once but three times.

All of this being said I know that if in fact it is a confidence issue on her part I need to make sure that I'm the rock she needs. I need to make sure that I'm the one that's confident even though or even if I don't feel confident. I need to make sure that she sees that i have confidence, no matter what, in us; so I've been trying. I haven't been complaining. I haven't been talking to her about what's going through my mind. I've just tried to be supportive and confident and patient.

Well maybe hoping that someone here can help me understand or shed some light on what I'm going through what's happening.

Offline Calipro

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3473
  • Country: 00
  • Spouse's Country: No Selection
  • Status: Looking 0-2 years
  • Trips: None (yet)
Re: Confusion
« Reply #1 on: March 07, 2017, 07:52:37 AM »
So I have a Filipina girlfriend and she's wonderful. However there are times when she has trouble expressing how she feels in English. And that leaves me confused at times. Lately she seems withdrawn and she told me that sometimes she likes to be alone because she has a lot on her mind and there's a lot of stress, and I'm trying to be understanding. I understand the need for space.  But there are still things that she has said that I don't know that I completely understand. I'm trying to read between the lines but sometimes it's difficult. I also have a very bad tendency to overthink everything. But she explained to me that she feels like I should not love her so much because she's afraid of disappointing me and she's afraid of not being what I expect her to be. And this I don't understand. I've never asked for anything; I've never demanded anything; I've never set any kinds of expectations.
I will give a quote from her after I asked if she were having second thoughts about us:

"No. Its not that. I just dont want you to fall in love with me so much. I dont want you to expect too much from me coz what if I was not the one you expected me to be. Yes I appreciate the love and care you showed me but we havent see each other yet. I'm afraid that I may dissapoint you and I don't want you to regret in the end. What I am really trying to say is that, please just take it slow.  Don't be so in love with me. I got so much in my mind. I have a lot of problems you know that. Like i said, sometimes I want to be alone. Yes its weird. I am weird, but this is just me. When I have a problem i dont want anybody will get involved. I don't know Jimmy it is really hard to explain what I am feeling right now. I am falling in love with you and thankful for having you in my life but sometimes i feel that I am not ready yet to settle down.. I dont know. I'm afraid!"

I think that it means that she is simply afraid that I'm not going to be happy with her after we meet. I think she is having a confidence in herself type issue; that's my interpretation. But at the same time she has become more so withdrawn than usual. Yes we still talk every day we still message everyday but she used to really go out of her way to ensure that we would talk on camera or on the phone. Now she doesn't really go out of her way anymore. And yes I do understand that she is very busy with work and that she is very tired and I get that. Maybe it's like a sixth sense; I sense something. I don't know. When we do talk through message, because as I said, we're not talking on the phone nearly as often, the conversations are short. She still responds when I tell her that I love her: she responded with an I love you as well; she still throws me out kisses and stuff all the Mushy Mushy stuff that we do. But that's about it. Maybe I'm overreacting and maybe I'm overthinking. Yes I know that she's busy and that she has lots on her mind and she's also like the Sole Provider of her family and that's a lot of stress for her; I get that. I also know that she's a very very independent woman. I know that I have probably broken every commandment there is as far as dating a Filipina woman but I have actually offered to help her take care of her family or at least take care of herself whenever she sends every penny she has to her family and has nothing left for herself. I've offered to send her money. And I know that was a bad idea but I did. And she refused not once but three times.

All of this being said I know that if in fact it is a confidence issue on her part I need to make sure that I'm the rock she needs. I need to make sure that I'm the one that's confident even though or even if I don't feel confident. I need to make sure that she sees that i have confidence, no matter what, in us; so I've been trying. I haven't been complaining. I haven't been talking to her about what's going through my mind. I've just tried to be supportive and confident and patient.

Well maybe hoping that someone here can help me understand or shed some light on what I'm going through what's happening.


sounds like nothing a few days of a quality time together and sex filled nights couldn't  resolve


then. the both of you will know if you want to move forward or back off.

Offline Ray

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 9647
  • Country: us
  • Gender: Male
  • Spouse's Country: The Philippines
  • Status: Married >5 years
  • Trips: > 10
Re: Confusion
« Reply #2 on: March 07, 2017, 11:01:29 AM »
Hey Jimmy,

So you've never met in person yet?

How long have you known her?

I think you are moving way too fast and need to slow down and back off for a while. She is probably just feeling too overwhelmed.

And stop offering to send money! Money should NEVER even enter the conversation at this stage of the relationship.

If she is working as a live-in nanny or household help, then she may not have much personal time for communicating with you.

Where in the Philippines is she from?

How old are you both?

Does she have any children (that you know of)?


Ray

Planet-Love.com

Re: Confusion
« Reply #2 on: March 07, 2017, 11:01:29 AM »

Offline Jimmyhopes

  • New Member
  • *
  • Posts: 25
  • Spouse's Country: Other Asian
  • Status: Committed 0-1 year
  • Trips: None (yet)
Re: Confusion
« Reply #3 on: March 07, 2017, 12:46:56 PM »
Hey Jimmy,

So you've never met in person yet?

How long have you known her?

I think you are moving way too fast and need to slow down and back off for a while. She is probably just feeling too overwhelmed.

And stop offering to send money! Money should NEVER even enter the conversation at this stage of the relationship.

If she is working as a live-in nanny or household help, then she may not have much personal time for communicating with you.

Where in the Philippines is she from?

How old are you both?

Does she have any children (that you know of)?


Ray


Hey Ray, thanks for responding. I know I should not have offered money.  It's just in me to provide, but it was too soon, for sure.  She's in Taiwan working for a computer manufacturing company. from dumaguete Philippines. she's 29 going on 30, I'm 28 going on 29. She has a son.
I don't mean to overwhelm her. I normally let her be and if we talk it's because she calls me or texts me.
I'm going to taiwan in july to visit her.
You're right though, she is very busy nonetheless. Like I said, I overthink things and im just being selfish. I need to work on that. I just wanted to be sure I wasn't missing anything is all. Wanted to ensure I was understanding what she was trying to say to me. 

Offline Ray

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 9647
  • Country: us
  • Gender: Male
  • Spouse's Country: The Philippines
  • Status: Married >5 years
  • Trips: > 10
Re: Confusion
« Reply #4 on: March 07, 2017, 02:19:19 PM »
Dumaguete girls are awesome!

Planning a visit is a great idea. I would keep in touch regularly, but try not to pressure her too much. She needs a little personal time also. Maybe you could work out a schedule so you could call her at a pre-arranged time a few days a week instead of daily?

If things go well during your visit, I would try to set up a follow-up trip to the Philippines if she has some vacation time coming, maybe around Christmas? Meeting her family and son are very important steps to take before committing all the way.


Ray

« Last Edit: March 07, 2017, 02:23:29 PM by Ray »

Offline Jimmyhopes

  • New Member
  • *
  • Posts: 25
  • Spouse's Country: Other Asian
  • Status: Committed 0-1 year
  • Trips: None (yet)
Re: Confusion
« Reply #5 on: March 07, 2017, 03:18:18 PM »
Dumaguete girls are awesome!

Planning a visit is a great idea. I would keep in touch regularly, but try not to pressure her too much. She needs a little personal time also. Maybe you could work out a schedule so you could call her at a pre-arranged time a few days a week instead of daily?

If things go well during your visit, I would try to set up a follow-up trip to the Philippines if she has some vacation time coming, maybe around Christmas? Meeting her family and son are very important steps to take before committing all the way.


Ray

I completely agree with the visiting. And that's specifically what we have planned.  Her contact will be over in may 2018. Our plan is to see each other in the Philippines so I can celebrate he mom's birthday with her, meet all her family, etc.  The idea is, though, that if we hit it off this coming july,we're going to apply for a fiance visa.  So when I go see her next year in may, I'll bring her and her son back with me.  Again, this is an "if" dependant on july.
I thought about talking to her about taking a break from me, take some time for herself.  But I'm concerned because any time I've made anything close those remarks, she looks hurt and asks why I wouldn't want to talk to her.  So I think I just need to come up with a way to talk to her about it.  I don't want her to get tired or bored with me.  I don't want her to start feeling like I'm obligation. I just want her to be happy.  I could request that I need the time but again, don't want her to feel hurt. She's already having trouble believing that my feelings won't change once we see each other in person.  Which I don't understand why she would feel that way!  Why does she think my feelings will change or that I change my mind?  She's beautiful beyond all reason, so that won't change. So I don't know.  Which is why I'm here.  Maybe there is a cultural thing I'm not understanding. 

Offline robert angel

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6176
  • Country: us
  • Gender: Male
  • Summer 18
  • Spouse's Country: The Philippines
  • Status: Married >5 years
  • Trips: 4 - 10
Re: Confusion
« Reply #6 on: March 07, 2017, 06:06:19 PM »
I agree that backing off a bit sounds good. Typically I suggest that 'making time' to talk everyday is important, but it sounds like things are going too fast here. Maybe every other day...It's a slippery slope sometimes though. A lot of Filipinas have been burnt and played on line a hundred times. Take that, combine suspicion with jealousy that many Filipinas have and sometimes you don't know if you're coming or going.

Sounds like you've done, are doing everything you can to prove yourself, but if she says she needs space and you feel for her unconditionally,  let her know that unequivocally and then see what a bit of 'time out' will do.

You've set some high bars already, taking about visiting Taiwan, meeting her family in the Philippines, etc. Too late now, but as the old saying goes, you've probably 'blown her mind'. Her head's probably spinning and she's having trouble coming to grips with reality and thoughts of what sounds like fairytale romance/promises from you versus a bunch of nightmare romances she's heard more about from other Filipinas.

You may be too hard for her to believe, worst case she's setting up a self-fulfilling prophecy, telling and trying to convince herself: "He's too good to be true"--bet she's seen plenty of 'crash and burns'

Personal insecurities she has about herself and perhaps other unknown factors complicating her life/situation could also be in play here.

No easy answer but I'd give her some space. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be and most thirty y/o Filipinas, especially with a child, would grab at someone like you--you sound like a real decent guy.

Back in the Philippines, she'd have a tough time landing a really good guy--decent Pinoy, what with her supposedly being a single Mom--it's a different world for sure. Hell, women over age thirty who don't have a job already often have an uphill battle to even get a decent job there. Even if she's w/o child and beauty queen material, just getting a job as a sales girl at a mall at age thirty is tough. Age/sex bias is still very real and legal there.

For her not to grab you, the money and lead you on speaks well of her character, but there's some unknown quotient in the equation here. Again, it's something I think only giving her a bit more space and time will help. You might be suffocating her.

Sorry, can't be more helpful.
Whether you think you can or think you can't--you're right!

Offline Jimmyhopes

  • New Member
  • *
  • Posts: 25
  • Spouse's Country: Other Asian
  • Status: Committed 0-1 year
  • Trips: None (yet)
Re: Confusion
« Reply #7 on: March 07, 2017, 07:41:04 PM »
I agree that backing off a bit sounds good. Typically I suggest that 'making time' to talk everyday is important, but it sounds like things are going too fast here. Maybe every other day...It's a slippery slope sometimes though. A lot of Filipinas have been burnt and played on line a hundred times. Take that, combine suspicion with jealousy that many Filipinas have and sometimes you don't know if you're coming or going.

Sounds like you've done, are doing everything you can to prove yourself, but if she says she needs space and you feel for her unconditionally,  let her know that unequivocally and then see what a bit of 'time out' will do.

You've set some high bars already, taking about visiting Taiwan, meeting her family in the Philippines, etc. Too late now, but as the old saying goes, you've probably 'blown her mind'. Her head's probably spinning and she's having trouble coming to grips with reality and thoughts of what sounds like fairytale romance/promises from you versus a bunch of nightmare romances she's heard more about from other Filipinas.

You may be too hard for her to believe, worst case she's setting up a self-fulfilling prophecy, telling and trying to convince herself: "He's too good to be true"--bet she's seen plenty of 'crash and burns'

Personal insecurities she has about herself and perhaps other unknown factors complicating her life/situation could also be in play here.

No easy answer but I'd give her some space. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be and most thirty y/o Filipinas, especially with a child, would grab at someone like you--you sound like a real decent guy.

Back in the Philippines, she'd have a tough time landing a really good guy--decent Pinoy, what with her supposedly being a single Mom--it's a different world for sure. Hell, women over age thirty who don't have a job already often have an uphill battle to even get a decent job there. Even if she's w/o child and beauty queen material, just getting a job as a sales girl at a mall at age thirty is tough. Age/sex bias is still very real and legal there.

For her not to grab you, the money and lead you on speaks well of her character, but there's some unknown quotient in the equation here. Again, it's something I think only giving her a bit more space and time will help. You might be suffocating her.

Sorry, can't be more helpful.

A lot of what you say makes a lot of sense.  It sort of parallels a lot of what I've noticed. 
However, I've never heard any stories about Filipinas getting burned.  I've heard plenty of stories of American men getting burned by them. so please, enlighten me, because it may very well explain a lot for me.  It wasn't long ago that she explained that she was emotional one evening even toning about me and us.  And several times she's mentioned not knowing, but desperately hoping that I'm real, and sincere, and that only time will tell. It would make sense.  So if it's true, then it helps clear up a lot and I love more information.  As odd as it seems to me, that she could fear the same thing I fear.
I also agree fulheartedly that her character is not in question.  As I said, in the beginning, I wondered because of all the stories I've heard. But she has win me over a hundred fold.
As I mentioned, here and to her before, I'm more than willing to give her space.  I've told her before, if she needs space, I'm fine with that!  I said, so long as I know she and I are okay, then I'll be okay if she wants space.  But she's never really taken it, other than seeming slightly withdrawn recently.  And when I say she's never really taken the opportunity for space, I mean, literally, she's the one who always messages me, or calls me.  She contacts me when she wakes up, in her lunch break, and after she gets off work, before going to bed.  Every day.  One evening I decided to tell her I was going to bed early and not to worry about contacting me in her lunch break. And although I kept to my word and didn't converse with her, she acted heart broken.  It is still in my mind,  "so you're not going to wait up and talk to me while I'm at lunch?  I miss you." How am I supposed to resist that?! I did, but it was so hard!  Anyway, point is, I've told her if she needs space, to take it. She hasn't.  I don't know what else to do in that area.
As far as crash and burns, I don't know the specifics other than she's been in one other relationship, her son's father, and he burned her pretty bad.  Cheated on her.  She's told me many times, so long as in faithful and loyal, she'll love me always.  Which is so good with me.  I've always been loyal and faithful in my relationships. And I'm a practicing Christian  (as is she). And I know that may not mean much to you or the world these days, but it means everything to me, and her. 
We're both really liking forward to seeing each other in july.  And as I mentioned, if we hit it off and I prove myself to her, there's no need to wait any longer than what we already have to: 1 year from may.  Plenty of time, quite frankly. 
She's a truly wonderful person and woman. I admire her quite a bit.  She's so independent and considerate and caring and loving.  I know it's a part of their culture as women, but here in America, it's almost nonexistent : for example, every day she asks me if I ate, what I plan to eat, or what i ate.  And if I've not eaten, she becomes disappointed. heh. I'm not used to that! I don't mind it, it's sweet. I also respect her goals to support her son and her family.  She's working to pay for renovations on her parents' home. And iv respect that.  In that, she's asked me outright if I want her to break her contract and speed up the process of her and me and her son being together.  I told her that it was ultimately her choice, but I want her to do what will make her happy and not have regrets.  So we decided she should finish out her contact. Which in turn gives us time even further to get to know each other.  Plus, no visa could go any faster than what we're going. 
 Sorry for the book. Needless to say, I'm passionate about this woman. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me, by far. 

Offline Jimmyhopes

  • New Member
  • *
  • Posts: 25
  • Spouse's Country: Other Asian
  • Status: Committed 0-1 year
  • Trips: None (yet)
Re: Confusion
« Reply #8 on: March 07, 2017, 09:43:09 PM »
Anyone think it would be totally stupid of me to, perhaps if everything is perfect, propose while I'm there with her July?  It would definitely be a long engagement,but, would that not be the final reassurance she would need to know that I'm for real, serious?

Offline Ray

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 9647
  • Country: us
  • Gender: Male
  • Spouse's Country: The Philippines
  • Status: Married >5 years
  • Trips: > 10
Re: Confusion
« Reply #9 on: March 07, 2017, 11:43:51 PM »
Anyone think it would be totally stupid of me to, perhaps if everything is perfect, propose while I'm there with her July?  It would definitely be a long engagement,but, would that not be the final reassurance she would need to know that I'm for real, serious?

A note about Filipino culture: If she comes from a traditional Filipino family, it would be expected that you ask permission from her father to marry her before making too many wedding plans. In the absence of a father, an older brother would fill that role. Or even her mom. This should be discussed with her to see if it applies in her case.

I know it would be better if you could talk to her family face-to-face, but since she is in Taiwan, that makes it more complicated. My advice would be to go meet her in July, and if you two then decide to go forward from there, you could communicate directly with some of her family members before you visit the PI so that they could feel more comfortable about you. You should expect her family to be wary of you and be deeply concerned about her safety and well being if she marries you and emigrates to the USA. Like Robert mentioned, she and her family have all heard of the horror stories that a few young ladies in her situation have experienced.

Another important point... You need to know positively that she is not/was never married. Divorce isn't an option in the Philippines and you need to be sure before you decide to go ahead with any visa process and later find out she is ineligible.

Also, the fiancée visa in not the only option. A traditional Filipino wedding in her home town may or may not be what she really would prefer, so you may want to discuss that later if and when the time comes for planning a marriage.

And read that book I recommended!  ;)


Ray
« Last Edit: March 07, 2017, 11:47:17 PM by Ray »

Offline Jimmyhopes

  • New Member
  • *
  • Posts: 25
  • Spouse's Country: Other Asian
  • Status: Committed 0-1 year
  • Trips: None (yet)
Re: Confusion
« Reply #10 on: March 08, 2017, 07:39:50 AM »
A note about Filipino culture: If she comes from a traditional Filipino family, it would be expected that you ask permission from her father to marry her before making too many wedding plans. In the absence of a father, an older brother would fill that role. Or even her mom. This should be discussed with her to see if it applies in her case.

I know it would be better if you could talk to her family face-to-face, but since she is in Taiwan, that makes it more complicated. My advice would be to go meet her in July, and if you two then decide to go forward from there, you could communicate directly with some of her family members before you visit the PI so that they could feel more comfortable about you. You should expect her family to be wary of you and be deeply concerned about her safety and well being if she marries you and emigrates to the USA. Like Robert mentioned, she and her family have all heard of the horror stories that a few young ladies in her situation have experienced.

Another important point... You need to know positively that she is not/was never married. Divorce isn't an option in the Philippines and you need to be sure before you decide to go ahead with any visa process and later find out she is ineligible.

Also, the fiancée visa in not the only option. A traditional Filipino wedding in her home town may or may not be what she really would prefer, so you may want to discuss that later if and when the time comes for planning a marriage.

And read that book I recommended!  ;)


Ray

Yeah, I've talked to her about if she had been married before.  She said no. Which is part of the reason she feels so guilty and indebted to her parents, having been so young and dishonoring them.  I've also stated that I wish to ask her father first for her hand and she told me that would be nice but overall, her parents know she's capable of making her own decisions.
As far as family, the only family member of hers that I've spoken to is her sister. And her sister ended up trying to get money out of me. My girlfriend was furious with her too.

Okay so, if not a proposal, what else to prove myself could I do?  I think no matter what, we're planning to apply for the visa no later than November. 4 to 6 months for approval, so by may, we should be good.  Then as I said, I'll bring her and her son back with me. Marry here in the US in late may or June.

That book....I don't $2000 to spend on a book.  Although I would like to read it. There is one for $25 but don't know if that's the right one. 

She and I did discuss the fiance and spousal visas and decided on the fiance visa.because it's easier and faster. The spousal one we would have to wait a year for her contract to end, then go to the Philippines, get married, them wait another year or more for it to, maybe, be approved.  We would not want to wait that long.

Offline Elexpatriado

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3459
  • Spouse's Country: No Selection
  • Status: Looking 0-2 years
  • Trips: Resident
Re: Confusion
« Reply #11 on: March 08, 2017, 08:06:30 AM »
Hmm.. I cant believe it.. here is a guy going on and on with several hundred word  diatribes and talk of marriage about a girl, and only one ,  he hasn't even met in real life.


And a young one at that..not an old Saggy Balled coot either..


Bizarre beyond reason


I don't want to offend you, but have you talked to a real-life guidance counselor about this?

Offline mambocowboy

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1528
  • Country: 00
  • Spouse's Country: Colombia
  • Status: Married >5 years
  • Trips: 4 - 10
Re: Confusion
« Reply #12 on: March 08, 2017, 08:14:19 AM »
Hmm.. I cant believe it.. here is a guy going on and on with several hundred word  diatribes and talk of marriage about a girl, and only one ,  he hasn't even met in real life.


And a young one at that..not an old Saggy Balled coot either..


Bizarre beyond reason


I don't want to offend you, but have you talked to a real-life guidance counselor about this?
Haven't met? Holy cow! If that's true, marriage shouldn't be a consideration. Get to know each other first. Slow down!

Planet-Love.com

Re: Confusion
« Reply #12 on: March 08, 2017, 08:14:19 AM »

Offline Jimmyhopes

  • New Member
  • *
  • Posts: 25
  • Spouse's Country: Other Asian
  • Status: Committed 0-1 year
  • Trips: None (yet)
Re: Confusion
« Reply #13 on: March 08, 2017, 09:03:00 AM »
We are taking it slow. And no, I'm not old. Most guys don't even start to think about settling down until they're my age or older. I'm different in that I've wanted it since I was 16. Secondly, there are no immediate plans with this girl. No matter what, we have a year and a half before anything like that could happen. Thirdly, she is on the other side of the world and, although it is a mere possibility, out will require a lot of careful planning. If she lived here and we met, then we would do things normal, date for a while and then (just like now )if everything felt right, we would get engaged, then after some time, marriage. Everything is different since we're a world apart. Normal dating us out of the question. 
Anyway, this all has just been a discussion. Nothing that is going to happen tomorrow.
What's wrong with trying to be prepared: saving money, planning, learning, etc.?   Yes, we've talked about it, but is it going to happen anytime soon?  No.
The marriage discussion was not why I am here.  It just came up in conversation.
That being said, i would still like to learn more about her culture.

Offline Ray

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 9647
  • Country: us
  • Gender: Male
  • Spouse's Country: The Philippines
  • Status: Married >5 years
  • Trips: > 10
Re: Confusion
« Reply #14 on: March 08, 2017, 01:38:02 PM »

Quote
I think no matter what, we're planning to apply for the visa no later than November

Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy!

Slow down there partner. I think you're moving way too fast.

There's nothing wrong with exploring the possible options available IF you two hit it off during you're visit. But you need to take this thing one step at a time.

Go to visit and see how you both feel. Do not propose a day after meeting her. Finish your trip, come home, do some serious thinking, and then make decisions about a permanent commitment. You know you have 2 years to file for a fiancée vis after meeting in person.

This attitude of 'this visa is faster', and 'we don't want to wait that long' has gotten many guys (and ladies) into terrible situations. You're still young and shouldn't fee the need to rush anything.


Ray

Offline Ray

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 9647
  • Country: us
  • Gender: Male
  • Spouse's Country: The Philippines
  • Status: Married >5 years
  • Trips: > 10
Re: Confusion
« Reply #15 on: March 08, 2017, 01:44:31 PM »
OK, on that book price... I checked Amazon and there some totally ridiculous prices quoted there.

On e-bay, I see an older edition (black cover) in very good condition for under 4 bucks with free shipping. I would get that one and you will still get a good feel for the culture.


Ray

Offline Jimmyhopes

  • New Member
  • *
  • Posts: 25
  • Spouse's Country: Other Asian
  • Status: Committed 0-1 year
  • Trips: None (yet)
Re: Confusion
« Reply #16 on: March 08, 2017, 03:36:38 PM »
Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy!

Slow down ther3e partner. I think you're moving way too fast.

There's nothing wrong with exploring the possible options available IF you two hit it off during you're visit. But you need to take this thing one step at a time.

Go to visit and see how you both feel. Do not propose a day after meeting her. Finish your trip, come home, do some serious thinking, and then make decisions about a permanent commitment. You know you have 2 years to file for a fiancée vis after meeting in person.

This attitude of 'this visa is faster', and 'we don't want to wait that long' has gotten many guys (and ladies) into terrible situations. You're still young and shouldn't fee the need to rush anything.


Ray

Yes, that's why I said we're waiting until July.  The quote you got me on was apart of the "if."
Right now, marriage is a possibility. but we're not focused on that until later down the road if it becomes more of a probability. Right now we're focused on each other, getting to know each other, learning about one another.  Which is why I'm here.

Offline MariaJBueno

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 112
  • Country: co
  • Gender: Female
  • Colombia´s #1 Matchmaker
    • Exclusive Colombian Matchmaker
  • Spouse's Country: No Selection
  • Status: Married >5 years
  • Trips: Resident
Re: Confusion
« Reply #17 on: March 09, 2017, 01:21:27 PM »
" I also know that she's a very very independent woman."

Your notion of independence might not fit her reality. She might be more naive and fragile than you think.


But you should slow down, life's too short, you don't even know her yet.
If she means well she might just be afraid that you will disappear on her. The only thing she needs from you is consistency. Time and dedication, not your money and your time is your most valuable asset.   
Just slow down and have fun.. IGNORE the drama, just listen and move past it, deal with the drama after you meet her in July.


Best of luck!


 ;)
« Last Edit: March 09, 2017, 01:25:05 PM by MariaJBueno »
Let me personally help you find your Colombian queen today, and save you a lot of time, money, and heartache from dating the wrong women: 
www.ExclusiveColombianMatchmaker.com
----------------
Let's Talk!
http://bit.ly/2NRwsHG
Follow Me:
IG: @colombianmatchmaker
CH: @matchmakercol

Offline robert angel

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6176
  • Country: us
  • Gender: Male
  • Summer 18
  • Spouse's Country: The Philippines
  • Status: Married >5 years
  • Trips: 4 - 10
Re: Confusion
« Reply #18 on: March 10, 2017, 09:27:35 AM »

"""I think that it means that she is simply afraid that I'm not going to be happy with her after we meet. I think she is having a confidence in herself type issue; that's my interpretation. But at the same time she has become more so withdrawn than usual. Yes we still talk every day we still message everyday but she used to really go out of her way to ensure that we would talk on camera or on the phone. Now she doesn't really go out of her way anymore"""

I'll level with you fellow, there are a lot of mixed signals here. 'Red flags' as we call them.You've offered to send her money repeatedly and to help support her family. I think it's tremendous that she's resisted your efforts there, but her sister is certainly interested at the prospect, has on her owin initiative stuck her hand out and you've yet to meet the rest of the family

She's insecure and worried perhaps. A real worrier it sounds like. Unsure. I think confusion is definitely there, as well as indeciveness. It seems the communication runs hot and cold---sometimes even initiated by her for quite a bit occasionally, then that tapers off.Would you say she's 'moody'---?most women are to some extent, but it sounds like this gal is more than most.

You've got a mixed bag here, but she's definite showing some personality characteristics that would concern most guys. A few days in Taiwan with her probably will give a little bit of added insight, but not much. Short trips are almost bad in a way, as it's usually alll sweetness and light, much like a honeymoon. Only TIME will reveal the true realities.

But if you could be more objective, do you think the personality characteristics she's shown overall are what you'd want in a woman you hope to live with the rest of your life? A woman who if it doesn't work out with,  you'll probably legally have to continue to support her, including child support payments?

Meanwhile, you''ve asked her to marry you, gotten involved with her family with not all great results, obliged yourself to support her family, although you admit money's a bit tight, again with a woman you've yet to meet personally. Money is evil and too little or too much destroys relationships everyday.

It doesn't sound like she'd looking to burn, you--to take you for 'a ride' so to speak. I'm just concerned that you may be doing that yourself.

Age 30 to 40 are the most prime years in terms of your appeal to foreign women. What's the rush? If she needs more space, I'd seriously agree,  step back and see how it goes. Like I said, if it's meant to be, it will work out. Aftrr I met my wife, we backed off. I even went to her country to be with another woman and didn't even take time to catch a short flight and have lunch with my now wife. But later on, we realized we were right for each other.

Hopefully if you take time and allow space and a cooling off of your infatuation, it'll give you both a clearer mind, allowing objectivity. It would also allow you to honorably explore other options. There might be more stable, attractive women out there who aren't as complicated.Are you all about suddenly becoming a father? I am concerned that you might be over romanticized a situation that in reality would probably be a lot different than what you're visualizing.

Never think you're going to marry someone and after things have settled down, or after you've 'proved yourself' that the other persons's going to change. They rarely do to any significant extent. Marriages all eventually have rough times. If she feels later on that you pushed her too hard, too fast into this, it won't make it any better.
Whether you think you can or think you can't--you're right!

Offline Rschnb67

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 116
  • Country: 00
  • Spouse's Country: No Selection
  • Status: Looking 0-2 years
  • Trips: None (yet)
Re: Confusion
« Reply #19 on: March 11, 2017, 06:21:58 AM »
I would not slow down I would turn around and run the other way especially from those Filipinos you definetly have to meet a few times and if she's already withdrawn I can't imagine what you're in for later. Good luck with that one partner and to boot she has a kid

Offline Jimmyhopes

  • New Member
  • *
  • Posts: 25
  • Spouse's Country: Other Asian
  • Status: Committed 0-1 year
  • Trips: None (yet)
Re: Confusion
« Reply #20 on: March 11, 2017, 08:54:10 AM »
This is getting out of hand. Okay, I feel I've not been clear.  No she's not moody. Never has been. And I've been with a woman who was incredibly moody. My current girlfriend is not moody, not even a little.  Stressed over work, yes, but she never treated me poorly.
This whole issue is about me. I'm the issue. In the one who is insecure. The whole reason I came here was because I was feeling insecure. It's something I need to work on, on myself.  Which is why I over examined and over thought everything. This is on me, not her.
Somehow this has turned into a thing where she has been painted as the "bad guy." She's not, really.  Not moody, not wishy washy. No red flags, trust me, I've looked. 
She's been stressed at work lately, which, who doesn't get stressed over work or bills.  If she really were wishy washy, she would be moody or she wouldn't talk to me at all.  But, she's not like that at all.  She still calls every day, she's still sweet even if she's stressed. 
I'm proud of her and she's accomplished. I want to be here for her and support her, as I should. 
I don't mind that she has a kid. Not in the slightest. He's a smart kid and very loving. 
Anyway, hope this clears some things up.  I came here to better understand filipina culture so that I can be more supportive and understanding.  I also came here because, as I said, I'm the one that's insecure, about me. I need to work on that before I drive her away.  I think I've been doing okay with not overwhelming her or pressuring her. 

Offline robert angel

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6176
  • Country: us
  • Gender: Male
  • Summer 18
  • Spouse's Country: The Philippines
  • Status: Married >5 years
  • Trips: 4 - 10
Re: Confusion
« Reply #21 on: March 11, 2017, 08:58:01 AM »
OK, gloves, off--don't take it personal. I'm not here to bust balls or pop dreams. But having been involved with numerous Filipinas, made numerous trips there, been married to two for over 25 years, knowing a bit what a Filipino at home or working abroad faces, I think my statements carry some weight

You might think of taking a cold shower and then ending things. It doesn't look too inviting, you're basically throwing yourself at her, offering money left and right and half the time she's pushing you away.

 Her skills and education probably don't translate here into a decent paying job and even if she got one, the cost of a child, with or without day care, is much more than non parents realize. Nothing personal or wrong, but sounds like you're still working towards building a career that pays a stable living wage/salary. A situation like this could eat you alive and money stress breaks up marriages as much as any factor.

Meanwhiile, not that she sounds from your desciption as loose and easy, but a lot of guys with deep pockets and fancy cars would be falling over to get a gal like that.Temptation, especially  when the inevitable rough patches in a mariage come, can gradually entice a person for at least temporary unfaithfulness. If she makes some sketchy Filipina friends who don't take to you, they'll match her up. That's sadly the way it too often is here..

Unless you want to be a martyr, I'd give her the space she has told you wants and start again. I bet she's real eye candy and in a place like most areas of the USA, being told how hot she is would shore up that lack of self confidence in no time. She'd be a desirable, exotic beauty, far more desirable here, than she would be seen as in the Asia, the Midle East, etc. Guys are oft cautioned here to think with 'the big head' and not the smaller one. Consider that.

It sounds like you're near OCD, infatuated here and not comprehending logic or odds.It's your life to chance throwing away or to pragamatically, using logic and also very importantly, taking the TIME to change course, regroup and start over, lessons learned.

You may end it and still be friends, ( although ending it politely but quickly sounds much better) but seeing how you already asked her to marry you and help support her family, that's not certain. What is sure, is that you've got yourself into a mess, now is it going to be long or short term?

Don't think that her insecurities and indeciveness are ever going to go away.

Again at your age, you have ten years, really up to age 45 to be the 'catch' Heck just this week alone, two guys are talking about having kids with their wive, well into their 50s.

You hold the cards, YOU'RE the 'catch' here! Stop kissing her ass and making excuses for her.

Stop throwing yourself at someone who keeps sending you mixed signals.

I always laughed when I saw Filipina's profiles saying they want a prince, a knight in shining armour, on white horse to come, take her away and treat her like a princess. Hilarious. But here, you're acting just like that fairytale character. She's not into it, but you keep pushing it. Insane.

The writing, based on all you've said anyways, seems to be on the proverbial wall and in no way, shape or form does it appear promising. You can deceive yourself, but reality can and often inevitably is, a cold bitch slap in the face.

Again, quit decieving yourself. Get out before you hurt each other worse and while you have plenty of time to do it right, lessons learned.

Enough, I'm hungry---my lovely wife's calling me to breakfast a third time., it's a gorgous day for us to walk around the lake. I'll say a prayer for you
Whether you think you can or think you can't--you're right!

Offline robert angel

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6176
  • Country: us
  • Gender: Male
  • Summer 18
  • Spouse's Country: The Philippines
  • Status: Married >5 years
  • Trips: 4 - 10
Re: Confusion
« Reply #22 on: March 11, 2017, 09:09:52 AM »
This is getting out of hand. Okay, I feel I've not been clear.  No she's not moody. Never has been. And I've been with a woman who was incredibly moody. My current girlfriend is not moody, not even a little.  Stressed over work, yes, but she never treated me poorly.
This whole issue is about me. I'm the issue. In the one who is insecure. The whole reason I came here was because I was feeling insecure. It's something I need to work on, on myself.  Which is why I over examined and over thought everything. This is on me, not her.
Somehow this has turned into a thing where she has been painted as the "bad guy." She's not, really.  Not moody, not wishy washy. No red flags, trust me, I've looked. 
She's been stressed at work lately, which, who doesn't get stressed over work or bills.  If she really were wishy washy, she would be moody or she wouldn't talk to me at all.  But, she's not like that at all.  She still calls every day, she's still sweet even if she's stressed. 
I'm proud of her and she's accomplished. I want to be here for her and support her, as I should. 
I don't mind that she has a kid. Not in the slightest. He's a smart kid and very loving. 
Anyway, hope this clears some things up.  I came here to better understand filipina culture so that I can be more supportive and understanding.  I also came here because, as I said, I'm the one that's insecure, about me. I need to work on that before I drive her away.  I think I've been doing okay with not overwhelming her or pressuring her.

OMG. Read what I wrote above, largely based (at least as it appears now this morning) on to put it nicer than I should,  less than accurate details and you being less than being frank about your own issues.

 These only make it harder to help you. Still sounds like a mismatch, and two basket cases put into one with a child at that, is a terrifying prospect.

Work on your own issues first. Marriage is not going to resolve them, only exaceberate them, exponentially increasing misery and lead to disaster. She's not going to change or save you--only you can.If you want to go broke on an already admitted tight budget, risk marriage, divorce and child support, I can no more prevent that than I can prevent you from jumping off a bridge.
Whether you think you can or think you can't--you're right!

Planet-Love.com

Re: Confusion
« Reply #22 on: March 11, 2017, 09:09:52 AM »

Offline Ricardo1

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 251
Re: Confusion
« Reply #23 on: March 11, 2017, 11:32:39 AM »


This whole issue is about me. I'm the issue. In the one who is insecure. The whole reason I came here was because I was feeling insecure. It's something I need to work on, on myself.  Which is why I over examined and over thought everything. This is on me, not her.

Somehow this has turned into a thing where she has been painted as the "bad guy." She's not, really.  Not moody, not wishy washy. No red flags, trust me, I've looked. 


 If she really were wishy washy, she would be moody or she wouldn't talk to me at all.  But, she's not like that at all.  She still calls every day, she's still sweet even if she's stressed. 


I'm proud of her and she's accomplished. I want to be here for her and support her, as I should. 
 


Jimmy,


You should read and re-read what RA wrote in reply to your post....
It seems you've recognized that you have some personal issues to deal with - good that you realize that! Now just work on yourself!


You shouldn't be focusing on one woman at this time, especially via a long-distance, inter-cultural relationship. 


If you're interested in a Filipina, great! Why not get acquainted with a few online, and take a trip, meet them, experience a bit of the culture, have a good vacation, have fun and enjoy the female attention.  A vacation where you get a lot of attention from women, may do you good.  But don't be looking for an exclusive relationship - that's putting the cart before the horse.


And, another thing: quit thinking you have to be there for her - you're not even in a relationship! Behaving like that will only serve to lower your value, and cause her to have less respect for you. 


Her family and friends have the role of being there for her - not you!! at least not at this stage.

Offline Ray

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 9647
  • Country: us
  • Gender: Male
  • Spouse's Country: The Philippines
  • Status: Married >5 years
  • Trips: > 10
Re: Confusion
« Reply #24 on: March 11, 2017, 03:34:24 PM »

OK Jimmy,

I don't see any urgent need for you to run for the hills just yet.

BUT, I really think you need to slow down and grasp reality. I know you are probably experiencing a fantasy land dream because a sweet, cute female is showing you the kind of attention that nobody else has. I know the feeling.

A couple of questions:

Are you ready to support her family for the next 20+ years?

Are you prepared to handle her greedy sister (and maybe others) when she incessantly bugs your wife for money? Believe me, she won't want to deal with it so YOU will have to do it yourself.

When (not if) she comes here and wants to work, are you prepared to accept the fact that she will want to send virtually all of her income home to her family, in deference to the needs of your own family?

Not trying to bust your balls Jimmy, just trying to make you aware of some of the cultural differences you will need to deal with.

When you get that book I told you to read, look up the term "utang na loob" for starters.

If I were you, I would go ahead and make that trip in July, but be careful not to commit to anything that you have not fully thought out...

I wish you luck brother!


Ray



 

Sponsor Twr1R

PL Stats

Members
Total Members: 5871
Latest: ponttbryr
New This Month: 1
New This Week: 0
New Today: 0
Stats
Total Posts: 133128
Total Topics: 7864
Most Online Today: 299
Most Online Ever: 1000
(December 26, 2022, 11:57:37 PM)
Users Online
Members: 0
Guests: 288
Total: 288
Powered by EzPortal