Reporting Divorce

[robert angel]

Ja.ja..I am not the only One who "failed".. How many wives have Calipro had? MUDD.., RA,  how many guys on here havent been divorced?

Very few..anyway Really dont care what you think..

Uh,  excuse me--but I forgot to keep track. But while I never insinuated that the majority of guys here haven't gotten divorced at least once,  I'd not only assume they have,  but that the majority of the 'gung-ho' young bucks on here, especially the ones who after a few months of chatting and  spending all of 2-3 weeks 'vacationing' with some barrio babe they end up marrying and bringing to the USA, will also end up amongst the ranks of the divorced guys.

The difference between a few weeks of resort type living in some exotic locale with a beautiful babe versus you settling in the USA and leaving her home for 9 or 10 hours a day while you work your 8 to 5 is vastly different. Even your love life will change. Instead of 'vacation style', reality sets in. The honeymoon soon fades, chores must be done--life becomes somewhat more of an exercise in logistics. Big and little 'faults' each of you have become much more apparent. You might become a little more 'used' to each other--even bored occasionally, perhaps taking each other for granted, wishing the other was, or had, more of 'this or that', wondering if you really made the correct decision and how nice it was to be free and single before--with fewer responsibilities.

Take a girl who's not used to much of life in a first world country--who's had her perception of life elsewhere made up mostly by TV and movies, never mind life and all it's distractions --the reality of actually living in a first world country--add in some new girlfriends for her from her home country who've learned all the angles of life in the USA, maybe even some who've been divorced and carry their lawyer's card in their purse, and you can find your self on a slippery slope pretty fast.

If you have a woman who suddenly starts to increasingly covet designer brands, the homes and cars some of her friends have--the things she sees in the media etc. and you try and keep her happy in that regard, instead of setting her mind straight, you'll find yourself building the perfect monster--one that will consume you, as well as your money.

In my case, it was more like the sand below our feet slowly disappearing over a 14 year period and it being too late by the time it ended--the sand had long before washed out to sea. We seemingly had it all--the big house backing up to the woods, nice cars, vacations, the boat, his and hers Rolexes, money in bank, retirement accounts--but none of that really mattered in retrospect. Yes, it came back to bite us in the ass during the lengthily divorce proceedings, but never helped us during our marriage. In fact, making enough money to the point where we didn't necessarily need each other to live at a decent level anymore worked against us. We each became more disposable.

Everyone would later say: "You were the LAST couple we ever expected to get divorced". Why?--public or privately, we never confronted each other--very rarely fighting--certainly never in front of the kids. Well dressed and mannered, two handsome sons conveying the same. But behind the scenes, a cold relationship, getting colder by the year, with regression accompanied with passive aggression--withholding communication about relationships issues that irked each of us. Maybe if we had fought--even threw some plates, it would've worked out.

A couple years ago, I was in a wedding--an old school Baptist Preacher convened. Great guy. He said:

"Ya'll might be interested to know my wonderful wife ______ and I have been married 54 years. Let me tell you, when you hear people say "Never go to bed angry at each other" Well, that THAT's a bunch of hooey--what you SHOULD remember and what's kept us together all these years is --'Never go to bed angry with each other--be like us--WE STAY UP AND FIGHT!!" (Till it's resolved, obviously)

 Afterwards, it became painfully clear why that happened in my first marriage--we were all about the kids--about 'logistics' and not about 'us' as a couple. Even after you have children, maybe even more so then, you have to take--you have to 'make' special time for the two of you to keep it alive. We didn't trust bay sitters, she worked nights, and weekends, I worked Monday through Friday, 8 to 5. Not an optimum schedule scenario for a marriage and family, in retrospect.

Heck, I'll go out on a limb and generalize that to 50%+ of  guys here who marry a woman from any country and bring her back to USA will end up divorced. I'm not perfect, it could happen to me again, so don't think I'm preaching like I'm some paragon of virtue--far from it. "Stupid is as stupid does" and "I am what I am" is as part of me as it's probably part of you.

So I explained in even more excruciating details before, how my first marriage, with two young sons suffering the collateral damage, slowly fell apart and ended in a divorce and even how 15 years later, my ex can't manage a normal, civil conversation - - - and I never screwed around behind her back--it boils down to $$$ and simmering resentments,  although she still makes great money--more than me, probably.


If I said to her--"I won 100 million dollars, but they said I had to split it with you--BUT you have to say three words before I can get my fifty million and you get the other fifty million----"Just say THREE words!"

She'd look at me straight in the eye and with a smirk of a smile, say:

"You lose"

Some people just can't 'let go of the stone' and the negative effects of that effect everyone around them, especially the kids, if they're an unfortunate part of that dynamic. Just as with the example you set as a married couple, children deserve to see that two adults can separate and still be friends or at least have a civil and effective working relationship.

But when the divorce comes, very, very few guys come back here and tell the tale. It's sad, because just as much as telling guys how you make a good marriage work, telling them how a once good marriage fell apart can help people. Maybe they're ashamed,  I don't know. But I don't really think it purely boils down to personal preference and a desire for privacy. How many people here know who you really are--where you live, your last name, etc? Guys here typically just don't want to admit weakness or failure, even if it might help others avoid the same pain.

I think most of the guys here are different, are narcissistic,  bound to go their own way and aren't the type to share information, information  that despite their protestations, wouldn't remotely hurt them or their loved ones,  but might possibly help the few guys here who do tune in, listening and learning. Again, they don't want to admit failure. And so it goes....

[JasonA]

I'm pleasantly surprised that dating at age 40 is better in JasonA's area. Maybe it's because most women in the deep south get married so young, have kids young, a lot of the guys do them badly and my area is smallish, but dating wasn't fun at 40 for me. Glad it can be pretty good. Probably reflects your attitude.

I do know that a guy having his own house, even if the lady already has one, makes a positive impression just for starters. It just shows an ability to accomplish, stability and more.I remember girls I dated wanting to come over with friends, just to 'have a look'. I thought it was a little weird, 2 or 3 pretty ladies 'inviting themselves' over, but it was kind of cool in a way too.

To touch on this subject, I had two different women tell me that part of the reason that they were interested in me was because I didn't have kids and my ex wouldn't be in the picture. The funny thing is that one of them had a kid of her own. She admitted to being a hypocrite on the subject. Lol

Like Awesome said in his post above, if you're in ok shape physically, dress halfway decent, aren't too short, have a little personality and aren't too creepy, you can get dates with attractive women here. It might take a little more effort, but within a couple of dates... you'll be a happy guy. I've got so many pics of boobs & everything else on my phone right now, it's ridiculous. Women these days are pretty uninhibited. Gotta score a few trust points & then you're a member of her freaky club!

[robert angel]

To touch on this subject, I had two different women tell me that part of the reason that they were interested in me was because I didn't have kids and my ex wouldn't be in the picture. The funny thing is that one of them had a kid of her own. She admitted to being a hypocrite on the subject. Lol

Like Awesome said in his post above, if you're in ok shape physically, dress halfway decent, aren't too short, have a little personality and aren't too creepy, you can get dates with attractive women here. It might take a little more effort, but within a couple of dates... you'll be a happy guy. I've got so many pics of boobs & everything else on my phone right now, it's ridiculous. Women these days are pretty uninhibited. Gotta score a few trust points & then you're a member of her freaky club!

Anybody who gets married ought to take at LEAST a couple years, then think long and hard, BEFORE having children.

As to GF's and kids from prior rodeos,--errr 'baggage'--expect more of the same--USA women are certainly like that. GF's and guys having ex wives and kids from a prior marriage/s --well, they're naturally purely loathe to them, even if they don't admit it. It takes time, money and attention away from them. Then on top of that, they have to deal with someone else's spawn, feed and clean up after them, go to all kinds of events...

Just be glad you weren't married too long, to the point where when things get crazy--tense, you might mutter your ex wife's name by accident instead of your current GF's or wife's at an inopportune moment. Been there a few times and NOT good, LOL. Neither is saying, when she wonders why you're doing some incredible things for your kids "Well, they're MY KIDS--I'm obligated!! Pure voodoo talk.

If there's any one thing that's created the most tension between my wife and I, it's my kids. She didn't know what she was getting into until she got here and deserves Sainthood for hanging with us as long as she has, offering good, tactful, diplomatic advice all along the way too.

My older son in particular, really tried to make it difficult between us--talking back, playing his guitar loud at the oddest time etc. If I never hear another guitar lick from Metallica, Nirvana, Fallout Boy or Weezer, It's perfectly fine. Exit the sandman...I lit into him a number of times, even chipping one of his guitars while beating him with it once, but it was sort of like fighting fire with fire. Now he's in no hurry to finish college--why should he? His health insurance is covered, he's got his own apt. on the park, makes hundreds of bucks a night as a waiter, serving a $100+ plus dinners--last month, besides the uber rich locals, it was Robert DeNiro and Zach Efron, this month it's Adam Sandler, Paula Patton and that guy who played 'Dexter'. They tip well. Everyplace he gets hired, he has them agree to letting him off for Bonaroo and other multiday rock festivals.

Then my younger son sort of feels his 'real' job is to keep a straight 'A' average, like his brother, be a musical virtuoso and keep his 'first chair' position in what ever ace band, orchestra he's in. That and remaining a 'world class' international player on X Box Live games. Oh--and maintaining his rank position in tournament chess. Both are fashionistas too.

I about smacked my younger son down yesterday when there was there was nothing in The GAP that he found to his taste to bring to college his first year. Instead he insisted on doing on-line shopping at Nordstroms and sending me links. Made it worse when he explained that he "vetted the clothing on-line with the babes who have real good taste." He found a website where you can buy expensive eye glasses and superimpose them on a picture of your face you downloaded. I told him "No go--try it on in real life, and then call me." I also told him: "First of all, I don't shop at Nordstroms, and you ought to grow a pair and decide what's best for yourself and make your own style--stop being a damn follower, worrying about what other people think--LEAD"--and that I wasn't going to drop a bundle on on-line stuff anyway ("Oh Dad--I checked all the measurements and they fit exactly like my favorite shirts--Mom will buy the other half...") I told him it all sounded half baked and the besides, the clothing looked pretty gay to me. He wasn't happy, LOL.

I long ago stopped buying them clothes w/o them there. I would bring them home, they'd say "Oh--fine dad--then they'd end up in a corner, in a closet, never worn.

I can complain all I want, but I have to look in the mirror and accept that I played a big portion in creating the monsters, besides my ex and I allowing them to use division between her and I to get almost whatever they wanted. It's easy enough already, but a lack of communication makes it even easier for kids to use the situation to great benefit.

No woman in her right mind wants to walk into a guy's life when he has that kind of baggage. A good woman will try, but still maintain a respectful reserve for the kid's natural mother's role and that always creates a precarious, ever changing situation. Difficult balancing act at best...

A woman, especially a well raised and educated lady from a different country/culture, will often have difficulty with the way USA kids often act and behave, their materialism, the Nintendo/Xbox/PlayStation factor, the nagging it often takes for them to do chores, to help around the house.

Then they see other families from their home country, even with husband and wife the same nationality, with kids born and raised in the USA and they're almost always similar--great students, handsome and popular, but not into 'group think and family first' like back home.

There's just something about raising kids in the USA that makes it inherently challenging. I saw my cousins move from the Pennsylvania country side to Huntington Beach, California and get totally screwed up. My relatives in Montana tell me the communities--even the smallest, most remote ones there, have terrible problems with methamphetamine use and other IV drug abuse, although I'm glad none of my relatives have those issues there.

My wife still can't fathom how my son's working 20-30 hours a week, then honing his Xbox Live skills so when he start at college, he'll still be top dawg in that area, as well as musically, but then don't forget-- there's Netflix too! That's basically his life--no intention of pursuing music as a career, but he's got to be the best nonetheless. Oh--when I was his age---I didn't go to the gym--didn't need to--but teenagers today often do--he's in incredible shape--goes 3 or 4 times a week--almost zero body fat--toned but muscled up. Neither of them are really big about family--about helping out. Not terrible kids by any stretch--everyone who meets them are incredibly impressed. Told my older son: "You could Eskimos refrigerators" W/o blinking, he replied: "No Dad--"I could sell the devil fire."

Grind my teeth as I may and thank my wife for putting up with step kids born and raised 'USA style', they'll probably both eventually be big successes, but they're different than my generation and from any generation anywhere else. I guess they think :We brought them into the world, so we have to help them along--that they think WE'RE obligated.

It's not like that is third world countries, that's for sure.

And maybe we should wait as long as Elextpatriado to have kids! (or no sooner than 35 -40 y/o)

[fathertime]

To touch on this subject, I had two different women tell me that part of the reason that they were interested in me was because I didn't have kids and my ex wouldn't be in the picture. The funny thing is that one of them had a kid of her own. She admitted to being a hypocrite on the subject. Lol

Those same women would probably telling the next guy how they like him because he is such a good father.  The point being, I wouldn't believe much of what a woman says at the beginning.  She probably just liked your looks or how you projected yourself, and then confirmation bias took over.  Either way, it bodes well for you. 


Fathertime!   

[bcc_1_2]

Statistically marriages are more likely to fail. It is a risk. But I think if her parents are still married and she has the right values that you still should consider pulling the trigger. Other than that... make sure she's working and has a job. That's the best advice I've heard on limiting just how badly you can be taken. If a woman has skills that transfer to the USA and she works... then if it all goes to hell you aren't in as bad of a spot as you could be.

[mambocowboy]

Ja.ja..I am not the only One who "failed".. How many wives have Calipro had? MUDD.., RA,  how many guys on here havent been divorced?

Very few..anyway Really dont care what you think..
[/quo
Big difference between other divorced guys on PL and you is they talk about where they went wrong and in many cases are now more happily married the next tine. As for you, I am still waiting for your first informative post....

[Awesome]

Ja.ja..I am not the only One who "failed".. How many wives have Calipro had? MUDD.., RA,  how many guys on here havent been divorced?

Very few..anyway Really dont care what you think..
[/quo
Big difference between other divorced guys on PL and you is they talk about where they went wrong and in many cases are now more happily married the next tine. As for you, I am still waiting for your first informative post....

To be fair I consider Expat's posts to be informative...on what NOT to do jajaja!!!

[Awesome]

To be fair I consider Expat's posts to be informative...on what NOT to do jajaja!!!

Mambocowboy, and eventhough I give you a hard time some times I do consider you and your story to be a perfect blueprint for anyone looking to be successful at a foreign marriage.  I gotta give credit where credit is due.

[Elexpatriado]

It aint over til thevfat lady sings..who really cares one way or another how many years someone has been  married, how many times they have been married or divorced, how many kids they have.how many woman they lay..as long aa you treat people with respect and are healthy and happy, thats alll that counts..on these three points..treating people with respect and kindness, being happy and healthy, I can look in the mirror and be satisfied.
Applies to anyone on this site.doesnt matter what others say..its what you feel inside that counts.

Mambocowboy, and eventhough I give you a hard time some times I do consider you and your story to be a perfect blueprint for anyone looking to be successful at a foreign marriage.  I gotta give credit where credit is due.

[mudd]

Applies to anyone on this site.doesnt matter what others say..its what you feel inside that counts.

i know a highschool guy that i knew, has  4 kids by 4 different women, does not support any of them, unless its court ordered , he thinks he is the greatest thing in his own eyes, hes fine with his choices and feels good........... hummmm 

[robert angel]

It aint over til thevfat lady sings..who really cares one way or another how many years someone has been  married, how many times they have been married or divorced, how many kids they have.how many woman they lay..as long aa you treat people with respect and are healthy and happy, thats alll that counts..on these three points..treating people with respect and kindness, being happy and healthy, I can look in the mirror and be satisfied.
Applies to anyone on this site.doesnt matter what others say..its what you feel inside that counts.

Just curious--from the outside looking in---does that include Andy Lee and yourself? Have you ever had any face to face time with that fellow?

[mambocowboy]

i know a highschool guy that i knew, has  4 kids by 4 different women, does not support any of them, unless its court ordered , he thinks he is the greatest thing in his own eyes, hes fine with his choices and feels good........... hummmm 

Lmfao

[mambocowboy]

Just curious--from the outside looking in---does that include Andy Lee and yourself? Have you ever had any face to face time with that fellow?

Yea I wonder about that too...

[mambocowboy]

Mambocowboy, and eventhough I give you a hard time some times I do consider you and your story to be a perfect blueprint for anyone looking to be successful at a foreign marriage.  I gotta give credit where credit is due.

Thanks. There are others doing very well too. In no way do I hold anyone's "failures" against them if they bonce back. No matter what happens between me and my wife, marrying her and having 2 kids with her have been the best life choices I have made...

[Elexpatriado]

So..your the only guy on this site that knows me MUDD and your actually comparing me to this ScumBag??
Well..okay..it doesnt matter what others think if you are truly a reasonable decent person

i know a highschool guy that i knew, has  4 kids by 4 different women, does not support any of them, unless its court ordered , he thinks he is the greatest thing in his own eyes, hes fine with his choices and feels good........... hummmm 

[Elexpatriado]

never met him in my life. It was just a case of mistake identity on his part. I finally sent him.my Name and teléphone number and he figured it out I guess.Anyway, prefer not to get involved in that crap again.

Just curious--from the outside looking in---does that include Andy Lee and yourself? Have you ever had any face to face time with that fellow?

[V_Man]

Jeez you guys who meet some gal on Colombian Cupid and visit her 2 or 3 times , then drag her ass back to the US like you.are " requisitioning a little portable R&R " really make me shake my head in wonder..

Yeah, who would do such a crazy thing??.... oh wait!
Unless Australia is somehow completely and totally different to the USA in this regard, I guess you are shaking your head at me too.


Oh well, it worked for us and we are very happy. It certainly aint for everyone but it is a million times better than marrying a western woman IMHO. (Not that a man has to be married of course).


As for pre-nups, here in Australia they are literally not worth the paper they are written on. In fact many (most?) lawyers refuse to provide this service because too many lawyers got sued for drawing up agreements that are routinely set aside by judges. Even perfectly reasonable pre-nups are routinely set aside by judges. Family courts still have a 1970s feminazi mentality to 'protect the poor victim female'.


More likely:
"Oh! So you uprooted a poor victim 3rd world woman from her far off homeland away from her family to be your domestic servant because you wanted a submissive, naive wife and you tried to cheat her out of what is rightfully hers with a pre-nup agreement in a language that she doesn't speak. No I think we'll wipe our backsides with that agreement and flush it away. Let's see how we can punish you for being so mean and sneaky...."


The facts have nothing to do with decisions in the secret family courts here.


What I should have done is put my house into a trust even if I had to borrow money to arrange it. I considered it and discussed it with her before we got married. One reason I didn't is that I'm not sure there is a way to protect the family home. It may not be safe even in a trust.


I do have one way to deal with any divorce the moment it starts getting unreasonable. It is devastating but should be effective.
That is, I am prepared to dump absolutely everything so fast it would make her divorce lawyers head spin. Nothing makes divorce lawyers be reasonable so fast and so effectively as the realisation that they wont get paid for doing any more work.
Screw me and everyone ends up with nothing so fast they are left shocked.
I figure if I have to start over from scratch at my age, best I start right way everyone else can rue the day they failed to accept my initial offer.


The major risk in my eyes of a divorce is custody of any children. Unfortunately a pre-nup is completely worthless in this regard here. Currently we don't have kids so that's not an issue.


To be honest if this marriage breaks up, I don't think I'd get married again. I'd consider it with some other foreign woman, but more likely I'd be happier to stay single.


Fortunately my wife has a completely different view of marriage than western women do. She sees marriage as genuinely being until death do us part. Western women see it as a fashion accessory even though they claim otherwise.

[fathertime]

 .
 
 .
 

I do have one way to deal with any divorce the moment it starts getting unreasonable. It is devastating but should be effective.
That is, I am prepared to dump absolutely everything so fast it would make her divorce lawyers head spin. Nothing makes divorce lawyers be reasonable so fast and so effectively as the realisation that they wont get paid for doing any more work.
Screw me and everyone ends up with nothing so fast they are left shocked.
I figure if I have to start over from scratch at my age, best I start right way everyone else can rue the day they failed to accept my initial offer. 

Hey V-man! Interesting post, I didn't know Australia was so draconian in the divorce courts...California was no piece of pie either.


What do you mean by 'dump' everything...dump it in the trash? Sell it?  Lose it?


Fathertime!   

[buencamino]

Fortunately my wife has a completely different view of marriage than western women do.

If your wife is from Colombia then you do mean "other western women" don't you?

[robert angel]

If your wife is from Colombia then you do mean "other western women" don't you?

Semantics. I think most of us caught his drift. And tend to agree too.

[buencamino]

Good lets hope so, lets hope there's no confusion about Colombian women being western women unlike your wife who if she is filipina is not.

[V_Man]

"Dump" would mean sell super fast. Even below mortgaged value. E.g. hold an auction of the house within 2 days and accept any offer made. Perhaps my best mate might turn up for the action and magically win it. Who knows? Stuff like that happens.
Basically once you get it through the think heads of divorce lawyers that there is no money to fight over, they suddenly loose all interest in the case. Since I'd probably end up with nothing anyway, best to just leap there within days and leave them out in the cold. I don't need the trauma of a 3 year court battle. I'd give them one opportunity and a warning but I would not expect them to take me seriously. I'd just do that to ram home the point that unless they move super quick there will be nothing.


When I say western countries I am referring to western culture. South America is in the western hemisphere. In other words I am talking about all the rich developed countries of Europe and the Anglosphere. All these countries have more or less the same laws, norms, and culture. For example, I could go to France or Canada or Norway or the Netherlands or New Zealand and things are going to be more or less the same standards, similar values and same expectations, etc. The differences are minor.
Other rich countries like Qatar, Japan and South Korea do not have the same cultural values. 
This is an imperfect grouping. After all, one could argue Chile and Singapore are part of this group as well. Where does one draw the line? It's a very grey line, these days. However I don't know of a better more modern term to refer to this cultural group. Hence I refer to them as 'western' countries even though this term is out of date. 

[robert angel]

Hey guys! I hope everyone is doing well. My divorce was final in March. Life is better now. I just had a question...  Do I need to contact immigration and let them know that she and I are divorced? Or is it her responsibility to deal with her status change? She's living in California now. I wouldn't mind it if she got deported for not taking care of her paperwork. That would take me off the hook for the affidavit of support.

I'll post the story at some point. Things got kind of stupid on her part during the 2 months after I filed. I paid $25k to make her go away along with $7k to my lawyer. I know that some people have paid more, but it was a 14 month marriage. She brought nothing but 2 suitcases of clothes into the marriage. You would think that I would have held all of the cards in the divorce, right? Well, that's not the way that things usually play out. I would tell anyone thinking about going this route to not do it without a pre-nup. If she won't sign a pre-nup, you have your answer.

Anyway, if anyone has any info about my question, it's appreciated.

Jog your memory expat? He wrote a whole lot more on the subject substantiating what I said and it sure wasn't pretty----the house, about her, her family in the house he paid to have built and more. She was a hottie from Peru. Some of it was possibly under a different member name--he left and came back to PL if I recall correctly. I'm not going to waste a lot of time digging in the archives to further defend my credibility, especially considering the source questioning it.

But I'm rather sure other long term members here, unlike you, can substantiate mine, as well as your track record regarding the 'truth'---be it past member's posts, if they,  pictures they posted and more were real, hyperbole (look it up), lies or otherwise.

I dare say your credibility has been questioned a lot more here than mine has.

[Neoblk40]

Boy oh boy!!! The posts in this room are very informational, but i have to say...... now that i understand much of the risks, it's beginning to sound like I might be better off meeting someone in the US, even with its 50% - 75% divorce rate. Better to live in her country if i can.  I understand that this is my best option, but I've had my heart set of visiting Barranquilla for so long, I figure you only live once so i'll just go take step 1 and visit anyways, but now i have a MUCH better idea of what i'm getting into based on what i've read there.  I really appreciate the comments in this group. It will reduce the amount of mistakes i can make.