HOW DID I ENDURE 9 YEARS OF SEARCH, AND SPENDING A SMALL FORTUNE

[Aaron]

I tell you no lie. My search ended after nine years, when I married my wife last year.

In this process, over the years, I've probably spent 35K to 40K, which also includes marriage and honeymoon.

My wife and I dated only for about 8 months before we tied the knot. We had two weddings: last year a civil ceremony to start the visa process, then this year a Catholic ceremony out of respect for the Catholic church, her, and her family. I'm Protestant. Many Colombians are becoming Protestant.

Although some might think the amount of time it took me was way too long, and the amount of money I spent as being way too much, I don't think so.

I started the process during my early 20s, and in the beginning I couldn't speak any Spanish. However, once I learned Spanish and made frequent trips, things started to kick-in full gear.

My search was extremely fun, and I would do it again. However, there are some things I would do differently if I had to do it again (like move abroad for a short time to live before getting serious about anyone).

I was able to learn another culture, visit many areas of Colombia that even most Colombians do not know, and meet a large cross-section of "potential candidates."

So, how did I last the duration, without giving up?

Here's how it worked for me:

1.) I look at this experience not just as finding a wife, but as learning about another culture; making an emotional, physical, and even material investment; and broading my horizons. Finding a wife was the initial motivational factor that got it all started. So, the entire experience (even without being committed to any one person for the majority of time) has been rewarding.

2.) I enjoyed the time I could spend with the people I met along the way.

3.) I was very selective about "potential candidates," and I was never too eager to marry right away.

4.) I accepted an age range of no more than 6 years younger to no more than 5 years older. There are allot of Colombian women, especially in Cali, that would be willing to date a younger man that has means.

5.) I was totally unassuming about the intentions of the Colombian people I met. Obviously, when something didn't seem right, or when someone rubbed me the wrong way, I had to back away from the situation. However, I never adopted the attitude of automatically looking for flaws in people or not trusting people. I was very carefree, but cautious. 

Ultimately, what worked for me may not work for others. Others may prefer to do things differently.

But, looking over the years, I'm happy with how it all turned out.

Aaron

 

[Bear]

Looking for 9 years is nothing to having to endure 25 years of the wrong choice like I did.  Glad it work out for you.

The Bear Family

[blockbuster]

 aaron,

 you're very smart in your search. I agree with bear 9 years is not long. You were looking to learn another culture and have fun in the process. No desperation at all. Too many guys marry the hottest latina they could find in order to impress others and build up their egos. They are the ones on the path you many marriages. I'm taking my time and having fun. If I find a wonderful woman who fulfills my "wants and needs" list I will get married. But not before.

   As for your age range smart too. You left the very young girls 18+ out of it as you realize many young latinas may seem mature. But not really marriage material. The 18 year olds are fun to hang with though. I wonder how many guys here who married latinas(Filipinas not included) 18-22 are still married 5 years later? Success rate is low in my opinion. Congrats.!!!

[Aaron]

Thanks.

I think when guys make decisions about age ranges, one thing to realize is that there is a difference between A.) having good values, which many younger latinas do have, versus B.) being mature.

For example, my wife is 6 years younger than me, and I do notice some difference in maturity levels between us (I'm in my mid 30s), but it's nothing major that I can't tolorate and work with.

My wife has always been very dependent on her family, and so she doesn't have as much experience as I do.

But, in terms of values. I believe I have good values, but her values are even stronger than mine. We are both compatible in terms of values. 

Aaron

[Researcher]

In this process, over the years, I've probably spent 35K to 40K, which also includes marriage and honeymoon.
 

       
             Aaron,
                 How did you get out that cheap? I spent about that same amount of time looking and over the years I spent more. I'm glad I had the time and resources to do so, and it paid off.

                Alot of guys talk about looks or going to the "right" country to find a woman but for me it was more about finding a woman that I was compatable with. I've dated models and I've dated career women. I've dated women from many different cultures and I have to say that none of those things really matter that much(in the long run). I've had many relationships and when I think back to when I was the happiest, it had to be when I was with a woman that I could connect with. A woman that had the same values and interests as myself. As well as, a woman that wanted the same things out of life that I did.I found that with my wife and the chemistry between us is unbelievable. So, was the time I spent looking too long? I don't think so.

[jonno]

The problem here might be is that 9 years is a long time to wait to get married to someone you've only known for 8 months. You were young. You took your sweet time. You learned the culture; you learned the language. Fantastico! Just another year or two (with this woman) and you would have been our poster boy.

[Jeff S]

I spent 10 years traveling to the country of my choice and three years dating and visiting my to-be wife. She came to the US three times for a total of 12 weeks and I went there three times to visit her for a total of 8 weeks, so we spent 20 weeks together. It was my 1st and her second marriage, and we were both in out mid 30s when we wed.

[utopiacowboy]

Why should he wait another year or two if he was sure after 8 months? I married my wife after knowing her a few months and I was never more sure of anything in my life. Five years later I'm still absolutely sure.

[Bear]

I just asked God.  I remember saying to God, "I'll marry the next girl who sings me a song (that had never happened before) and I was thinking maybe I'd use it as an excuse when some girl who sang Happy Birthday to me in a year or so.  15 Minutes later Honey was singing to me.  Every hair on my body was standing on end (must have looked like a porcupine).  It was definitely an answer you couldn't ignore.

Honey had just asked God too.  She said that If I was the right one she would like to see a rose (rare in the Philippines) The next Girl who got on her Jeepney was carrying 2 dozen and gave here one.  When she got home she ask God for me to call her and she knew it was a time I'm normally in Church.  But my roommate was sick and I stayed home to make sure he was OK.  When I as sure he was OK I called her to see if she was awake and she was so happy that's when she offered to sing me a song.

When ever we start having problems I just remember that.  God must wants us together cause he sure worked a lot of miracles in a few minutes.

A few months later when my bishop was trying to pressure me into reconciling with the "ex" I told him of my fast and our answers.  All he could say was "OH!"  Never tried to pressure me again and later was quite happy with Honey.  Another church leader when he met Honey leaned over to me and said, "We were all surprised you could stay with her (the "ex") that long (a few weeks short of 25 years)! Honey was my reward for staying with the "ex" so our children could have their father at home.   Hmmmm?  Is that called a "throphy wife"?

The Bear Family

[Researcher]

Why should he wait another year or two if he was sure after 8 months? I married my wife after knowing her a few months and I was never more sure of anything in my life. Five years later I'm still absolutely sure.

             I agree UC, I think back and now I believe that the time I spent looking was just as much about finding out about myself(and what I really wanted in a woman) as it was finding the right woman. For a while I thought I was just wasting my time, having fun, but just wasting time,that is, until I met my wife. She just stood out among the rest and was everything that I wanted in a woman.

             Hey Bear, great post by the way.

[lswote]

Aaron, are you the Aaron I tangled with so many times years ago (5+)?  Glad to see you finally found someone.

The time it takes to find someone varies for everybody.  I met my wife on my first trip and we got engaged 3 months later and married six months later.  I was 48 when I made my first trip.  We have been married over 5 years and have a 4 year old son.

But even having met my wife on my first trip I still spent 20 grand including wedding, which like yours was civil ceremony one day and Catholic wedding next day.   Actually the Catholic wedding wasn't really a wedding since we were already married.  I only mention this obvious fact because to get married by the Catholic church when you are not Catholic (I am an atheist) requires weeks or months of classes by the church.  But if you get married by the civil authority, the Catholic church is more than happy to "reaffirm" your marriage by a Catholic priest without the requirement of the classes.

I made trips to Colombia every other weekend for 7 months from my first visit until my wife came to live with me in the US after she got a spousal visa (back in 2003 when I got married you could apply for a spousal visa and it was issued in 4 to 6 weeks) so that is a where most of my 20 grand got racked up.  The wedding was only about 2 grand (In Bogotâ) and about a grand for the honeymood to San Andrés.

So I agree with the others that 40 grand for 9 years is a very reasonable amount of money to spend.  I wouldn't have taken 9 years myself, or at least not at my age.  I might have if I was your age when I went, though when I was your age I was as poor as a churchmouse and I didn't have two nickles to rub together, much less 40 grand.

[Aaron]

Hi Iswote,

Nice to meet you. I don't know of the "Aaron" you are refering to. Can you explain? What happened?

I hope others realize that my message is to suggest that there are different ways to go through the process, some cheaper others more expensive. My post wasn't solely about the money I spent.

I mentioned the cost aspect in response to a poster that complained about making a single trip, but not meeting "the one" after spending money (I imagine a few thousand dollars) to travel on the first trip.

That's all. Things cost.

I never intended to imply that what it cost me, or I spent, or I can spend so much more than others in this endeavor. That wasn't the point of my post. I never compared myself to anyone else. I never suggested that I was like "Mr. Rockerfeller."

However, for my situation, and for my goals, and given my age, I do believe that 35K to 40K over 9 years is significant money for this process.

Particularly, when:

1.) Most men in this endeavor that marry are between early 40s to late 50s. I'm in my mid 30s. A 9 year seach, spending 35K to 40K, comes to 4K to 5K more or less on average per year.

I could have easily continued to search for another 5 or 10 years spending the same amount on average per year. That would have put me at 56K to 70K more or less for a 14 year search, or 76K to 95K more or less for a 19 year search. The projected costs could even be more, especially with the weaker dollar over the course of the last couple of years, and no sign in sight that it will rebound quickly.

In 10 more years, I'll be in my mid 40s. Which is still relatively young compared to other men that get involved in this kind of thing.

So, when you compare my costs (which is on par with other "older" men), and take into consideration the typical ages of men that marry, I spent allot and if I would continue searching, it would be significantly more than others.

OR, we can look at it another way. Which is they way you and others see it I guess, that I spent the same amount of money (or even slightly less as mentioned by others) as most men in this process, BUT it was over a 9 year period of meeting many people, 27 trips, visiting many different regions of the country, and learning the language.

I still say that 35K to 40K is expensive for this kind of cross cultural experience, but I was able to maximize my time and money spent from your's and other's viewpoint. 

HOWEVER, THE FULL STORY IS...now that we are married, and have plans to build a future together by buying homes in Colombia and the US, and maintaining relationships with family in both countries, and later have children, our expenses will increase.

I think the guys that complain when they haven't "met the one" on the first trip, and then decide to quit, either:

1.) bought into the oversold agency hype, and end up being severly disappointed;
2.) look at the wrong type of women, or are men that can't be satisfied;
3.) just don't know what they want, or really aren't serious about meeting people   
     this way or in the countries they traveled to. 

Bye,

Aaron