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Author Topic: Be Careful What You Wish For - Roll the Dice Despite a 20+ Yr Age Gap?  (Read 40585 times)

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Offline benjio

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Re: Be Careful What You Wish For - Roll the Dice Despite a 20+ Yr Age Gap?
« Reply #125 on: October 24, 2020, 03:26:20 PM »

Seems like longer than 8 months since drama like the above was around here. Not that a pandemic lends itself to setting up such scenarios these days....


I rolled the dice on 'the 20+ yr age gap' and feel very fortunate to still be glad I did.

Funny thing about these lockdowns worldwide is the number of pregnancies I’m seeing. There are 3 women (more or less) I’ve dated at some level in Latin America that keep tabs on me in one way or another. When we speak, I always ask are they single and the answer has always been, “Yes!” Surprise, surprise....one has a newborn, another is in her second trimester, and the third lost hers in August. What a coincidence...three women I’ve dated getting pregnant while single. There’s always another guy if you aren’t there with them. ALWAYS!!! Either accept it and treat your long distance relationship accordingly, or delude yourself into thinking, “My situation is different!”
« Last Edit: October 24, 2020, 03:28:38 PM by benjio »

Offline robert angel

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Re: Be Careful What You Wish For - Roll the Dice Despite a 20+ Yr Age Gap?
« Reply #126 on: October 24, 2020, 04:14:14 PM »
Funny thing about these lockdowns worldwide is the number of pregnancies I’m seeing. There are 3 women (more or less) I’ve dated at some level in Latin America that keep tabs on me in one way or another. When we speak, I always ask are they single and the answer has always been, “Yes!” Surprise, surprise....one has a newborn, another is in her second trimester, and the third lost hers in August. What a coincidence...three women I’ve dated getting pregnant while single. There’s always another guy if you aren’t there with them. ALWAYS!!! Either accept it and treat your long distance relationship accordingly, or delude yourself into thinking, “My situation is different!”


Fine women need maintenance and servicing at regular intervals. Physically and mentally. Whether you're there or not, it's going to happen one way or another . Their needs WILL be met.


More often than not, the old worn out phrase: "absence makes the heart grow fonder"--well boys---change the last two words to "go wander"--there's a thin line between being a sucker VS 'sentimental' and trusting.


If a guy didn't know the woman before she had the child and she never told him she'd become a mother--if she kept the child's existence as a secret, well--does it also happen there and do some women will marry a guy and never tell him about her 'love child'?


I know it sounds near impossible (mother/child bond) to pull it off long term, but in my wife's country it's sadly more common than you might otherwise expect. And within domestic and mixed nationality couples as well.


While few guys expect the woman to be a virgin anymore, some women--not most, but some--can have a baby and still rock a fresh looking body that's tighter than the coin slot on a soda pop machine.


Add in covid-19 forcing long term intercontinental separations and people being basically cooped up together with others elsewhere and this dynamic is probably going on as much as ever.

Wait and see the birth spike figures after 2020 concludes. The rabbit cage has been busy.


More than ever, I imagine a lot of babies are gonna look more like the guy who delivers the packages to the 'woman left alone' than they do the guy who actually signs the birth certificate.
« Last Edit: October 24, 2020, 08:21:44 PM by robert angel »
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Offline mambocowboy

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Re: Be Careful What You Wish For - Roll the Dice Despite a 20+ Yr Age Gap?
« Reply #127 on: October 25, 2020, 06:43:04 PM »
Funny thing about these lockdowns worldwide is the number of pregnancies I’m seeing. There are 3 women (more or less) I’ve dated at some level in Latin America that keep tabs on me in one way or another. When we speak, I always ask are they single and the answer has always been, “Yes!” Surprise, surprise....one has a newborn, another is in her second trimester, and the third lost hers in August. What a coincidence...three women I’ve dated getting pregnant while single. There’s always another guy if you aren’t there with them. ALWAYS!!! Either accept it and treat your long distance relationship accordingly, or delude yourself into thinking, “My situation is different!”
So true. It's also delusional to think the main reason a woman would leave her country is for anything other than economic betterment...

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Re: Be Careful What You Wish For - Roll the Dice Despite a 20+ Yr Age Gap?
« Reply #127 on: October 25, 2020, 06:43:04 PM »

Offline robert angel

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Re: Be Careful What You Wish For - Roll the Dice Despite a 20+ Yr Age Gap?
« Reply #128 on: October 25, 2020, 09:13:53 PM »
So true. It's also delusional to think the main reason a woman would leave her country is for anything other than economic betterment...


Delusional to think both sides/sexes don't want it better--that it's all for 'love and romance.' Sure--'for better or worse' is said before the ink dries on the legally binding marriage license, but we're ALL looking for more 'better' and rarely do we focus on what the 'worse' could be.


But unless you're a sadist or that and a fool, you marry to better your overall situation.


Different 'betters' are variables and according to the gender,  they might be a spouse who's got a great personality, is better looking, younger, offers better sex, more money, nicer housing, someone to allow us to help our family back home more--a lot of things.


My wife wanted to help her family and the USA, with her hard work here allowed her to do that, via marrying me. As the eldest of 7 siblings, she delivered. Now that they're all adults and doing OK back home, and with no biological kids of her own, I'm lucky she's still here, as she's still ALL about family.


My wife has told me that after I die, she's moving back home. I don't think my funeral will be over before she lists the house and is checking airfares. Maybe even before I die, if I'm not lucky! After all, she 'came, saw and conquered' and with 'mission accomplished' and our wide age gap ever more apparent, a lot of people wouldn't blame her.


Never in the close to 20 years I've known her have I felt she was a gold digger. But I always knew she wanted to move to a new country that offered greater opportunities to help her family back home and buy us a home over there. She helped my finances too--materialistically we have a nicer home and lifestyle than I would as a solo guy, or if she was a 'stay at home wife.'


She was and is, a hard and honest worker. But beyond money and opportunity, we've been pretty damn happy together, despite being about as different as two people can be--and that's priceless. Besides, she'd do more volunteer work if her '9 to 5' job went away. No money can buy 'real' happiness. It might provide creature comforts, but more often than not, big money brings bigger problems and complications.
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Offline Elexpatriado

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Re: Be Careful What You Wish For - Roll the Dice Despite a 20+ Yr Age Gap?
« Reply #129 on: October 26, 2020, 02:23:33 PM »
Funny thing about these lockdowns worldwide is the number of pregnancies I’m seeing. There are 3 women (more or less) I’ve dated at some level in Latin America that keep tabs on me in one way or another. When we speak, I always ask are they single and the answer has always been, “Yes!” Surprise, surprise....one has a newborn, another is in her second trimester, and the third lost hers in August. What a coincidence...three women I’ve dated getting pregnant while single. There’s always another guy if you aren’t there with them. ALWAYS!!! Either accept it and treat your long distance relationship accordingly, or delude yourself into thinking, “My situation is different!”


Benji

I always thought you had more discret in with the type of women you date.


This also begs the question as to why anyone would want to bring a new child into the world in the very unstable and scary economic situation weare facing.


They are talking about another total lockdown in Europe with this second wave and there was a big drop in the Stock Market today.

Offline benjio

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Re: Be Careful What You Wish For - Roll the Dice Despite a 20+ Yr Age Gap?
« Reply #130 on: October 26, 2020, 11:47:05 PM »

Benji

I always thought you had more discret in with the type of women you date.


This also begs the question as to why anyone would want to bring a new child into the world in the very unstable and scary economic situation weare facing.


They are talking about another total lockdown in Europe with this second wave and there was a big drop in the Stock Market today.

The women I’ve had the honor of dating in Latin America have been all over the spectrum. From 10’s to not so much. From wealthy backgrounds to DIRT POOR!! Any man that’s dated really good looking women usually realizes they aren’t worth their weight in aggravation and just because a woman didn’t grow up rich doesn’t mean she is uneducated or less virtuous (even though the classist culture SOTB very often assumes that’s the case). What’s always mattered to me is true chemistry and friendship, because in the end that’s really all there’s left that truly matters.

My son was “an accident” if there is such a thing and it breaks my heart that he’s not growing up with me around and his mother is now very seriously involved with another man....although these things happen. The realistic approach, although very often a pessimistic one, is usually the safest. There’s always the exception, and no matter where in the world you’re looking I think that’s what every man and woman is searching for...their own personal exceptions.
« Last Edit: October 26, 2020, 11:49:46 PM by benjio »

Offline Elexpatriado

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Re: Be Careful What You Wish For - Roll the Dice Despite a 20+ Yr Age Gap?
« Reply #131 on: October 27, 2020, 07:59:54 AM »
The women I’ve had the honor of dating in Latin America have been all over the spectrum. From 10’s to not so much. From wealthy backgrounds to DIRT POOR!! Any man that’s dated really good looking women usually realizes they aren’t worth their weight in aggravation and just because a woman didn’t grow up rich doesn’t mean she is uneducated or less virtuous (even though the classist culture SOTB very often assumes that’s the case). What’s always mattered to me is true chemistry and friendship, because in the end that’s really all there’s left that truly matters.

My son was “an accident” if there is such a thing and it breaks my heart that he’s not growing up with me around and his mother is now very seriously involved with another man....although these things happen. The realistic approach, although very often a pessimistic one, is usually the safest. There’s always the exception, and no matter where in the world you’re looking I think that’s what every man and woman is searching for...their own personal exceptions.


I found a real good one now, finaly, but I am not sure if I deserve her.


As far as having kids, for me, that train has come and gone.


Too many people on this earth anyway..

Offline robert angel

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Re: Be Careful What You Wish For - Roll the Dice Despite a 20+ Yr Age Gap?
« Reply #132 on: October 27, 2020, 09:56:20 AM »

Benji

I always thought you had more discret in with the type of women you date.


This also begs the question as to why anyone would want to bring a new child into the world in the very unstable and scary economic situation weare facing.


They are talking about another total lockdown in Europe with this second wave and there was a big drop in the Stock Market today.


I don't think the 'the very unstable and scary economic situation' factors much into it---I don't think that even in the best of times that family planning factors into sex as much as it should. It's not like they typically plan, that they 'want to bring a new child into the world'--but they DO want to f*ck.  I think that passion often clouds logic and it's more akin to 'spontaneous combustion.'


When you have people basically bored and quarantined in tight quarters together, add in alcohol and drugs in some cases, and you're gonna see a lot more pregnancies.


I don't think people are as intelligent as you seem to give them credit for.


As to 'I found a real good one now'--'I am not sure I deserve her'--that's what I said when I first met my wife and I STILL say that many years later and we're still rocking. In the past few years, I think I've matured a bit, but damn--that took forever and while I'm still a bit of a salty, self centered prick sometimes, my rough edges have smoothed some.


But I didn't deserve her then and still don't, all these years later. One's like her are as rare as a meteor from space hitting me on the head. Crazy fate. And as I get older, it pains me knowing that our huge age difference, my advancing age and infirmities, will only become increasingly apparent. The raisin and the peach...


Sometimes our situation--our different nationalities and wanting to be able to travel, forces us into legal marriage. But I think that unless it's a necessity, that marriage makes less and less sense, as time goes by.


But for us to be together, legal marriage and working with immigration, was a necessity and I'm glad I took the opportunity.


All that said, I wish the two of you all the best. Love and life is a dish best shared.
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Offline mambocowboy

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Re: Be Careful What You Wish For - Roll the Dice Despite a 20+ Yr Age Gap?
« Reply #133 on: October 27, 2020, 10:31:27 AM »
The women I’ve had the honor of dating in Latin America have been all over the spectrum. From 10’s to not so much. From wealthy backgrounds to DIRT POOR!! Any man that’s dated really good looking women usually realizes they aren’t worth their weight in aggravation and just because a woman didn’t grow up rich doesn’t mean she is uneducated or less virtuous (even though the classist culture SOTB very often assumes that’s the case). What’s always mattered to me is true chemistry and friendship, because in the end that’s really all there’s left that truly matters.

My son was “an accident” if there is such a thing and it breaks my heart that he’s not growing up with me around and his mother is now very seriously involved with another man....although these things happen. The realistic approach, although very often a pessimistic one, is usually the safest. There’s always the exception, and no matter where in the world you’re looking I think that’s what every man and woman is searching for...their own personal exceptions.
I remember your posts from about 2011 when I joined here and you were very deliberate about finding the right woman. I thought for sure you would but it goes to show what a crapshoot finding a partner is. At any rate, sounds like you're making the best of the separation from your son. I can imagine that's really tough. Being separated from my kids and the prospect of another man raising them would be a tough thing for me to deal with.

Offline robert angel

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Re: Be Careful What You Wish For - Roll the Dice Despite a 20+ Yr Age Gap?
« Reply #134 on: October 27, 2020, 12:27:56 PM »
I remember your posts from about 2011 when I joined here and you were very deliberate about finding the right woman. I thought for sure you would but it goes to show what a crapshoot finding a partner is. At any rate, sounds like you're making the best of the separation from your son. I can imagine that's really tough. Being separated from my kids and the prospect of another man raising them would be a tough thing for me to deal with.

My parents divorced when I was very young. My Mom took my 2 sisters and I from NYC, to St. Thomas, USVI. She was a bold, strong and beautiful woman, supporting us on a secretary's salary. That was a lotta distance then,  so I didn't see my Dad. We ate a lot of fish, LOL. A couple years later she remarried, to the greatest guy in the world, so I got two dads.

But when my 1st marriage--with two sons--one a toddler, one starting Kindergarten, collapsed like a spent funeral pyre, it put me into a clinical depression as real as effing rain.

I felt that like a Greek tragedy, I had repeated the same awful scenario of my own parent's and somehow wrought it upon my own sons.

That I had destroyed the perfect world that they and everyone else assumed we had. And the kids pretty much DID have that.

But yes, love is a 'crap shoot' for sure. My Mom married a 2nd time (my 1st Dad remarried several times) but she won the lottery with my second Dad, who actually raised me.

Maybe it was fate that we both rose from the ashes, and that with kids in tow, we both found 'the one.' That two generations found it great the 2nd time. Second act charm.

For the depression (good way to lose 60 pounds you don't really need to lose) I eventually took a couple weeks off of work and my sister came in to help. 

I regrouped, got on the relationship horse again and when the time came where I had to decide and roll the dice, I thank my lucky stars that it's been sevens thus far.

But just like for my sisters and I, the divorce and separation forever changed my kid's lives. Some of it bad and lingers still, even as they're grown ups today. But overall my kids are very OK.

After all, you have to roll with whatever life gives you.
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Offline benjio

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Re: Be Careful What You Wish For - Roll the Dice Despite a 20+ Yr Age Gap?
« Reply #135 on: October 29, 2020, 06:24:34 PM »
I remember your posts from about 2011 when I joined here and you were very deliberate about finding the right woman. I thought for sure you would but it goes to show what a crapshoot finding a partner is. At any rate, sounds like you're making the best of the separation from your son. I can imagine that's really tough. Being separated from my kids and the prospect of another man raising them would be a tough thing for me to deal with.

MC,

It’s incredible how life experience changes our perspectives and priorities. I don’t regret a single moment of my adventures in Latin America even though my original goal hasn’t been fulfilled quite yet. Just think....at 28 years old I decided to go to Jamie’s because I knew I wanted to marry a beautiful Latina and it resulted in me traveling the world. Went in 2008, set myself to learn Spanish because I wanted to communicate with my girlfriend. Learned it fluently and that led to a job that took me to Brazil for 3 years....not to mention everywhere else in between. My advice to any newbie is find the woman of your dreams or not, hop on a plane and experience life from every angle. No matter what happens it’s a learning experience you won’t regret.

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Re: Be Careful What You Wish For - Roll the Dice Despite a 20+ Yr Age Gap?
« Reply #136 on: October 30, 2020, 11:15:56 AM »
MC,

It’s incredible how life experience changes our perspectives and priorities. I don’t regret a single moment of my adventures in Latin America even though my original goal hasn’t been fulfilled quite yet. Just think....at 28 years old I decided to go to Jamie’s because I knew I wanted to marry a beautiful Latina and it resulted in me traveling the world. Went in 2008, set myself to learn Spanish because I wanted to communicate with my girlfriend. Learned it fluently and that led to a job that took me to Brazil for 3 years....not to mention everywhere else in between. My advice to any newbie is find the woman of your dreams or not, hop on a plane and experience life from every angle. No matter what happens it’s a learning experience you won’t regret.
Sounds like a wild ride. I give you alot of credit. Unlike alot of other gringos who settle for women they're not attracted to because they're afraid of being criticized for looking overseas...

Offline robert angel

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Re: Be Careful What You Wish For - Roll the Dice Despite a 20+ Yr Age Gap?
« Reply #137 on: October 30, 2020, 10:36:46 PM »

I found a real good one now, finaly, but I am not sure if I deserve her.


As far as having kids, for me, that train has come and gone.


Too many people on this earth anyway..


Grab her. I also kept telling myself "I'm not sure I deserve her"---I did that for close to 4 years--don't. Not fair for either of you. I'm not saying be hasty, but don't deny yourselves. I held back those 4 years, largely courting her from half a planet away. No woman today who's a real catch is going to wait that long.  Besides, the clock's running on you and I.....


Things would've been sooo much better with her right by my side, the sooner the better.  At least you don't have a big distance barrier as an excuse.


Life began an entirely new phase for me after age 40, like a  new beginning. I stone cold gave up alcohol one day after 25 years of hard drinking. And 20 years later from there, now the kids are gone--another new phase. For a couple years since I retired, she was gone M-F from 8 to 5 off at work, with me alone at home--that was a new phase. I'd just gotten used to that when the pandemic hit.


With the pandemic, it's now been 8 months with just her and I 'stuck' at home together 24X7--that's been new and interesting. Another test. Now it's increasingly looking like she'll be working from home for good, that the 'being with me 24X7' will be permanent, so yet another new beginning.


New life beginnings, 'phases' can start and end anytime and are as much a state of mind as they are physical entities. They're a combination of luck, fate and the decisions we make.


Now we're looking to move to where our new home--- where her home office (and my recreation room, our master bedroom) will have water/golf course/nature biking and hiking trail views, all on a secluded 5 by 2 mile island that's a securely gated oasis. More than ever before, we'll be removed from the 'real world'--just her and I. We'll be polite to the other 'islanders' but really it's the birds, the deer, the natural beauty of 'the salt life'--that's what we really want to be around.


Hell, I'm going to spend the kid's inheritance--they're gonna be just fine.


Weird how after all these years, after considering moving to Atlanta, to places in Florida, Denver, Austin, to places overseas, etc--we're moving all of 15 miles and a bridge away from where we've had the same home for 15 years.


Just again tonight for the umpteenth time, she said: "Here in America, it really IS just you and me." We just don't care much for 'social circles'--for their dramas and such. They can have 'all that' noise.


But if I hadn't felt so bad during my first marriage and consequent divorce, I never could imagine, never mind realize, just how great life can be with the right woman.


Take chances.
« Last Edit: October 30, 2020, 10:46:27 PM by robert angel »
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Re: Be Careful What You Wish For - Roll the Dice Despite a 20+ Yr Age Gap?
« Reply #137 on: October 30, 2020, 10:36:46 PM »

Offline benjio

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Re: Be Careful What You Wish For - Roll the Dice Despite a 20+ Yr Age Gap?
« Reply #138 on: October 31, 2020, 06:31:16 PM »

Grab her. I also kept telling myself "I'm not sure I deserve her"---I did that for close to 4 years--don't. Not fair for either of you. I'm not saying be hasty, but don't deny yourselves. I held back those 4 years, largely courting her from half a planet away. No woman today who's a real catch is going to wait that long.  Besides, the clock's running on you and I.....


Things would've been sooo much better with her right by my side, the sooner the better.  At least you don't have a big distance barrier as an excuse.


Life began an entirely new phase for me after age 40, like a  new beginning. I stone cold gave up alcohol one day after 25 years of hard drinking. And 20 years later from there, now the kids are gone--another new phase. For a couple years since I retired, she was gone M-F from 8 to 5 off at work, with me alone at home--that was a new phase. I'd just gotten used to that when the pandemic hit.


With the pandemic, it's now been 8 months with just her and I 'stuck' at home together 24X7--that's been new and interesting. Another test. Now it's increasingly looking like she'll be working from home for good, that the 'being with me 24X7' will be permanent, so yet another new beginning.


New life beginnings, 'phases' can start and end anytime and are as much a state of mind as they are physical entities. They're a combination of luck, fate and the decisions we make.


Now we're looking to move to where our new home--- where her home office (and my recreation room, our master bedroom) will have water/golf course/nature biking and hiking trail views, all on a secluded 5 by 2 mile island that's a securely gated oasis. More than ever before, we'll be removed from the 'real world'--just her and I. We'll be polite to the other 'islanders' but really it's the birds, the deer, the natural beauty of 'the salt life'--that's what we really want to be around.


Hell, I'm going to spend the kid's inheritance--they're gonna be just fine.


Weird how after all these years, after considering moving to Atlanta, to places in Florida, Denver, Austin, to places overseas, etc--we're moving all of 15 miles and a bridge away from where we've had the same home for 15 years.


Just again tonight for the umpteenth time, she said: "Here in America, it really IS just you and me." We just don't care much for 'social circles'--for their dramas and such. They can have 'all that' noise.


But if I hadn't felt so bad during my first marriage and consequent divorce, I never could imagine, never mind realize, just how great life can be with the right woman.


Take chances.

Robert,

Not gonna lie....never met a woman I could spend that much time alone with. Nor a man for that matter. I’m social and as fun as they come but I’m also a thinker and I need a significant amount of time for my brain to feed on itself. A lot of that is job related. I used to code/develop, but now I’m an analyst....a virtual problem solver if you will. And at times I’ll spend hours thinking about some computer related way to save money where my company is unnecessarily hemorrhaging funds. So either that’s a personality type or I’ve never been in love at that level. I admire you and your relationship but that sounds like slow torture!!!  ;D ;D ;D

Offline mambocowboy

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Re: Be Careful What You Wish For - Roll the Dice Despite a 20+ Yr Age Gap?
« Reply #139 on: October 31, 2020, 08:56:10 PM »

Grab her. I also kept telling myself "I'm not sure I deserve her"---I did that for close to 4 years--don't. Not fair for either of you. I'm not saying be hasty, but don't deny yourselves. I held back those 4 years, largely courting her from half a planet away. No woman today who's a real catch is going to wait that long.  Besides, the clock's running on you and I.....


Things would've been sooo much better with her right by my side, the sooner the better.  At least you don't have a big distance barrier as an excuse.


Life began an entirely new phase for me after age 40, like a  new beginning. I stone cold gave up alcohol one day after 25 years of hard drinking. And 20 years later from there, now the kids are gone--another new phase. For a couple years since I retired, she was gone M-F from 8 to 5 off at work, with me alone at home--that was a new phase. I'd just gotten used to that when the pandemic hit.


With the pandemic, it's now been 8 months with just her and I 'stuck' at home together 24X7--that's been new and interesting. Another test. Now it's increasingly looking like she'll be working from home for good, that the 'being with me 24X7' will be permanent, so yet another new beginning.


New life beginnings, 'phases' can start and end anytime and are as much a state of mind as they are physical entities. They're a combination of luck, fate and the decisions we make.


Now we're looking to move to where our new home--- where her home office (and my recreation room, our master bedroom) will have water/golf course/nature biking and hiking trail views, all on a secluded 5 by 2 mile island that's a securely gated oasis. More than ever before, we'll be removed from the 'real world'--just her and I. We'll be polite to the other 'islanders' but really it's the birds, the deer, the natural beauty of 'the salt life'--that's what we really want to be around.


Hell, I'm going to spend the kid's inheritance--they're gonna be just fine.


Weird how after all these years, after considering moving to Atlanta, to places in Florida, Denver, Austin, to places overseas, etc--we're moving all of 15 miles and a bridge away from where we've had the same home for 15 years.


Just again tonight for the umpteenth time, she said: "Here in America, it really IS just you and me." We just don't care much for 'social circles'--for their dramas and such. They can have 'all that' noise.


But if I hadn't felt so bad during my first marriage and consequent divorce, I never could imagine, never mind realize, just how great life can be with the right woman.


Take chances.
Sounds like a great relationship. But again it was likely the disappointment of the first marriage that helped you find her. Most people are the opposite . Unfortunately keep repeating the same choices with bad outcomes....

Offline robert angel

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Re: Be Careful What You Wish For - Roll the Dice Despite a 20+ Yr Age Gap?
« Reply #140 on: October 31, 2020, 11:14:17 PM »
Robert,

Not gonna lie....never met a woman I could spend that much time alone with. Nor a man for that matter. I’m social and as fun as they come but I’m also a thinker and I need a significant amount of time for my brain to feed on itself. A lot of that is job related. I used to code/develop, but now I’m an analyst....a virtual problem solver if you will. And at times I’ll spend hours thinking about some computer related way to save money where my company is unnecessarily hemorrhaging funds. So either that’s a personality type or I’ve never been in love at that level. I admire you and your relationship but that sounds like slow torture!!!  ;D ;D ;D


It could conceivably get old, this being 'joined at the hip', 24X7, as has increasingly been the case since the pandemic, with her working at home. Before we married, I made it 100% clear that every Saturday was mine and mine alone, and that that was non negotiable. So for about 14 years, that was my routine. Usually to the flea market, or maybe me occasionally going off off to scout for artifacts, fish or some such thing, without her. Understood, with minimal griping. But I'd be home for dinner 99.9% of the time--maybe Saturday night we'd step out together, but Friday nights and Sundays were (and still are) our together time for dates, etc.


But every Saturday, I went alone to the same flea market--she was never really interested in that scene anyhow. There, guys I've known for 25-30 years, fellows w/ similar interests, (mainly local history, Indian artifacts, archaeology, sports, music and a few other 'niche' collectible areas) would be. We'd hang out and talk about everything under the sun. Meanwhile my wife stayed at home, usually cooking and cleaning.


But 8 months ago with the pandemic, that all changed, as the flea market pretty much shut down. My 'good ole boy' buddies and me--our routine changed.


And surprisingly, I didn't mind now spending not just 100% of Monday--Friday and Sunday with her, but seeing how my Saturday, non negotiable 'my time' venue opportunity had gone away, I was cool with the new scenario--being together 99.9% of the time.


That's probably not sustainable, and I'll (actually 'we') will probably need to find hobbies--some sort of activity outside the house, to do separately. Presently, we can spend hours side by side at home, each of us watching or reading about totally different subjects. She'll get into watching Korean soaps or cooking  recipes on Youtube, while I hang at home, doing what I want. She pursues Spanish lessons on-line in her home office occasionally. She'll cook for hours while I watch college football, read, etc.


But it'd probably be healthy for each of us to have more of our own interests and activities without being so much like Siamese twins--joined at the hip at home and outside. That's something --a direction that's probably inevitable. We feel secure and trusting enough to allow ea other that space. I mean, even our volunteer work and gym visits have always been as a couple. A little more space and individual identity would probably do more good than harm.


She actually encourages me to call buddies of mine--guys she knows are time tested 'true friends' and I do the same with the few female friends she is close to, women who I feel are good influences. But we rarely pick up the phone and it's even rarer that we double date or involve ourselves socially.


The proverb: 'familiarity breeds contempt' warrants serious thought. It's weird that given how
incredibly different we are from each other, that we can coexist so well. And how yet as different as we are from each other, how we can often finish each others sentences, how we find ourselves thinking in the same direction more and more. When one of us does get a bit 'itchy bitchy' tense w/ ea other---we get over it real quick. That's proven essential. But nothing's perfect.


While we pretty much isolate ourselves from other people/dramas-- that in and of itself has more positives than negatives. We simply don't trust a lot of people. But if we're gonna get another 15 years out of being together, just like evolution itself, we're going to have to change things up to keep things fresh. If we don't and we let our 'sparks' slowly devolve into smoldering embers--and then into dust--that'd be 'the end.' Once stuck in the 'same ole same ole' to the point where it's like cold comfort, it's probably not long before the relationship's toast.
« Last Edit: November 01, 2020, 07:58:49 AM by robert angel »
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Offline mambocowboy

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Re: Be Careful What You Wish For - Roll the Dice Despite a 20+ Yr Age Gap?
« Reply #141 on: November 01, 2020, 11:03:34 AM »

It could conceivably get old, this being 'joined at the hip', 24X7, as has increasingly been the case since the pandemic, with her working at home. Before we married, I made it 100% clear that every Saturday was mine and mine alone, and that that was non negotiable. So for about 14 years, that was my routine. Usually to the flea market, or maybe me occasionally going off off to scout for artifacts, fish or some such thing, without her. Understood, with minimal griping. But I'd be home for dinner 99.9% of the time--maybe Saturday night we'd step out together, but Friday nights and Sundays were (and still are) our together time for dates, etc.


But every Saturday, I went alone to the same flea market--she was never really interested in that scene anyhow. There, guys I've known for 25-30 years, fellows w/ similar interests, (mainly local history, Indian artifacts, archaeology, sports, music and a few other 'niche' collectible areas) would be. We'd hang out and talk about everything under the sun. Meanwhile my wife stayed at home, usually cooking and cleaning.


But 8 months ago with the pandemic, that all changed, as the flea market pretty much shut down. My 'good ole boy' buddies and me--our routine changed.


And surprisingly, I didn't mind now spending not just 100% of Monday--Friday and Sunday with her, but seeing how my Saturday, non negotiable 'my time' venue opportunity had gone away, I was cool with the new scenario--being together 99.9% of the time.


That's probably not sustainable, and I'll (actually 'we') will probably need to find hobbies--some sort of activity outside the house, to do separately. Presently, we can spend hours side by side at home, each of us watching or reading about totally different subjects. She'll get into watching Korean soaps or cooking  recipes on Youtube, while I hang at home, doing what I want. She pursues Spanish lessons on-line in her home office occasionally. She'll cook for hours while I watch college football, read, etc.


But it'd probably be healthy for each of us to have more of our own interests and activities without being so much like Siamese twins--joined at the hip at home and outside. That's something --a direction that's probably inevitable. We feel secure and trusting enough to allow ea other that space. I mean, even our volunteer work and gym visits have always been as a couple. A little more space and individual identity would probably do more good than harm.


She actually encourages me to call buddies of mine--guys she knows are time tested 'true friends' and I do the same with the few female friends she is close to, women who I feel are good influences. But we rarely pick up the phone and it's even rarer that we double date or involve ourselves socially.


The proverb: 'familiarity breeds contempt' warrants serious thought. It's weird that given how
incredibly different we are from each other, that we can coexist so well. And how yet as different as we are from each other, how we can often finish each others sentences, how we find ourselves thinking in the same direction more and more. When one of us does get a bit 'itchy bitchy' tense w/ ea other---we get over it real quick. That's proven essential. But nothing's perfect.


While we pretty much isolate ourselves from other people/dramas-- that in and of itself has more positives than negatives. We simply don't trust a lot of people. But if we're gonna get another 15 years out of being together, just like evolution itself, we're going to have to change things up to keep things fresh. If we don't and we let our 'sparks' slowly devolve into smoldering embers--and then into dust--that'd be 'the end.' Once stuck in the 'same ole same ole' to the point where it's like cold comfort, it's probably not long before the relationship's toast.
Good for you for insisting on alone time. Not sure if it's just my wife or a Colombian thing but my wife has always struggled with my needing alone time. I need my hobbies and that is that . My wife understands it a little better now but I always have to balance my time to make sure I'm giving her my attention as well as my two girls who demand alot of attention....

Offline robert angel

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Re: Be Careful What You Wish For - Roll the Dice Despite a 20+ Yr Age Gap?
« Reply #142 on: November 02, 2020, 09:25:20 PM »
Good for you for insisting on alone time. Not sure if it's just my wife or a Colombian thing but my wife has always struggled with my needing alone time. I need my hobbies and that is that . My wife understands it a little better now but I always have to balance my time to make sure I'm giving her my attention as well as my two girls who demand alot of attention....
quote

-------------------------------------------

Married modern style w/ both working, or
with traditional stay at home wife/kids, even as a couple living together,  kids or no kids, you have to 'carve out' alone time to make it work.

In each case, it's better for the group. Couples need time together   away from the kids -> = 'dates.' Romance blah, blah...

My 1st marriage was too much Disney, Disney cruises, sports, and everything thing else extracurricular with the kids.

Basically the kid's 'logistics' dictated our lives. Meanwhile she worked nights & weekends, me weekdays. Unsustainable. It was more of an 'arrangement' than a relationship.

But beyond the couple needing time alone for each other, time for each other to be alone is gonna be important.

I told my 2nd wife such before we wed and she wasn't delighted, but just like I (regrettably) said that it being post vasectomy that there'd be no more children, she stayed committed. I have been very fortunate, but that obviously wasn't by pure chance alone.

I conceded ground on Saturday always being MY solo day recently. Saturdays and Sundays being her only days off and me retired, it made our oh so pleasurable Saturdays together all the sweeter.

It's a bit harder gaining the same solo ground back a second time,  but in different ways, we're still fine there still. I'm more inclined to pick weekdays do 'my things. If I'm sometimes a little late for 5PM dinner, she's OK --after I've picked up the phone, replying as to when I'll be home for dinner with HER.

She spends hours watching her online soap operas, face booking, youtube cooking videos, yakking with family and we're home, in the same bed or in the living room, arms and legs intertwined, like amorous noodles, as I read about history, art--whatever. I occasionally waste a lotta that time posting here!!
 
But like many wives, she's clingy and sometimes jealous and 'possessive' --and that's not all bad--at least she cares!

Oh Lordy, I get outta bed to pee and as I walk the 16 feet across our bedroom, before I'm halfway to the pot, she'll say:

"Where are you going?"

So she needs to know where I'm going and how she'll stay in touch.

Then after dinner she goes into her office at home---prolly 5, 6 times a week, for half an hour or so, closes the door and prays the rosary, writes in her private diary or whatever she does. To me, that's HER 'quiet time' as she calls it and it's good for me too.

It works.
Whether you think you can or think you can't--you're right!

 

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