It appears you have not registered with our community. To register please click here ...

+-

+-PL Gallery Random Image


Author Topic: How concerned should I be?  (Read 3279 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline V_Man

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1064
  • Country: au
  • Gender: Male
  • Spouse's Country: Colombia
  • Status: Married 3-5 years
  • Trips: 4 - 10
How concerned should I be?
« on: February 29, 2012, 12:24:40 AM »
Hi guys,

There is never a dull moment in V-land!!!

I am under a fair bit if stress at the moment. I'm also feeling a little down at the same time. Of course bad news comes in threes. Hence I'm uncertain if I am responding appropriately to something that has come up.

I'm in a relationship as some of you know. A real relationship in every sense. I've met most of her friends and lived with her family for a short time. Yada yada. Everything has been going great. Really great.
Now there is one hic up and I'm mulling over how seriously to view it.

In a nut shell she has mislead me over something.
It didn't do me any harm.
She obviously has not intended any harm.
Cost wise it probably cost me about $100 in things I would not have otherwise organised.
Relationship wise, it delays things.

So the thing itself is not really the issue.

The issue is her failing to be completely honest and upfront with me on this one thing.
I told her it was important to me and yet she mislead me over it.
She has been completely honest and upfront with me on everything else.
She has admitted that she mislead me and she has apologised for it.

The whole mess has come around because she didn't say "no let's wait" to me over something that I wanted badly. Instead she has agreed with me and then spent 3 months coming up with excuses why it couldn't be completed. Until I've had enough and told her I'm disappointed with her. Then she's finally admitted that she doesn't want to do it and why.

I understand her reasons, why she'd want to delay this.
I can also semi-understand that culturally she has difficulty saying no.

It is not part of a pattern.

At the same time the fact is she mislead me over something that I told her was important to me.

I'm definately not prepared to sweep this straight under the carpet. On the other hand I don't know that it's a deal breaker. It seems to be falling into that mucky grey area of life.

I've almost decided what I'm going to do about it but let's see what others can contribute.

Please don't give an opinion without a rationale.

Thank you.

Offline michaelb

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1545
  • Country: us
  • Gender: Male
  • Spouse's Country: Colombia
  • Status: Married >5 years
  • Trips: 1 - 3
Re: How concerned should I be?
« Reply #1 on: February 29, 2012, 01:09:28 AM »
Kind of hard to say, without your saying what it is.......but then too, maybe you don't want to go into too many personal details. Are you sure it was intentional, not just a misunderstanding? Yes, I see that you said she admitted misleading you and apologized for it, but I'm trying to give her the benefit of doubt here, such as it could have started as a misunderstanding and by the time she realized that you were being mislead or that it was that important to you, she was too embarrassed or afraid to try to straighten it out? I mean, I don't know, I wasn't there.

Now, if you want to talk about deal breaking misleadings, in 1974 I knocked on my GF's door in Mexico City and her daughter opened the door. So what's wrong with that? Well, nothing, except that I had been with her  for two years (a couple of times in person for about two weeks each time and by letter and telephone, no internet in those days) and that was the first time I found out that she had a daughter....now that's what I call misleading.   

So if her infraction was anything less serious than the one I just wrote about, I'd say give her another chance.

Offline V_Man

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1064
  • Country: au
  • Gender: Male
  • Spouse's Country: Colombia
  • Status: Married 3-5 years
  • Trips: 4 - 10
Re: How concerned should I be?
« Reply #2 on: February 29, 2012, 02:40:59 AM »
Well that puts things in perspective!!!!
It's not even on the horizon compared to that sort of misleading "detail".

I'm trying not to give away too many details.

She has not mislead me about anything concerning herself or her life. Quite the opposite. She has been extremely open. I've seen it. So there's nothing like your example at all.

We agreed to do something important for our relationship. She has some fears but she never admitted to them. However she kept coming up with excuses why she couldn't follow through.

Her fears are rational. Reasonable even.
To the best of my knowledge, she wasn't trying to lead me up the garden path for her own gain. She was not motivated to do me any mischief that I am aware of.

There was no misunderstanding about what we agreed.
She should have been up front about all this. She knows it.

Does that clairfy the situation enough?

Planet-Love.com

Re: How concerned should I be?
« Reply #2 on: February 29, 2012, 02:40:59 AM »

Offline beginthebeguin

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 397
  • Country: us
  • Gender: Male
  • WOVO - is a go
  • Spouse's Country: Colombia
  • Status: No Selection
  • Trips: None (yet)
Re: How concerned should I be?
« Reply #3 on: February 29, 2012, 06:15:16 AM »
Quote
I can also semi-understand that culturally she has difficulty saying no.
V_man said:
I know exactly what you mean. At some point in the relationship, in the back of your mind at least, you want them to say 'no' sometimes to what you want to do or want, just to see what she is all about. It must be a cultural attribute, I experience it all the time especially with that dreaded "LDR". 
"Any club that would have me as a member I wouldn't want to join." - G. Marx,  not Karl

"Now children all colombianas you meet on the internet are bad. Muukay". - Mr. Makey

Offline michaelb

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1545
  • Country: us
  • Gender: Male
  • Spouse's Country: Colombia
  • Status: Married >5 years
  • Trips: 1 - 3
Re: How concerned should I be?
« Reply #4 on: February 29, 2012, 06:56:47 AM »

We agreed to do something important for our relationship. She has some fears but she never admitted to them. However she kept coming up with excuses why she couldn't follow through.


Yes, it does clarify. and like you said, "difficulty saying no" (followed up by hoping the problem just goes away on its own, followed up by excuses when the problem doesn't go away on its own)....that unfortunately does appear to be a cultural trait. Make it clear to her that that is not an accepted trait in your culture (which she will have to join if the relationship progresses). I'd say "forgive, but don't forget"...in other words, make it clear to her that you're going to let this instance pass, but if it ever happens again then it's "Bye bye baby, wish things had turned out differently".

Offline fathertime

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5103
  • Country: 00
  • Gender: Male
  • Spouse's Country: Colombia
  • Status: Married >5 years
  • Trips: > 10
Re: How concerned should I be?
« Reply #5 on: February 29, 2012, 08:19:52 AM »
since the relationship is in it's infancy and you are on different continents i would cut her slack on things like misunderstandings and miscommunications...


 i would be alittle more concerned about a pattern of behavior that i felt i couldn't live with long term...


   i would have zero tolerance for unfaithfulness


in this case it seems she withheld some information...hard to say what exactly but it doesn't sound like something to get too wound up over.



Fathertime!
09/08 saw morena goddess on Jamie's website
09/08Began writing/webcamming future wife
10/08Visited BAQ to meet future wife
12/08 Visited a second time and got engaged
01/09 Visa Paperwork done(williamIII)
02/09quickvisit BAQ
08/09Wife arrives
09/09Got married
11/10 son born

Gato4Astrid

  • Guest
Re: How concerned should I be?
« Reply #6 on: February 29, 2012, 09:07:11 AM »

 i would be alittle more concerned about a pattern of behavior that i felt i couldn't live with long term...



Fathertime!


I agree with FT in this sentence.    We find difficult to help you without knowing what it is all about.

Offline braziliangirl

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 570
  • Country: br
  • Gender: Female
  • Spouse's Country: No Selection
  • Status: No Selection
  • Trips: None (yet)
Re: How concerned should I be?
« Reply #7 on: February 29, 2012, 09:19:58 AM »
I can also semi-understand that culturally she has difficulty saying no.

V,

Even before I got to this part of the text, I knew that it was the problem. So I would classify that as a cultural issue, not misleading or lying itself. If you were not raised in Latin culture it can be hard to understand how hard it is for us to say no, especially to people we love. It shows that she likes you and doesn't want to hurt you.

The $100 didn't go to her pocket, right? If so, she didn't do on purpose to get advantage of you. Then, it proved my point that it's cultural.

I suggest that you talk to her about that. Make it clear that if she is objective with you, it not only won't hurt you, but will make you happier because it will help you guys build a better relationship.

And you also have to work on your 6th sense. When you feel like she is avoiding telling you the truth or saying yes just to please you, ask her nicely if is that really what she wants? That you want you both to be happy, so she can say how she is feeling, and such things.

Of course I can be wrong, depending on how serious the issue is. It's hard without the details. But that was what my 6th sense said when I read the story. I hope it's right. ;)

All the best,
BG

Offline mambocowboy

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1528
  • Country: 00
  • Spouse's Country: Colombia
  • Status: Married >5 years
  • Trips: 4 - 10
Re: How concerned should I be?
« Reply #8 on: February 29, 2012, 04:09:23 PM »
Well that puts things in perspective!!!!
It's not even on the horizon compared to that sort of misleading "detail".

I'm trying not to give away too many details.

She has not mislead me about anything concerning herself or her life. Quite the opposite. She has been extremely open. I've seen it. So there's nothing like your example at all.

We agreed to do something important for our relationship. She has some fears but she never admitted to them. However she kept coming up with excuses why she couldn't follow through.

Her fears are rational. Reasonable even.
To the best of my knowledge, she wasn't trying to lead me up the garden path for her own gain. She was not motivated to do me any mischief that I am aware of.

There was no misunderstanding about what we agreed.
She should have been up front about all this. She knows it.

Does that clairfy the situation enough?

No it doesn't

Offline Micky

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 432
  • Country: co
  • Gender: Male
  • Spouse's Country: Colombia
  • Status: Married 3-5 years
  • Trips: Resident
Re: How concerned should I be?
« Reply #9 on: February 29, 2012, 06:11:06 PM »
VM -

I think that you have always been logical and reasonable in your posts,  whether I agree or not,  you seem a pretty grounded guy.  I would assume that you are just fishing for varying perspectives,  as you do not come off as the "fence sitter",  or  "I don't understand"  type.  You have your mind made up as to how you will go forward with the issue that you have.  I do not think that real details are needed.  I agree with BG in her response about Latinas not liking to tell someone NO,  but only to a point.  Beyond the telling someone no,  is ANOTHER culture norm (at least in Colombia)  and that is to avoid any confrontation,  at all costs. To identify and deal with any issue that may be unpleasant,  as soon as possible,  is not in the DNA.  These cross cultural relationships are not a one way street though.  It is most always the "you have to understand her culture",  and true that is.  Just as important is that she "has to have an understanding of your culture". You have made things clear and go forward from here.  Best to you both.

Micky
 
Don't crap on my 2 yard line!

Offline whitey

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1497
  • Country: ca
  • Gender: Male
  • Spouse's Country: Colombia
  • Status: Married >5 years
  • Trips: > 10
Re: How concerned should I be?
« Reply #10 on: February 29, 2012, 07:35:32 PM »
Lot's of good advice and opinions already ... from what you say it doesn't sound like a deal breaker.  Of course, you'll want to have the conversation with her.

Frankly, I'm amazed this hasn't come up in my relationship yet.  I realized fairly quickly that I needed to dig deeper and ask her a few times what she really thought about a few issues, since something was telling me that she was avoiding a confrontation or simply wanted to please me by agreeing to one thing when she would have preferred something else.  But all of these things were really minor, like did she like the clothes I bought her or what our plans were for the evening.

Actually, I've been the only culprit so far in our relationship where I avoided telling her something for a couple months that she deserved to know earlier.  Nothing bad, but something significant she deserved to know.  She was disappointed, but forgave me.
Hablo espanolo mucho bieno!

Offline braziliangirl

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 570
  • Country: br
  • Gender: Female
  • Spouse's Country: No Selection
  • Status: No Selection
  • Trips: None (yet)
Re: How concerned should I be?
« Reply #11 on: February 29, 2012, 07:36:40 PM »
I agree with BG in her response about Latinas not liking to tell someone NO,  but only to a point.  Beyond the telling someone no,  is ANOTHER culture norm (at least in Colombia)  and that is to avoid any confrontation,  at all costs. To identify and deal with any issue that may be unpleasant,  as soon as possible,  is not in the DNA.  These cross cultural relationships are not a one way street though.  It is most always the "you have to understand her culture",  and true that is.  Just as important is that she "has to have an understanding of your culture".

I agree with Micky that the not liking to say no comes from avoiding confrontation. And I add that both are very harmful traits to a relationship. That's why I suggested that, in that case, she has to have an understanding of his culture and he doesn't have to accept her behavior. Assertiveness is always a the best way to solve issues in any kind of relationship.

Even though I agree that cross cultural relationships (or any) are a two-way street, my opinion is that we should put the relationship success first, and weight which culture deals with an issue better...

(Micky, not sure if I fully understood your post. Sorry if I said anything silly.)

Offline Micky

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 432
  • Country: co
  • Gender: Male
  • Spouse's Country: Colombia
  • Status: Married 3-5 years
  • Trips: Resident
Re: How concerned should I be?
« Reply #12 on: February 29, 2012, 08:45:03 PM »
BG -

You understood exactly,  you said nothing silly,  at all.  Correct you would be,  as it is important for the two to come to agreement and understanding in what is most important to THEM for the growth of the relationship.  Having patience with one another in true understanding of those cultural differences is paramount to the success of the relationship.
As Whitey posted about sometimes feeling that his wife  "went along" with something he wanted, obviously,  to her,  the harmony of their relationship was more important than if she had wanted to do something else.  That is something that BOTH need to do at times.  It shows concern for the happiness and fulfillment of your partner and will only serve to strengthen the bond.
 

Micky
 
Don't crap on my 2 yard line!

Planet-Love.com

Re: How concerned should I be?
« Reply #12 on: February 29, 2012, 08:45:03 PM »

Offline fathertime

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5103
  • Country: 00
  • Gender: Male
  • Spouse's Country: Colombia
  • Status: Married >5 years
  • Trips: > 10
Re: How concerned should I be?
« Reply #13 on: February 29, 2012, 10:04:17 PM »

Actually, I've been the only culprit so far in our relationship where I avoided telling her something for a couple months that she deserved to know earlier.  Nothing bad, but something significant she deserved to know.  She was disappointed, but forgave me.


yoyo whitey!  did you really tell her or did she find the wig, heels, and makeup kit?  :D


Fathertime!   
09/08 saw morena goddess on Jamie's website
09/08Began writing/webcamming future wife
10/08Visited BAQ to meet future wife
12/08 Visited a second time and got engaged
01/09 Visa Paperwork done(williamIII)
02/09quickvisit BAQ
08/09Wife arrives
09/09Got married
11/10 son born

Offline InnocentVixen

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 947
  • Country: mx
  • Gender: Female
  • Spouse's Country: No Selection
  • Status: Married 0-2 years
  • Trips: 1 - 3
Re: How concerned should I be?
« Reply #14 on: March 01, 2012, 01:09:30 PM »
whitey, Nazly has proved over and over again that she is a wonderful exception and not the rule in Colombia, you sound like a pretty great guy yourself and everyone will have something that is hard to talk about at some point, the way you say it makes me think you guys can manage anything that comes your way.


V_man I think I know where you are coming from with what happened with your lady, it is true that latinos do not like confrontation and prefer to make up excuses and hope the problem will go away by itself, quite honestly it is one of the main reasons I just can't see myself in a relationship with someone in my own culture, in fact I have found some men with that attitude outside my country and that for me is a clear sign of incompatibility since I like to solve problems and move on as fast as possible.


If it was something minor and it is not something she unconsciously do out of habit I am sure it will be fine, but don't ignore it! make sure she understands why is it so important to you and in which way it bothers you, the meaning behind that action in your eyes, it's easy to use an apology as yet another way to avoid confrontation.


I had one of this "hic ups" in my relationship not long ago and by the sounds of it, it was not as minor as your problem, the fact that I didn't understand the reasons behind it and that he did not feel comfortable being open about it only made things worse so I realized that if one of us at least understands might make things easier, so I let him know the effect it had on me (more than once, in different ways actually) and at some point I think he got it, even though it did hurt the level of trust I had for him, I was able to forgive him and now he even opens up a little more, which makes me think maybe someday he will realize he can tell me anything and go back to trust him completely, the way it is being dealt with might not be my ideal way but we both care enough to work on it and I like to think that is a good sign.

Offline whitey

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1497
  • Country: ca
  • Gender: Male
  • Spouse's Country: Colombia
  • Status: Married >5 years
  • Trips: > 10
Re: How concerned should I be?
« Reply #15 on: March 01, 2012, 04:53:15 PM »
@IV: Thanks for the kind words.  BTW, I like your new profile pic ... you have beautiful hair.

@FT: You dog, how did you find out?  Did you find my real Facebook page?!
Hablo espanolo mucho bieno!

Offline V_Man

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1064
  • Country: au
  • Gender: Male
  • Spouse's Country: Colombia
  • Status: Married 3-5 years
  • Trips: 4 - 10
Re: How concerned should I be?
« Reply #16 on: March 01, 2012, 11:29:43 PM »
Thanks for all the thoughtful responses. It is particularly useful to hear from some latinas and also from guys who have been there done that.

We had "the talk". I feel better now but to be honest, not 1000%. This is where I wonder if all the other stress and crap that I have going on right now is cluding my judgement. Am I making a bigger deal out of this than it is?

She did clarify one thing for me. She said that initially she intended to do what was agreed. It was on reflection that she changed her mind. That was when she started with excuses instead of being completely up front about it.

Forgive but don't forget was of course great advice. I forgave her as soon as she appologised, which was basically right away. Forget. mmm My issue could be that I'm not pushing it to the back of my mind fast enough.

What I mean by that is that my jets are very considerably cooled. She wont like that.

Offline fathertime

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5103
  • Country: 00
  • Gender: Male
  • Spouse's Country: Colombia
  • Status: Married >5 years
  • Trips: > 10
Re: How concerned should I be?
« Reply #17 on: March 02, 2012, 07:41:26 AM »
Thanks for all the thoughtful responses. It is particularly useful to hear from some latinas and also from guys who have been there done that.

We had "the talk". I feel better now but to be honest, not 1000%. This is where I wonder if all the other stress and crap that I have going on right now is cluding my judgement. Am I making a bigger deal out of this than it is?

She did clarify one thing for me. She said that initially she intended to do what was agreed. It was on reflection that she changed her mind. That was when she started with excuses instead of being completely up front about it.

Forgive but don't forget was of course great advice. I forgave her as soon as she appologised, which was basically right away. Forget. mmm My issue could be that I'm not pushing it to the back of my mind fast enough.

What I mean by that is that my jets are very considerably cooled. She wont like that.


Well vman,  it seems to me that you have new problem then...whatever happened, has changed your attitude and motivation about this lady...that might very well torpedo the relationship....based on how it went for me, i've concluded that the man has to be super duper motivated to push this process...if not, then it is probably destined to not get done!


Fathertime!
09/08 saw morena goddess on Jamie's website
09/08Began writing/webcamming future wife
10/08Visited BAQ to meet future wife
12/08 Visited a second time and got engaged
01/09 Visa Paperwork done(williamIII)
02/09quickvisit BAQ
08/09Wife arrives
09/09Got married
11/10 son born

Offline InnocentVixen

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 947
  • Country: mx
  • Gender: Female
  • Spouse's Country: No Selection
  • Status: Married 0-2 years
  • Trips: 1 - 3
Re: How concerned should I be?
« Reply #18 on: March 02, 2012, 10:03:23 AM »

Thanks whitey!  :)

Well V_man, no need to go to extremes, that your jets are no longer on fire doesn't mean they are off right? in my case it did change how I saw him somewhat but I think it helped to give me a more realistic view of our relationship, the pink colored glasses were knocked off but the love remains, however since before we met in person I have been clear that for me love is not enough, meaning no matter how in love I am I will not put up with certain behaviors.


Like you I was trying to almost force myself to move on, but my friend, if you are not able to move on then you have not truly forgiven her, you have only accepted her apology and that is fine I think, some of us need a bit more time to trust again once something happens, it will be up to her to show you with actions that she is worthy of that trust. If you are anything like me you will probably not really forget about it, but as long as it doesn't bother you anymore it will be nothing but a memory.

 

Sponsor Twr1R

PL Stats

Members
Total Members: 5871
Latest: ponttbryr
New This Month: 1
New This Week: 0
New Today: 0
Stats
Total Posts: 133128
Total Topics: 7864
Most Online Today: 324
Most Online Ever: 1000
(December 26, 2022, 11:57:37 PM)
Users Online
Members: 0
Guests: 312
Total: 312
Powered by EzPortal